Get thee behind me Set Anne;
It had taken all my resolve not to write this one but shit, I realized that my resolve was best suited in other more important tasks. So I have sent my resolve on an errand to go and figure out a way to not kill my boss.
Life throws you lemons, you make lemonade but they never quite tell you from whence to get the sugar and the water. Life throws a negative person at you, it just never equips you with the weapons to finish them off without being caught. And so, miss thing still lives. Why do I want to kill her? Because she is too damn negative she would suck the green out of any cactus plant. She has just about sucked the life out of me!
I shall start at the beginning. The first time I ever interacted with Miss Thing as we shall refer to my subject, please feel free to insert name of choice- Anyway, so Miss Thing and I first interacted at a social gathering, and within minutes had realized that her favorite subject was herself so I gave up trying to bring up my new cookery class. My boyfriend joined us shortly and in the next five words, she had managed to insult him. How does she do that? Now, it was all I could do not to flex my Mukiga muscles and throw a punch her way. But then I figured, she has known him longer maybe that is exactly the way they relate. I mean, what she had said might have in fact been true, so who was I to fight boyfie’s battles?
That was the day I decided I was going to try not be around Miss Thing. Not that life was going to sit around and let that happen!
Later, life saw to it that Miss Thing and I were thrown at the same place at the same time. That day, I was rocking my new silver bra feeling all rich and shit, what with me wearing minerals as support for my hooters. So she says to me;
“Hi, why are you wearing a silver bra?”
And I thought; slap her, bitch slap her, or slap the shit out of that stick she has on high up her butt?
Instead, I must have smiled and made a lame excuse about how gold prices had gone high so all I could afford was the lesser mineral.
Two weeks ago, I had the displeasure of meeting with watsherface Miss Thing. After sharing an unexpected hug, she says,
“HI. What is wrong with your hair? Don’t you have a comb?”
And there she was again. Why must she spoil it for everybody? Miss thing, everything is not always perfect because you say so. It is most definitely not your duty to point out the flaws in other people to their faces, especially if they are not your friends. You just do not have the right. Also, try find something positive to say even if the story is not featuring you. But if you must know Miss Thing, I have 7 combs, each a different shade and er, feel. I comb my hair once a day and it is not my fault it does not always stay in place.
I also should have bitch slapped you. Sassed you. Or rebuked you. Instead I smiled and said something in response to your frigging, annoying intrusive query. I am polite that way.
You are killing me Miss!
Life throws you lemons, you make lemonade but they never quite tell you from whence to get the sugar and the water. Life throws a negative person at you, it just never equips you with the weapons to finish them off without being caught. And so, miss thing still lives. Why do I want to kill her? Because she is too damn negative she would suck the green out of any cactus plant. She has just about sucked the life out of me!
I shall start at the beginning. The first time I ever interacted with Miss Thing as we shall refer to my subject, please feel free to insert name of choice- Anyway, so Miss Thing and I first interacted at a social gathering, and within minutes had realized that her favorite subject was herself so I gave up trying to bring up my new cookery class. My boyfriend joined us shortly and in the next five words, she had managed to insult him. How does she do that? Now, it was all I could do not to flex my Mukiga muscles and throw a punch her way. But then I figured, she has known him longer maybe that is exactly the way they relate. I mean, what she had said might have in fact been true, so who was I to fight boyfie’s battles?
That was the day I decided I was going to try not be around Miss Thing. Not that life was going to sit around and let that happen!
Later, life saw to it that Miss Thing and I were thrown at the same place at the same time. That day, I was rocking my new silver bra feeling all rich and shit, what with me wearing minerals as support for my hooters. So she says to me;
“Hi, why are you wearing a silver bra?”
And I thought; slap her, bitch slap her, or slap the shit out of that stick she has on high up her butt?
Instead, I must have smiled and made a lame excuse about how gold prices had gone high so all I could afford was the lesser mineral.
Two weeks ago, I had the displeasure of meeting with watsherface Miss Thing. After sharing an unexpected hug, she says,
“HI. What is wrong with your hair? Don’t you have a comb?”
