When Justice Faith Mwondha was growing up, she never dreamed that she would be IGG. Not even when she was filling those career guidance forms at A’level. Now that she thinks about it, she should never have circled those chemistry objective type questions using the pinky pinky ponky method. Maybe then she would have been an aging chemist holed up in a food factory somewhere being majorly ignored by the world.
Mwonda is coming under attack by The Parliamentary Appointments Committee for failing to appear before them for scrutiny. You see, Ms Mwonda snubbed a scheduled appearance before Parliaments Appointments Committee on April 1st 2009 and who can blame her? She had received those summons while watching her favorite show on MTV (Yea. That second salary she had been earning from the Justice sector had come in handy when she had wanted that DSTV dish). And then it hit her. April 1st? Isn’t that fools day? She thought as she consulted her calendar to find that indeed if she risked going to parliament, instead of a vetting committee, she would be accosted by Ashton Kutcher and his film Crew. That boy Ashton can be humorless sometimes!
If today’s Daily Monitor is to be believed then Mwondha can sleep well tonight assured that indeed she did the right thing to opt for a career of toying with people’s feelings than toying with the Bunsen banner. But you cannot always believe Monitor. It is responsible for Besigye’s unwavering hope.
Those who do not know what I am talking about, apparently the President has reappointed Mwondha IGG, even if his trusted MPs did not think it was the right thing to do. But what do they know? They have no vision. Of course this appointment does not go down well with the speaker Edward Ssekandi who had already started organizing her farewell party. Her and her staff. The invitation card to the IGG staff read;
You are cordially invited to your surprise farewell party…
“We are leaving? I didn’t know that! “
“That is the surprise…”
Sekandi is already on his way to Nkurumah Road to cancel the order for the cards.
This procedes events of the past month where the Parliamentary vetting committee, made up of NRM stooges reasoned that one of them a one Mwondha was not fit for the position of IGG I bet on grounds that she had been responsible for sending their other colleagues to jail. Mwondha in her term of office has seen three NRM ministers Jim Muwhezi, Mike Mukula and Dr. Alex Kamugisha dropped from the cabinet and prosecuted over corruption. Even if the most that came out of this was that they spent a few uncomfortable nights in jail.
With her dismissal, the ministers were already envisioning bigger salaries and inflated allowances, while the rest of them were not listening to this debate and were updating their Facebook status on their new Black Berries.
Not that Mwondha was in any way moved by these threats. The outspoken woman said she would not quit unless she was ordered to do so by President Museveni or God. Remind me to ask her some time whether God does really have that long white Beard. Are there really no shavers in heaven??
Meanwhile Mwondha’s deputy Raphael Baku has been sent on leave until further notice. Somebody had to pay the price.
PS. In this story, Daily Monitor Keeps quoting “Highly placed sources who did not want to be named coz of the sensitivity of the matter… “Seriously Monitor has got to find another way of calling its moles.
Use medicines sparingly
That shocking headline in the Daily Monitor yesterday stopped Ms Amy Winehouse in her tracks as she was about to sniff a line of cocaine. She split it into 3 neat lines for breakfast, lunch and supper. She had been meaning to cut down anyway. Dr. House did not bother with the details of the story as he set about finding more cunning ways of sneaking more Vicodine out of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital without Cuddy noticing.
The truth is though, those two people could not be bothered because The director General of Health services in Uganda Dr. Sam Zaramba has urged Ugandans to use available medicines sparingly to save the country from a possible drug hitch. According to him, the Country has been experiencing a shortage of anti Tuberculosis drugs. This has forced Uganda to borrow drugs from neighboring Kenya . I can see how this one played out;
Hello Mr. Kamau? It is me Sam. How are you at this juncture and how is Nyambura? Glad to hear u guys finally managed to cross the River between. We were all holding our breaths for you…
Now, do you think you can get us some few panadols? You see Mama Musoke and the baby girl are with Malaria. And I suspect you have also heard about Museveni’s finger. So we could use all the Panadol you can lay your hands on. Scratch that. Just send over one dosage and we shall split it equally between the three just fine. Right. Right. Uh huh, uh huh, Yea, Mrs. Kibaki won’t let you? Okay then. Glad we caught up. Gotta go. I have Mr. Nyerere on the other line now…
Meanwhile mother of three in Sembabule whose eldest child is about to swallow medicine suddenly screams out; I warn you junior. Stop arguing with me. From today on it is 2x2, then at night we can always just put a damp cloth on your forehead to make up for the other 2 tabs. You see, we are trying to save the rest for when Joan gets ill, okay?