And there she was again. Why must she spoil it for everybody? Miss thing, everything is not always perfect because you say so. It is most definitely not your duty to point out the flaws in other people to their faces, especially if they are not your friends. You just do not have the right. Also, try find something positive to say even if the story is not featuring you. But if you must know Miss Thing, I have 7 combs, each a different shade and er, feel. I comb my hair once a day and it is not my fault it does not always stay in place.
I also should have bitch slapped you. Sassed you. Or rebuked you. Instead I smiled and said something in response to your frigging, annoying intrusive query. I am polite that way.
You are killing me Miss!
BHH, BHH snobbing, Bloggers snobbing BHH, Snobbery amongst bloggers, snobbery in general, one muzungu and a rasta
That pretty much sums up what happened at BHH yesterday.You people, why are u all friggin snobbing BHH? Rebbecca mus be turning in her grave seeing all of you stuck up snobs snubbing her show. Whooooops! Somebody just whispered that Rebecca is indeed still very much alive and can I please stop writing people’s Orbits before doing my research. Well anyway, the thing is that the turn up at BHH gets appalling by the month.
The show’s supposed to start at 6pm but when I arrived at 8pm to make my grand entrance, I was shocked to find that I would be on the welcoming committee instead with Ivan, Daniel and good ol Erique looking every bit the mean person he truly is. Nuh, on the real tho, that angelic smile he wears makes you almost want to be friends with him.
Anyway, as is always the case when a newbie meets me, shock and awe emotions were emitted yesterday. According to Daniel, of streetsyder Antipop was not at all what he expected!
"I expected somebody beautiful”
At which point I said, huh? Wondering whether I had indeed heard correctly. Then he made amends thus
"You know, I thought she’d look like what she writes like. You know, tall, slender, hot, stylish…"
I was torn between burying my head in shame and well, burying my whole body in shame. He seemed like a nice fellow though
Ivan stole my money. Even Dante. But Dante gave it back, Ivan donated some of it to a street child which might have been a sweet gesture had he not robbed from me.
The Muzungu and Rev joined us later and the rest of my evening was spent chatting to and trying to understand what Detamble the muzungu in question was really saying. It is tough being an African I tell ya.
I hear Solomon King dropped by. And sleek. I would like to say they were fun and smart and etc but I lost my mojo for telling lies. Must be those honest scrap thingies going around.
Dusk was a pleasant sight when she waltzed in towering over me in her fancy heels and all making me feel short even when I know better. Was lovely seeing you girl.
What happened to the rest of y’all? Why are u guys constantly absconding from BHH? Anybody has any ideas on how we can get the numbers up? Prizes maybe?
The show’s supposed to start at 6pm but when I arrived at 8pm to make my grand entrance, I was shocked to find that I would be on the welcoming committee instead with Ivan, Daniel and good ol Erique looking every bit the mean person he truly is. Nuh, on the real tho, that angelic smile he wears makes you almost want to be friends with him.
Anyway, as is always the case when a newbie meets me, shock and awe emotions were emitted yesterday. According to Daniel, of streetsyder Antipop was not at all what he expected!
"I expected somebody beautiful”
At which point I said, huh? Wondering whether I had indeed heard correctly. Then he made amends thus
"You know, I thought she’d look like what she writes like. You know, tall, slender, hot, stylish…"
I was torn between burying my head in shame and well, burying my whole body in shame. He seemed like a nice fellow though
Ivan stole my money. Even Dante. But Dante gave it back, Ivan donated some of it to a street child which might have been a sweet gesture had he not robbed from me.
The Muzungu and Rev joined us later and the rest of my evening was spent chatting to and trying to understand what Detamble the muzungu in question was really saying. It is tough being an African I tell ya.
I hear Solomon King dropped by. And sleek. I would like to say they were fun and smart and etc but I lost my mojo for telling lies. Must be those honest scrap thingies going around.
Dusk was a pleasant sight when she waltzed in towering over me in her fancy heels and all making me feel short even when I know better. Was lovely seeing you girl.