But let us get to the big picture here. Large men in their large jackets and briefcases are stealing money that is meant to buy enough drugs to sustain the country for a period of time, and yet they roam the streets in their expensive cars while we sit and watch helplessly.
Dr Zaramba says the shortage is due to delays within the Global Fund in Geneva to remit funds. And who can blame those guys in Geneva? Last year, then minister of health Jim Muwhezi, his deputy Mike Mukula and Alex Kamugisha were charged with embezzlement and misuse of up to $1.63 million(and counting) from a gift of $3.86 million to the Health Ministry from the Global Alliance for Vaccines and Immunization.
Teddy Ssezi Cheeye, the director of economic affairs at the Internal Security Organization, was recently arrested and charged with embezzlement of Shs120 million worth of Global Fund money. If a dose of anti-malarials is about Shs. 12,000-14,000, you do the maths.
While these four go to sleep in luxury security fenced mansions where mosquitoes and disease causing germs and viruses are electrocuted at the wire fence to ensure that they do not need drugs, children in the North get infected with Polio.
In another part of the world, Pink does not agree that pills are all that important anyway. See, according to her, they keep making her ill. When the drugs are finished good, I guess that’s the message Dr Sam will be putting out to the public. Pills are bad. Instead of making you better, they keep making you ill. You heard?
The truth is though, those two people could not be bothered because The director General of Health services in Uganda Dr. Sam Zaramba has urged Ugandans to use available medicines sparingly to save the country from a possible drug hitch. According to him, the Country has been experiencing a shortage of anti Tuberculosis drugs. This has forced Uganda to borrow drugs from neighboring Kenya . I can see how this one played out;
Hello Mr. Kamau? It is me Sam. How are you at this juncture and how is Nyambura? Glad to hear u guys finally managed to cross the River between. We were all holding our breaths for you…
Now, do you think you can get us some few panadols? You see Mama Musoke and the baby girl are with Malaria. And I suspect you have also heard about Museveni’s finger. So we could use all the Panadol you can lay your hands on. Scratch that. Just send over one dosage and we shall split it equally between the three just fine. Right. Right. Uh huh, uh huh, Yea, Mrs. Kibaki won’t let you? Okay then. Glad we caught up. Gotta go. I have Mr. Nyerere on the other line now…
Meanwhile mother of three in Sembabule whose eldest child is about to swallow medicine suddenly screams out; I warn you junior. Stop arguing with me. From today on it is 2x2, then at night we can always just put a damp cloth on your forehead to make up for the other 2 tabs. You see, we are trying to save the rest for when Joan gets ill, okay?
But let us get to the big picture here. Large men in their large jackets and briefcases are stealing money that is meant to buy enough drugs to sustain the country for a period of time, and yet they roam the streets in their expensive cars while we sit and watch helplessly.
Dr Zaramba says the shortage is due to delays within the Global Fund in Geneva to remit funds. And who can blame those guys in Geneva? Last year, then minister of health Jim Muwhezi, his deputy Mike Mukula and Alex Kamugisha were charged with embezzlement and misuse of up to $1.63 million(and counting) from a gift of $3.86 million to the Health Ministry from the Global Alliance for Vaccines and Immunization.
Teddy Ssezi Cheeye, the director of economic affairs at the Internal Security Organization, was recently arrested and charged with embezzlement of Shs120 million worth of Global Fund money. If a dose of anti-malarials is about Shs. 12,000-14,000, you do the maths.
While these four go to sleep in luxury security fenced mansions where mosquitoes and disease causing germs and viruses are electrocuted at the wire fence to ensure that they do not need drugs, children in the North get infected with Polio.
In another part of the world, Pink does not agree that pills are all that important anyway. See, according to her, they keep making her ill. When the drugs are finished good, I guess that’s the message Dr Sam will be putting out to the public. Pills are bad. Instead of making you better, they keep making you ill. You heard?
Pr. Sempa Vs Redpepper; The court case
The facts
That Pr. Sempa took Redpepper to court advocating for court to ban publication of said newspaper citing pornographic content that entices people into crime and immorality when they read it.
That Pr. Sempa had two kids out of wedlock before he married his current wife
That Redpepper is an awesome newspaper which I read from cover to cover every day.
Here below are the court proceedings
Red Pepper Lawyers: Mr. Sempa, can you honestly say that when you read the Redpepper your morals are degenerated and in fact you are enticed into wrongdoing?
Pr. Sempa: Yes. It is especially responsible for degenerating morals amongst the youths.
Red Pepper: Tell us Mr. Sempa, is Redpepper the only newspaper you read?
Pr. Sempa: No. I also read The monitor, New vision, Bukkedde and The Observer
Redpepper lawyer whips out a copy of Monitor with headline “Ministers embezzle millions”
Tell us, does this headline make you want to steal money?
Pr. Sempa: No
Lawyer whips out Bukkedde with headline “Amusse”
Does this headline make you want to commit murder?
Pr Sempa: No
New vision here has a headline that says "Car theft on the rise"
Tell the court Pastor, does this make you want to steal Vehicles?
Pr Sempa: No
Lawyer shows him a copy of Redpepper that reads, “Sexpest invades Kampala”
Lawyer: so this makes you want to go out and have sex?
Pr Sempa: Yes
Oh, Okay. But tell us the Pastor; were you a virgin when you married your present wife? Did you not in fact father two children with two different women before marriage? Could it therefore be that You are the one with the problem Pastor?
And like that, Redpepper still lives among us
Bishops reject stolen money
The problem of corruption in Uganda has gotten to a point where religious intervention was needed. After vigorous investigation, it was revealed that stolen money eventually ends up at church. As you can imagine, top religious leaders were not happy about this trend of events. So then they decided to meet and put an end to this thing they say they were greatly saddened by.
Archbishops Cyprian Kizito Lwanga (Catholics), Henry Luke Orombi (Protestants), and Metropolitan Jonah Lwanga (orthodox) met over tea and buns at Namirembe Guest House where Orombi showed off the view of the city and passed it off as his own. Not that they believed him or anything. Needless to say, Balaggade sekadde was not invited to this particular meet. Just before he popped the mouthwatering bun in his mouth, Cyprian made the sign of the cross, Orombi bowed his head to pray, and Metropolitan just looked on not quite sure what the fuss was all about. Just eat the damn buns already, he almost screamed.
“Right, we are gathered here today in the presence of …” started Cyprian
“What? Why? When? Whence? What if? Who…” interjected Orombi protesting only because, well, he had to.
Metropolitan kept quiet not wanting to say anything because he has always been ignored by these two anyway.
There was a lot of back and forth until they all eventually agreed that they should put out a statement saying they strongly condone Christians from giving stolen money as offertory. No word on whether they should stop stealing it however. Brethren have to eat.
Meanwhile their counterparts at the Pentecostal churches were in talks with major banks ordering for more ATMs to be fixed at their churches, and then later headed to JapaneseMotors.com to find out what Hammers were going for these days.
The first victim to fall prey to the new crackdown was Jim Muwhezi and none was as shocked as him to see two plain clothed Soldiers for Christ Mamba escorting him out of All saints Cathedral after depositing a large brown envelope of money into the collection bag.
In the interrogation room later, one of them said to a sweating Jim, “So Jimmy, a close source tells us that your money has the smell of ARV’s, Anti-malarials and TB drugs that never were…” No news on what will happen to the brown envelope. Sources say that the Clergy will pray, fast and bless the money and then it shall not smell stolen any more.
When news of this reached Rubaga Cathedral, Cyprian then made a quick telephone call to Don Corleone’s nephew at the Vatican and warned him of the crackdown saying that money given to him directly by the godfather was not acceptable, unless of course he sent it through MTN mobile money.
The Metropolitan instantly went back to dozing at his desk. Nobody ever gave offertory at his church anymore.