What happened to the rest of y’all? Why are u guys constantly absconding from BHH? Anybody has any ideas on how we can get the numbers up? Prizes maybe?
So this Erique thing
So anyway, after Erique and the internet babe had been chatting incessantly on the internets, he decided he could not wait to meet with her, and asked her out on a lunch date. On the day of the date, Erique dressed to impress and our Paparazzi was there to get the shots.
The place where Erique directed internet babe to find him for the lunch date.
Erique striking his best 50cent pose for our snappers in a bid to impress D no end
That is Erique looking nervous not quite sure what to say now he has met internet babe
Erique excusing himself to go before he pees his pants on realising that internet babe is actually hotter than in his wildest dreams. And he does have wild dreams. Behind him is our other snoop who has been masquerading as a receptionist at Erique's workplace for the duration of this assignment. She reported that she had never seen Erique as jittery as he has been lately.
Right after the romantic lunch that was made up of Kikomando and mineral water in Kaveera for kikumi. As you can see in that picture, he can't wait to wrap up the interview to go and relieve Kikomando logged intestines.
And this is internet babe
We wish Erique all the happiness in his impending nuptials. Over to you Erique
The place where Erique directed internet babe to find him for the lunch date.
Erique striking his best 50cent pose for our snappers in a bid to impress D no end
That is Erique looking nervous not quite sure what to say now he has met internet babe
Erique excusing himself to go before he pees his pants on realising that internet babe is actually hotter than in his wildest dreams. And he does have wild dreams. Behind him is our other snoop who has been masquerading as a receptionist at Erique's workplace for the duration of this assignment. She reported that she had never seen Erique as jittery as he has been lately.
Right after the romantic lunch that was made up of Kikomando and mineral water in Kaveera for kikumi. As you can see in that picture, he can't wait to wrap up the interview to go and relieve Kikomando logged intestines.
And this is internet babeWe wish Erique all the happiness in his impending nuptials. Over to you Erique
Erique hooks internet babe
Erique hooks internet babe
News reaching our desk is that Erique (of rentedmess) has been cavorting with a hot internet chic only identified as D. The lady in question has even changed er Facebook Relationship status from "Its complicated" to "Over the moon, I have finally found somebody to marry me."
We hear an internet bun is already in the oven and that Erique is a mess over the usually joyful news. We wish their cyber marriage nothing but the best
Keep your eyes open for more juicy revelations
This news comes courtesy of Your friends at Tabloid.com
News reaching our desk is that Erique (of rentedmess) has been cavorting with a hot internet chic only identified as D. The lady in question has even changed er Facebook Relationship status from "Its complicated" to "Over the moon, I have finally found somebody to marry me."
We hear an internet bun is already in the oven and that Erique is a mess over the usually joyful news. We wish their cyber marriage nothing but the best
Keep your eyes open for more juicy revelations
This news comes courtesy of Your friends at Tabloid.com
Museveni retains IGG Mwonda
When Justice Faith Mwondha was growing up, she never dreamed that she would be IGG. Not even when she was filling those career guidance forms at A’level. Now that she thinks about it, she should never have circled those chemistry objective type questions using the pinky pinky ponky method. Maybe then she would have been an aging chemist holed up in a food factory somewhere being majorly ignored by the world.
Mwonda is coming under attack by The Parliamentary Appointments Committee for failing to appear before them for scrutiny. You see, Ms Mwonda snubbed a scheduled appearance before Parliaments Appointments Committee on April 1st 2009 and who can blame her? She had received those summons while watching her favorite show on MTV (Yea. That second salary she had been earning from the Justice sector had come in handy when she had wanted that DSTV dish). And then it hit her. April 1st? Isn’t that fools day? She thought as she consulted her calendar to find that indeed if she risked going to parliament, instead of a vetting committee, she would be accosted by Ashton Kutcher and his film Crew. That boy Ashton can be humorless sometimes!
If today’s Daily Monitor is to be believed then Mwondha can sleep well tonight assured that indeed she did the right thing to opt for a career of toying with people’s feelings than toying with the Bunsen banner. But you cannot always believe Monitor. It is responsible for Besigye’s unwavering hope.