Archbishops Cyprian Kizito Lwanga (Catholics), Henry Luke Orombi (Protestants), and Metropolitan Jonah Lwanga (orthodox) met over tea and buns at Namirembe Guest House where Orombi showed off the view of the city and passed it off as his own. Not that they believed him or anything. Needless to say, Balaggade sekadde was not invited to this particular meet. Just before he popped the mouthwatering bun in his mouth, Cyprian made the sign of the cross, Orombi bowed his head to pray, and Metropolitan just looked on not quite sure what the fuss was all about. Just eat the damn buns already, he almost screamed.
“Right, we are gathered here today in the presence of …” started Cyprian
“What? Why? When? Whence? What if? Who…” interjected Orombi protesting only because, well, he had to.
Metropolitan kept quiet not wanting to say anything because he has always been ignored by these two anyway.
There was a lot of back and forth until they all eventually agreed that they should put out a statement saying they strongly condone Christians from giving stolen money as offertory. No word on whether they should stop stealing it however. Brethren have to eat.
Meanwhile their counterparts at the Pentecostal churches were in talks with major banks ordering for more ATMs to be fixed at their churches, and then later headed to JapaneseMotors.com to find out what Hammers were going for these days.
The first victim to fall prey to the new crackdown was Jim Muwhezi and none was as shocked as him to see two plain clothed Soldiers for Christ Mamba escorting him out of All saints Cathedral after depositing a large brown envelope of money into the collection bag.
In the interrogation room later, one of them said to a sweating Jim, “So Jimmy, a close source tells us that your money has the smell of ARV’s, Anti-malarials and TB drugs that never were…” No news on what will happen to the brown envelope. Sources say that the Clergy will pray, fast and bless the money and then it shall not smell stolen any more.
When news of this reached Rubaga Cathedral, Cyprian then made a quick telephone call to Don Corleone’s nephew at the Vatican and warned him of the crackdown saying that money given to him directly by the godfather was not acceptable, unless of course he sent it through MTN mobile money.
The Metropolitan instantly went back to dozing at his desk. Nobody ever gave offertory at his church anymore.
You are not what you eat
...You re what you leave the ATM booth smelling of....
Moral of this one is; Be careful who are following in line at the ATM. Sniff them first for hecksake!
Moral of this one is; Be careful who are following in line at the ATM. Sniff them first for hecksake!
Who shall tell the president?
The president was in a panic this morning and quickly sent for his medical team to put his mind at ease. You see, he had had a very bad premonition that a certain newspaper(I use that word ever so sparingly in this case) had claimed that he was sick and dying as evidenced by his sausage finger. Or he had dreamt it. He could not be quite sure. Although, it was not a premonition really. It is just that the dear president had opened his eyes just in time to catch the press guy swapping today’s front page of Redpepper with yesterday’s copy. A priest caught bonking a married wife was a safer bet than “Museveni is Sick.” What religious leaders got up to was not top of the agenda today, unless of course it was Patience. So anyway, he sent for his medical team, who ran tests on his finger and changed his band aid and pronounced him good to go for another 20 years. Or so.
I read the story and thought again that journalists must be the luckiest bunch of people. They write stories, and early morning, in the safety of their swinging chairs pull out their binoculars and scan the impact of their foray. From their headquarters in Namanve, Redpepper mounted their chairs at the rooftop and proceeded to see how everybody was headed up to statehouse to pay their condolences. They were shocked that only Janet had rushed up to state house from her station In Gulu to pay her respects. She was also turned away at the gate and told that the president had a case of the manicure gone wrong, nothing a band aid would not fix. Like that, she turned around and went back to playing Messiah in Karamoja.
Disappointed that their headline did not cause mass impact, Redpepper vultures went back to Seeta bar and Inn, where they ordered for the cheapest gin and proceeded to coin the next day’s story. And headline.
Meanwhile in state house, the president went about his duties, and other political cartoonists scratched their heads trying to figure out how to spin the whole thing. After piles and piles of drafts and baskets full of waste paper, Ras decided to go back to drawing dogs, cows, goats, and ants with massive balls.
I post today coz even I have become embarrassed by the image I am met with when I open this here page
Nominate a blogger to attend a G20Voice Project. Go here for details; http://www.awid.org/eng/Women-in-Action/Calls-for-Participation2/Call-for-Nominations-Bloggerst-at-the-G20!
I read the story and thought again that journalists must be the luckiest bunch of people. They write stories, and early morning, in the safety of their swinging chairs pull out their binoculars and scan the impact of their foray. From their headquarters in Namanve, Redpepper mounted their chairs at the rooftop and proceeded to see how everybody was headed up to statehouse to pay their condolences. They were shocked that only Janet had rushed up to state house from her station In Gulu to pay her respects. She was also turned away at the gate and told that the president had a case of the manicure gone wrong, nothing a band aid would not fix. Like that, she turned around and went back to playing Messiah in Karamoja.
Disappointed that their headline did not cause mass impact, Redpepper vultures went back to Seeta bar and Inn, where they ordered for the cheapest gin and proceeded to coin the next day’s story. And headline.
Meanwhile in state house, the president went about his duties, and other political cartoonists scratched their heads trying to figure out how to spin the whole thing. After piles and piles of drafts and baskets full of waste paper, Ras decided to go back to drawing dogs, cows, goats, and ants with massive balls.
I post today coz even I have become embarrassed by the image I am met with when I open this here page
Nominate a blogger to attend a G20Voice Project. Go here for details; http://www.awid.org/eng/Women-in-Action/Calls-for-Participation2/Call-for-Nominations-Bloggerst-at-the-G20!
open at your own peril
I have never seen any under 18's here at this blog so i will go ahead and post this. Please note, that this is not meant to be offensive in any way, it is just meant to be funny.Me, i laughed and i thought i'd share. Have a laugh or burst. Nobody gimme any of that pompous, righteous, prudent BS.
Bye y'all
Bye y'all
on the raod
I have had the most unproductive day of my adult life. We (these guys that are blessed to be sharing an office with me and I) only just recently moved and today was my first day at the new office. There is no internet. The place reeks of fresh paint. The food is crappy. It is mighty cold. And it is in the middle of nowhere. Erique threatened that if I did not come up with a post last week he would er, post something mean about me. I dared him to, and he failed to act on his threat. Chicken!
Speaking of last week, Friday evening on my way home, I witnessed an accident. At the Nakawa stage. It sort of messed up my rather nice evening. Not in the sense that it was an inconvenience but in the sense that it was a rather disturbing scenario. I was seated in the taxi waiting for it to fill up when I heard the most terrifying scream I ever heard. Just one scream. And silence. Then commotion. A man was down, possibly dead. A taxi speeding from Kireka direction had just ended a man’s life and sped off into the night. If you are familiar with the Nakawa stage, you will know that that is a high traffic area. Both human and motor traffic, so one has no business driving over 10km/h on that road, especially not in the evening frenzy.
Two strange things happened.
1. That as fate would have it, a police patrol car was driving in the opposite direction at that very instant. How oft does that happen?
2. That the patrol car just turned round and chased after the killer taxi, never once stopping to dispatch at least one officer to attend to the accident victim.
3. There was a third. That instead of helping the guy, people just started ransacking the victim’s pockets for loot.
4. I just watched on from the safety of the back seat in the taxi, door tightly shut, clutching my purse ever so tightly, still trying to take it all in.
There have been countless senseless road accidents like those that have claimed even more lives. Now, jiggers will kill two people and it will be all the newspapers are talking about yet ignoring road accident death stats of over a hundred people that die in such road accidents per month(silverbow, try insert the accurate stats here). Have accidents become so common that we have grown to be so immune to them like that? As if when another death occurs on the road, airbags pop up in our heads that protect us from the trauma and reality of it all. Somewhere, an air headed politician sits in the comfort of his air conditioned land cruiser as it glides along the smooth tarmac of Kololo trying to coin the most amazing theory on what causes Road accidents. And in a flash it hits him. Mini-skirts!
RIP stranger.
It is cuss free week this week Erique.
Princess deleted her blog?