Those who do not know what I am talking about, apparently the President has reappointed Mwondha IGG, even if his trusted MPs did not think it was the right thing to do. But what do they know? They have no vision. Of course this appointment does not go down well with the speaker Edward Ssekandi who had already started organizing her farewell party. Her and her staff. The invitation card to the IGG staff read;
You are cordially invited to your surprise farewell party…
“We are leaving? I didn’t know that! “
“That is the surprise…”
Sekandi is already on his way to Nkurumah Road to cancel the order for the cards.
This procedes events of the past month where the Parliamentary vetting committee, made up of NRM stooges reasoned that one of them a one Mwondha was not fit for the position of IGG I bet on grounds that she had been responsible for sending their other colleagues to jail. Mwondha in her term of office has seen three NRM ministers Jim Muwhezi, Mike Mukula and Dr. Alex Kamugisha dropped from the cabinet and prosecuted over corruption. Even if the most that came out of this was that they spent a few uncomfortable nights in jail.
With her dismissal, the ministers were already envisioning bigger salaries and inflated allowances, while the rest of them were not listening to this debate and were updating their Facebook status on their new Black Berries.
Not that Mwondha was in any way moved by these threats. The outspoken woman said she would not quit unless she was ordered to do so by President Museveni or God. Remind me to ask her some time whether God does really have that long white Beard. Are there really no shavers in heaven??
Meanwhile Mwondha’s deputy Raphael Baku has been sent on leave until further notice. Somebody had to pay the price.
PS. In this story, Daily Monitor Keeps quoting “Highly placed sources who did not want to be named coz of the sensitivity of the matter… “Seriously Monitor has got to find another way of calling its moles.
Mwonda is coming under attack by The Parliamentary Appointments Committee for failing to appear before them for scrutiny. You see, Ms Mwonda snubbed a scheduled appearance before Parliaments Appointments Committee on April 1st 2009 and who can blame her? She had received those summons while watching her favorite show on MTV (Yea. That second salary she had been earning from the Justice sector had come in handy when she had wanted that DSTV dish). And then it hit her. April 1st? Isn’t that fools day? She thought as she consulted her calendar to find that indeed if she risked going to parliament, instead of a vetting committee, she would be accosted by Ashton Kutcher and his film Crew. That boy Ashton can be humorless sometimes!
If today’s Daily Monitor is to be believed then Mwondha can sleep well tonight assured that indeed she did the right thing to opt for a career of toying with people’s feelings than toying with the Bunsen banner. But you cannot always believe Monitor. It is responsible for Besigye’s unwavering hope.
Those who do not know what I am talking about, apparently the President has reappointed Mwondha IGG, even if his trusted MPs did not think it was the right thing to do. But what do they know? They have no vision. Of course this appointment does not go down well with the speaker Edward Ssekandi who had already started organizing her farewell party. Her and her staff. The invitation card to the IGG staff read;
You are cordially invited to your surprise farewell party…
“We are leaving? I didn’t know that! “
“That is the surprise…”
Sekandi is already on his way to Nkurumah Road to cancel the order for the cards.
This procedes events of the past month where the Parliamentary vetting committee, made up of NRM stooges reasoned that one of them a one Mwondha was not fit for the position of IGG I bet on grounds that she had been responsible for sending their other colleagues to jail. Mwondha in her term of office has seen three NRM ministers Jim Muwhezi, Mike Mukula and Dr. Alex Kamugisha dropped from the cabinet and prosecuted over corruption. Even if the most that came out of this was that they spent a few uncomfortable nights in jail.
With her dismissal, the ministers were already envisioning bigger salaries and inflated allowances, while the rest of them were not listening to this debate and were updating their Facebook status on their new Black Berries.
Not that Mwondha was in any way moved by these threats. The outspoken woman said she would not quit unless she was ordered to do so by President Museveni or God. Remind me to ask her some time whether God does really have that long white Beard. Are there really no shavers in heaven??
Meanwhile Mwondha’s deputy Raphael Baku has been sent on leave until further notice. Somebody had to pay the price.