Speaking of last week, Friday evening on my way home, I witnessed an accident. At the Nakawa stage. It sort of messed up my rather nice evening. Not in the sense that it was an inconvenience but in the sense that it was a rather disturbing scenario. I was seated in the taxi waiting for it to fill up when I heard the most terrifying scream I ever heard. Just one scream. And silence. Then commotion. A man was down, possibly dead. A taxi speeding from Kireka direction had just ended a man’s life and sped off into the night. If you are familiar with the Nakawa stage, you will know that that is a high traffic area. Both human and motor traffic, so one has no business driving over 10km/h on that road, especially not in the evening frenzy.
Two strange things happened.
1. That as fate would have it, a police patrol car was driving in the opposite direction at that very instant. How oft does that happen?
2. That the patrol car just turned round and chased after the killer taxi, never once stopping to dispatch at least one officer to attend to the accident victim.
3. There was a third. That instead of helping the guy, people just started ransacking the victim’s pockets for loot.
4. I just watched on from the safety of the back seat in the taxi, door tightly shut, clutching my purse ever so tightly, still trying to take it all in.
There have been countless senseless road accidents like those that have claimed even more lives. Now, jiggers will kill two people and it will be all the newspapers are talking about yet ignoring road accident death stats of over a hundred people that die in such road accidents per month(silverbow, try insert the accurate stats here). Have accidents become so common that we have grown to be so immune to them like that? As if when another death occurs on the road, airbags pop up in our heads that protect us from the trauma and reality of it all. Somewhere, an air headed politician sits in the comfort of his air conditioned land cruiser as it glides along the smooth tarmac of Kololo trying to coin the most amazing theory on what causes Road accidents. And in a flash it hits him. Mini-skirts!
RIP stranger.
It is cuss free week this week Erique.
Princess deleted her blog?
Move B****, Get out the way!
I have started and not completed over 4 posts in the last two weeks since I last posted but was never able to complete them coz my job could not allow me the time. I have recently come to the conclusion that I hate my job. And not only because I cannot read/write blogs any more. I deliberately missed this particular course on campus because I did not want to get bogged down with eternal butt kissing, but here I am at it. You might say that I sold my soul.
Of course I have been reading all your blogs, but not commenting as much except where it was absolutely impossible for me not to say anything!
I have of course gone through things during this whole time. I still can’t ride a bicycle but I can assure you that when it comes to eating raw pork at Kyadondo, I find that I excel greatly. Seeing as I do not excel at many other things, I am really happy with that achievement. No. I already have enough gold stars so don’t stress. And other things have gone on since last I posted. A guy I know went and gave his wife a ministerial post. No really. The president did. I keep thinking what his last thought was just before he slotted Janet’s name on the dotted line. God I hope Ugandan’s do not see this as nepotism. Of’ course not. ‘MY’ people would never think evil thoughts like those about me. No. by now Ugandans are so used to this sort of thing and nothing I do can surprise them anymore. In fact, I do not expect anybody to raise dust about this appointment at all. Ugandans dig me. And with that last thought, he flicked his parker pen and wrote;
State minister in charge of Karamoja; Sweetheart.
I have been wondering how he got to this conclusion and I figure, it could have gone one of these three ways. Take your pick.
Conversations with the Mistress
Darling, we have talked about this before, but I do not see you doing anything about it. When will she get out of the way? Are you even ever going to leave her? Now, now my love, do not stress your beautiful behind over it. I have a few plans in my mind. Really? Does that mean you are going to do a Kiyingyi on her? No. not that darling. But this one is even cooler. Entwining his fingers in hers, he looks at her gently and pronounces; I know, how about, I ship her off to a land far away, where network is poor, so she won’t be calling me incessantly. Then my darling you can move in here with me Monday to Friday.
Without waiting for an answer, he turned around and buried his head in the pillow right where it was embroidered Love Nest Motel and immediately went to sleep, content in the knowledge that he had given her a pleasant enough answer.
The one about Valentines’ day
Janet was lying around lazily drying her freshly painted toe nails imagining what hubby dearest had gotten her for Valentine’s Day never imagining that in their thirty something years of marriage he would forget just how important this day was to her. He had been hinting lately how much unattractive her underwear was getting by the day so she surely expected a gift in form of lingerie. She could not wait to try it on for him. When he came to bed at 3 that nite, he did not even bother to say anything to her, even if her shallow breathing suggested that she was still awake. The next day at breakfast, realizing that he was in trouble, and not willing to get into any confrontation, he told her that last night was a deliberate move to get her all worked up but he had a surprise for her that would sure make up for everything. And on Tuesday Feb 17th, she learned of it in her favorite tabloid. She found out just how long she would have to travel to unveil her belated Valentine ’s Day gift and was not amused. Lingerie would have done just fine.
Let’s bury the hatchet?
Yea so all those reports in the press that I was against you standing for that parliamentary post in Ruhama? Those were utterly wrong.. I have never wanted anything more in my life than for you to become an MP. I swear. I would have done anything. Yes of’ course including giving up my presidency if it meant you becoming MP. No. really. I would totally forget about any more bisanjas if you wanted me to. Your happiness is all that matters to me right now and just to prove how much I am into you furthering your political ambitions, here is a real political post. Go see if Karamoja can catch up with the rest of us.
Of course I have been reading all your blogs, but not commenting as much except where it was absolutely impossible for me not to say anything!
I have of course gone through things during this whole time. I still can’t ride a bicycle but I can assure you that when it comes to eating raw pork at Kyadondo, I find that I excel greatly. Seeing as I do not excel at many other things, I am really happy with that achievement. No. I already have enough gold stars so don’t stress. And other things have gone on since last I posted. A guy I know went and gave his wife a ministerial post. No really. The president did. I keep thinking what his last thought was just before he slotted Janet’s name on the dotted line. God I hope Ugandan’s do not see this as nepotism. Of’ course not. ‘MY’ people would never think evil thoughts like those about me. No. by now Ugandans are so used to this sort of thing and nothing I do can surprise them anymore. In fact, I do not expect anybody to raise dust about this appointment at all. Ugandans dig me. And with that last thought, he flicked his parker pen and wrote;
State minister in charge of Karamoja; Sweetheart.
I have been wondering how he got to this conclusion and I figure, it could have gone one of these three ways. Take your pick.
Conversations with the Mistress
Darling, we have talked about this before, but I do not see you doing anything about it. When will she get out of the way? Are you even ever going to leave her? Now, now my love, do not stress your beautiful behind over it. I have a few plans in my mind. Really? Does that mean you are going to do a Kiyingyi on her? No. not that darling. But this one is even cooler. Entwining his fingers in hers, he looks at her gently and pronounces; I know, how about, I ship her off to a land far away, where network is poor, so she won’t be calling me incessantly. Then my darling you can move in here with me Monday to Friday.
Without waiting for an answer, he turned around and buried his head in the pillow right where it was embroidered Love Nest Motel and immediately went to sleep, content in the knowledge that he had given her a pleasant enough answer.
The one about Valentines’ day
Janet was lying around lazily drying her freshly painted toe nails imagining what hubby dearest had gotten her for Valentine’s Day never imagining that in their thirty something years of marriage he would forget just how important this day was to her. He had been hinting lately how much unattractive her underwear was getting by the day so she surely expected a gift in form of lingerie. She could not wait to try it on for him. When he came to bed at 3 that nite, he did not even bother to say anything to her, even if her shallow breathing suggested that she was still awake. The next day at breakfast, realizing that he was in trouble, and not willing to get into any confrontation, he told her that last night was a deliberate move to get her all worked up but he had a surprise for her that would sure make up for everything. And on Tuesday Feb 17th, she learned of it in her favorite tabloid. She found out just how long she would have to travel to unveil her belated Valentine ’s Day gift and was not amused. Lingerie would have done just fine.
Let’s bury the hatchet?