PS. In this story, Daily Monitor Keeps quoting “Highly placed sources who did not want to be named coz of the sensitivity of the matter… “Seriously Monitor has got to find another way of calling its moles.
Use medicines sparingly
That shocking headline in the Daily Monitor yesterday stopped Ms Amy Winehouse in her tracks as she was about to sniff a line of cocaine. She split it into 3 neat lines for breakfast, lunch and supper. She had been meaning to cut down anyway. Dr. House did not bother with the details of the story as he set about finding more cunning ways of sneaking more Vicodine out of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital without Cuddy noticing.
The truth is though, those two people could not be bothered because The director General of Health services in Uganda Dr. Sam Zaramba has urged Ugandans to use available medicines sparingly to save the country from a possible drug hitch. According to him, the Country has been experiencing a shortage of anti Tuberculosis drugs. This has forced Uganda to borrow drugs from neighboring Kenya . I can see how this one played out;
Hello Mr. Kamau? It is me Sam. How are you at this juncture and how is Nyambura? Glad to hear u guys finally managed to cross the River between. We were all holding our breaths for you…
Now, do you think you can get us some few panadols? You see Mama Musoke and the baby girl are with Malaria. And I suspect you have also heard about Museveni’s finger. So we could use all the Panadol you can lay your hands on. Scratch that. Just send over one dosage and we shall split it equally between the three just fine. Right. Right. Uh huh, uh huh, Yea, Mrs. Kibaki won’t let you? Okay then. Glad we caught up. Gotta go. I have Mr. Nyerere on the other line now…
Meanwhile mother of three in Sembabule whose eldest child is about to swallow medicine suddenly screams out; I warn you junior. Stop arguing with me. From today on it is 2x2, then at night we can always just put a damp cloth on your forehead to make up for the other 2 tabs. You see, we are trying to save the rest for when Joan gets ill, okay?
But let us get to the big picture here. Large men in their large jackets and briefcases are stealing money that is meant to buy enough drugs to sustain the country for a period of time, and yet they roam the streets in their expensive cars while we sit and watch helplessly.
Dr Zaramba says the shortage is due to delays within the Global Fund in Geneva to remit funds. And who can blame those guys in Geneva? Last year, then minister of health Jim Muwhezi, his deputy Mike Mukula and Alex Kamugisha were charged with embezzlement and misuse of up to $1.63 million(and counting) from a gift of $3.86 million to the Health Ministry from the Global Alliance for Vaccines and Immunization.
Teddy Ssezi Cheeye, the director of economic affairs at the Internal Security Organization, was recently arrested and charged with embezzlement of Shs120 million worth of Global Fund money. If a dose of anti-malarials is about Shs. 12,000-14,000, you do the maths.
While these four go to sleep in luxury security fenced mansions where mosquitoes and disease causing germs and viruses are electrocuted at the wire fence to ensure that they do not need drugs, children in the North get infected with Polio.
In another part of the world, Pink does not agree that pills are all that important anyway. See, according to her, they keep making her ill. When the drugs are finished good, I guess that’s the message Dr Sam will be putting out to the public. Pills are bad. Instead of making you better, they keep making you ill. You heard?
The truth is though, those two people could not be bothered because The director General of Health services in Uganda Dr. Sam Zaramba has urged Ugandans to use available medicines sparingly to save the country from a possible drug hitch. According to him, the Country has been experiencing a shortage of anti Tuberculosis drugs. This has forced Uganda to borrow drugs from neighboring Kenya . I can see how this one played out;
Hello Mr. Kamau? It is me Sam. How are you at this juncture and how is Nyambura? Glad to hear u guys finally managed to cross the River between. We were all holding our breaths for you…
Now, do you think you can get us some few panadols? You see Mama Musoke and the baby girl are with Malaria. And I suspect you have also heard about Museveni’s finger. So we could use all the Panadol you can lay your hands on. Scratch that. Just send over one dosage and we shall split it equally between the three just fine. Right. Right. Uh huh, uh huh, Yea, Mrs. Kibaki won’t let you? Okay then. Glad we caught up. Gotta go. I have Mr. Nyerere on the other line now…
Meanwhile mother of three in Sembabule whose eldest child is about to swallow medicine suddenly screams out; I warn you junior. Stop arguing with me. From today on it is 2x2, then at night we can always just put a damp cloth on your forehead to make up for the other 2 tabs. You see, we are trying to save the rest for when Joan gets ill, okay?
But let us get to the big picture here. Large men in their large jackets and briefcases are stealing money that is meant to buy enough drugs to sustain the country for a period of time, and yet they roam the streets in their expensive cars while we sit and watch helplessly.
Dr Zaramba says the shortage is due to delays within the Global Fund in Geneva to remit funds. And who can blame those guys in Geneva? Last year, then minister of health Jim Muwhezi, his deputy Mike Mukula and Alex Kamugisha were charged with embezzlement and misuse of up to $1.63 million(and counting) from a gift of $3.86 million to the Health Ministry from the Global Alliance for Vaccines and Immunization.
Teddy Ssezi Cheeye, the director of economic affairs at the Internal Security Organization, was recently arrested and charged with embezzlement of Shs120 million worth of Global Fund money. If a dose of anti-malarials is about Shs. 12,000-14,000, you do the maths.
While these four go to sleep in luxury security fenced mansions where mosquitoes and disease causing germs and viruses are electrocuted at the wire fence to ensure that they do not need drugs, children in the North get infected with Polio.
In another part of the world, Pink does not agree that pills are all that important anyway. See, according to her, they keep making her ill. When the drugs are finished good, I guess that’s the message Dr Sam will be putting out to the public. Pills are bad. Instead of making you better, they keep making you ill. You heard?
Pr. Sempa Vs Redpepper; The court case
The facts
That Pr. Sempa took Redpepper to court advocating for court to ban publication of said newspaper citing pornographic content that entices people into crime and immorality when they read it.
That Pr. Sempa had two kids out of wedlock before he married his current wife
That Redpepper is an awesome newspaper which I read from cover to cover every day.
Here below are the court proceedings
Red Pepper Lawyers: Mr. Sempa, can you honestly say that when you read the Redpepper your morals are degenerated and in fact you are enticed into wrongdoing?
Pr. Sempa: Yes. It is especially responsible for degenerating morals amongst the youths.
Red Pepper: Tell us Mr. Sempa, is Redpepper the only newspaper you read?
Pr. Sempa: No. I also read The monitor, New vision, Bukkedde and The Observer
Redpepper lawyer whips out a copy of Monitor with headline “Ministers embezzle millions”
Tell us, does this headline make you want to steal money?
Pr. Sempa: No
Lawyer whips out Bukkedde with headline “Amusse”
Does this headline make you want to commit murder?
Pr Sempa: No
New vision here has a headline that says "Car theft on the rise"
Tell the court Pastor, does this make you want to steal Vehicles?
Pr Sempa: No
Lawyer shows him a copy of Redpepper that reads, “Sexpest invades Kampala”
Lawyer: so this makes you want to go out and have sex?
Pr Sempa: Yes
Oh, Okay. But tell us the Pastor; were you a virgin when you married your present wife? Did you not in fact father two children with two different women before marriage? Could it therefore be that You are the one with the problem Pastor?
And like that, Redpepper still lives among us
Bishops reject stolen money
The problem of corruption in Uganda has gotten to a point where religious intervention was needed. After vigorous investigation, it was revealed that stolen money eventually ends up at church. As you can imagine, top religious leaders were not happy about this trend of events. So then they decided to meet and put an end to this thing they say they were greatly saddened by.
Archbishops Cyprian Kizito Lwanga (Catholics), Henry Luke Orombi (Protestants), and Metropolitan Jonah Lwanga (orthodox) met over tea and buns at Namirembe Guest House where Orombi showed off the view of the city and passed it off as his own. Not that they believed him or anything. Needless to say, Balaggade sekadde was not invited to this particular meet. Just before he popped the mouthwatering bun in his mouth, Cyprian made the sign of the cross, Orombi bowed his head to pray, and Metropolitan just looked on not quite sure what the fuss was all about. Just eat the damn buns already, he almost screamed.