Yea so all those reports in the press that I was against you standing for that parliamentary post in Ruhama? Those were utterly wrong.. I have never wanted anything more in my life than for you to become an MP. I swear. I would have done anything. Yes of’ course including giving up my presidency if it meant you becoming MP. No. really. I would totally forget about any more bisanjas if you wanted me to. Your happiness is all that matters to me right now and just to prove how much I am into you furthering your political ambitions, here is a real political post. Go see if Karamoja can catch up with the rest of us.
why i should never be allowed to write press releases
Panic gripped a monitor journalist yesterday morning as he rushed to work to find out whether he was still with job. This all stemmed from a press release by the Bank of Uganda in which the people’s bank quoted one of his editorials that was the cause of wide spread panic amongst the banking elite causing them to withdraw over a billion shillings from a one Barclays Bank. Classic case of tables turned if you ask me. You see, normally journalists write such alarming stories and sit back and watch everybody else squirm, headed in the other direction. But yesterday, said Monitor journalist was the only one running in the opposite direction, everybody else queuing up at the bank having managed to beat the morning traffic. That was until they heard the announcements by Bank of Uganda on Radio assuring them that Barclays bank was still solvent at which point they all ran back home to consult with their kids what that word meant. The kids of course were not very amused because MTV cribs was just showing Lil Wayne’s joint.
Now if Bank of Uganda were not lying bastards, here is the statement they would have sent out to the public;
Yes Barclays bank is under investigation for incompetence and a host of other things most of which we shall not mention here. You are therefore advised to go and draw out your money. No. Not so soon of course. See, it would not be wise to advise you to draw all your money now, what with Barclays owing us money and all now would it? So wait home a little longer until Barclays bank sorts out its loan to Central Bank, we shall let you know when it is really time to worry. No really. We would never lie to you if we knew a bank was closing. What was that you asked? Greenland and co-operative bank? Technically, we did not lie about those ones closing down. We just did not say anything to you. Besides, that was in the past. Forgive and forget mean anything to you?
We are not lying dogs like most of you would have us believe. Just because we have not yet let you all know by way of a press release that Stanchart has fired all its marketing team because they cannot afford to pay them does not mean that they are in any kind of financial trouble. What was that? Barclays bank also fired its loans marketing team? Yea. I knew that, but surely that is not indicative of any sort of financial trouble? What do you take us or? It is true Barclays Bank bought that bank that had been going under and have since failed to impress much but surely if everybody was judged by the number of times they have failed to impress, how many of the guys would still be standing tall?
Indeed it is really unfortunate that a one Dorene deposited most of her hard earned salary on her Barclays account on Monday and it has not yet been credited to her account. What can we say? Shit happens!
Now, allow me to hand the floor over to the CEO Barclays Bank who has something important to say; “On behalf of Barclays Bank and all those who believe without seeing, shut up already about Barclays. Because at Barclays, we only close on Weekends and public holidays, but one day I am sure, we shall close and never open. Ever
signed;
Guv'nor, Bank of Uganda.
Now if Bank of Uganda were not lying bastards, here is the statement they would have sent out to the public;
Yes Barclays bank is under investigation for incompetence and a host of other things most of which we shall not mention here. You are therefore advised to go and draw out your money. No. Not so soon of course. See, it would not be wise to advise you to draw all your money now, what with Barclays owing us money and all now would it? So wait home a little longer until Barclays bank sorts out its loan to Central Bank, we shall let you know when it is really time to worry. No really. We would never lie to you if we knew a bank was closing. What was that you asked? Greenland and co-operative bank? Technically, we did not lie about those ones closing down. We just did not say anything to you. Besides, that was in the past. Forgive and forget mean anything to you?
We are not lying dogs like most of you would have us believe. Just because we have not yet let you all know by way of a press release that Stanchart has fired all its marketing team because they cannot afford to pay them does not mean that they are in any kind of financial trouble. What was that? Barclays bank also fired its loans marketing team? Yea. I knew that, but surely that is not indicative of any sort of financial trouble? What do you take us or? It is true Barclays Bank bought that bank that had been going under and have since failed to impress much but surely if everybody was judged by the number of times they have failed to impress, how many of the guys would still be standing tall?
Indeed it is really unfortunate that a one Dorene deposited most of her hard earned salary on her Barclays account on Monday and it has not yet been credited to her account. What can we say? Shit happens!
Now, allow me to hand the floor over to the CEO Barclays Bank who has something important to say; “On behalf of Barclays Bank and all those who believe without seeing, shut up already about Barclays. Because at Barclays, we only close on Weekends and public holidays, but one day I am sure, we shall close and never open. Ever
signed;
Guv'nor, Bank of Uganda.