“Right, we are gathered here today in the presence of …” started Cyprian
“What? Why? When? Whence? What if? Who…” interjected Orombi protesting only because, well, he had to.
Metropolitan kept quiet not wanting to say anything because he has always been ignored by these two anyway.
There was a lot of back and forth until they all eventually agreed that they should put out a statement saying they strongly condone Christians from giving stolen money as offertory. No word on whether they should stop stealing it however. Brethren have to eat.
Meanwhile their counterparts at the Pentecostal churches were in talks with major banks ordering for more ATMs to be fixed at their churches, and then later headed to JapaneseMotors.com to find out what Hammers were going for these days.
The first victim to fall prey to the new crackdown was Jim Muwhezi and none was as shocked as him to see two plain clothed Soldiers for Christ Mamba escorting him out of All saints Cathedral after depositing a large brown envelope of money into the collection bag.
In the interrogation room later, one of them said to a sweating Jim, “So Jimmy, a close source tells us that your money has the smell of ARV’s, Anti-malarials and TB drugs that never were…” No news on what will happen to the brown envelope. Sources say that the Clergy will pray, fast and bless the money and then it shall not smell stolen any more.
When news of this reached Rubaga Cathedral, Cyprian then made a quick telephone call to Don Corleone’s nephew at the Vatican and warned him of the crackdown saying that money given to him directly by the godfather was not acceptable, unless of course he sent it through MTN mobile money.
The Metropolitan instantly went back to dozing at his desk. Nobody ever gave offertory at his church anymore.
Archbishops Cyprian Kizito Lwanga (Catholics), Henry Luke Orombi (Protestants), and Metropolitan Jonah Lwanga (orthodox) met over tea and buns at Namirembe Guest House where Orombi showed off the view of the city and passed it off as his own. Not that they believed him or anything. Needless to say, Balaggade sekadde was not invited to this particular meet. Just before he popped the mouthwatering bun in his mouth, Cyprian made the sign of the cross, Orombi bowed his head to pray, and Metropolitan just looked on not quite sure what the fuss was all about. Just eat the damn buns already, he almost screamed.
“Right, we are gathered here today in the presence of …” started Cyprian
“What? Why? When? Whence? What if? Who…” interjected Orombi protesting only because, well, he had to.
Metropolitan kept quiet not wanting to say anything because he has always been ignored by these two anyway.
There was a lot of back and forth until they all eventually agreed that they should put out a statement saying they strongly condone Christians from giving stolen money as offertory. No word on whether they should stop stealing it however. Brethren have to eat.
Meanwhile their counterparts at the Pentecostal churches were in talks with major banks ordering for more ATMs to be fixed at their churches, and then later headed to JapaneseMotors.com to find out what Hammers were going for these days.
The first victim to fall prey to the new crackdown was Jim Muwhezi and none was as shocked as him to see two plain clothed Soldiers for Christ Mamba escorting him out of All saints Cathedral after depositing a large brown envelope of money into the collection bag.
In the interrogation room later, one of them said to a sweating Jim, “So Jimmy, a close source tells us that your money has the smell of ARV’s, Anti-malarials and TB drugs that never were…” No news on what will happen to the brown envelope. Sources say that the Clergy will pray, fast and bless the money and then it shall not smell stolen any more.
When news of this reached Rubaga Cathedral, Cyprian then made a quick telephone call to Don Corleone’s nephew at the Vatican and warned him of the crackdown saying that money given to him directly by the godfather was not acceptable, unless of course he sent it through MTN mobile money.
The Metropolitan instantly went back to dozing at his desk. Nobody ever gave offertory at his church anymore.
You are not what you eat
...You re what you leave the ATM booth smelling of....
Moral of this one is; Be careful who are following in line at the ATM. Sniff them first for hecksake!
Moral of this one is; Be careful who are following in line at the ATM. Sniff them first for hecksake!