Fuck-face here

Now, I am never going to win a Nobel for good language. But I also do not dispense it where it is not warranted. And that is like once a year. But not this year. Just today alone, I have let my tongue loose like a million times already. Well, mostly in my head really. And who has brung this on, you may ask? It is some moron called Moses

One of my workmates is going away to study in Europe (you would think I am so totally jealous but I swear I am not.) and I thought it would be nice to do something awesome for her. I mean she can be a bum sometimes, like the other day when she outed me to the boss, but do I hold grudges? No. So my sweet awesome ass decided to throw her a surprise party. Since I could not do it by my not so broke self, I figured I could solicit around from all the guys that lounge at the workplace, and that are always smiling at her (they have to pay for something, no?). Which is how I composed this mail and sent it to the relevant guys. And some gals.

greetings y'all,
you are invited to phoebe's SURPRISE farewell party on saturday 3rd. may at club sway.
nothing fancy. No need to borrow clothes.
now, what is a party without contributions?
consider this a fundraiser mail
pitch in wherever you can. all of you.
kindly RSVP by end of day to help me plan.


PS. need I remind you to keep your mouths shut around phoebe?

Simple enough English if you ask me. Enter moron aka Moses, who happens to sit in the same area that most of us sit, including the subject of the surprise party thing. Opens mail, before he reads anything, says,

"Antipop, what is this mail all about? Whose farewell?"
I totally ignore him, hoping he will read on further and shut his mouth. He reads on and then shouts;
Phoebe, when is this party?
Phoebe, confused, looks around so moron, sori, moses goes on,
Your farewell party I mean. This one at sway, when is is? If it is on sarturday pliz count me out. I will not be able to make it”
By now, everyone is laughing, and the joke is on me.

I do not have many tear jerking moments. I do not cry when I see babies. Quite frankly, they all look like ugly imps, and unless I am crying at just how ugly a human being can look, I don’t cry at all. I don’t cry when I see animals being mistreated. They are animals. And I eat them for crying out loud. The other day, everyone in the car I was in broke down to tears when they saw a dog, lick another’s wounds after it had been knocked down on a highway. I did not cry. I did not cry when I watched titanic, I did not cry when I broke up with a loser I liked, I did not cry when the queen waved at me on Kampala road. I don’t cry. But this made me cry. Moses made me cry. He brought me to tears. And I will make him pay. I don’t know how, but he will pay. This I promise you.

Y’all were fabulous

First, I thought I could just be there in a sort of undercover way, observe, then come and hate on my blog. But this is not possible with this group. They have a way of grilling even the most private secrets out of you. Which is how my identity was coaxed out of me. Oh crap. Who am I kidding? All they had to do was ask twice and I was ready to spill all. Who I was, what I was doing there, and what I was planning to do with the information I had uncovered.

They told me about my e-feud between her, and myself that everyone saw right through the minute that post went up. I bet coz it was not as sizzling as magoo and cheri’s. They accused me of trying to make kalango(detamble, this means advert) for her, but really all I wanted was for y’all to see that while I am busy minding my business, wasting office time blogging, another blogger was singing my hymns-some, not really flattering.

We talked about those bloggers that failed to turn up. We talked about you, you and you. You will never know whether we said good things about you, or were just plain mean to you. Although I would not put the latter past the bunch I met yesterday. There was never a dull moment.

kissyfur, you were the only one I could readily identify. Coz of the picture on your profile. I am sorry I was not everything you expected me to be. I hear this fabulous, tall skinny chick with a “don’t even think about it” attitude, only to be presented by a midget shock that was me.

edmo, why were you guarded? What were you hiding from us? The arms folded across your chest body language you had going spoke a tale of its own.

ivan, I will hold you to your word and wait for your call next Thursday for rock night. And if you do not call, I will post your mobile number for all to see. And then my friend you shall experience the power of real stalkers. Yes I am capable of underhand antics to get my way.

tumwi, if I was not busy star gazing, I would have been able to make out your beautiful eyes, I would have admired your Bata shoes more, I would have applauded you for keeping conversation going with everyone, I would have had something to say about that head scarf, but I couldn’t. I kept going back to your posts, and thinking, I am actuali looking at her…

Darlkom, I almost robbed your phone. Not because it was fabulous(and it was) but because you had awesome music. and i kept wanting to bring up your phone alarm post, but never got round to it.

27th, you looked like nothing I had envisioned.You have beautiful hair. And that is all you will get out of me.

carlo, you are pretty. Yes. pretty beautiful and pretty reserved. But your smile lit up the table. Are you posting any of those pictures you took?

littlejars, thanx for bailing me out. For lending me money to buy drinks just so that I fit in. my only regret is that you coerced me into buying you coffee. I never buy coffee. I hate the pretentiousness of it all. Those little mugs they serve it in. I hate it. I was happy when you said that you did not enjoy it. Next time please, stick to black ice. dunno when i will get round to paying you. wait, i already paid.

duksey, I would not have made it there without you. Ok maybe I would have, but you made the journey much more easier in your tiny wheels. If only you all had shut up on the way there, I would have had a much funner (I invented it) time arriving there.

lulu, what a beautiful smile you have.

It was my firsties at BHH. It was such fun, I forgot about that trip to Madagascar that she said we would discuss. Anyone went home with the tickets?

roving eye

here is what i have captured.

my local bank's robbing me, and making me look stupid while doing it. last week, i got this note from the ATM, now this note is so old, no one wants to take it off my hands. the other day, i bought airtime, loaded it on my phone before i paid. so i give the man this note, and swear on my life that that is the only money i had on me. he grabbed my bag and threatened to take my phone if i did not come up wit newer money. i relented.

some of the ingredients that make up a trash can. not mine.

in the girl world, this is a no no. no two girls should be caught alive at the same function in the same dress.

some of my favourite people at the moment. my favourite people tend to vary a lot. so enjoy it while it lasts.

clearly, a family that has given up. it is the end of April but the calender at home's still turned at january, since that january day when the neighbour gave it to us.

these legs, the writer feels, should have their moment in the spotlight. or in any light for that matter.

a call to boycott-anyone join me?

it is my humble plea that ya'll join me to boycott this blogettess. she has said some mean mean things about me. i ask all of you not to believe a word she says. exceptin maybe just the title of the post.

also, i know that i have been tagged by some people.(well, after constant bickering and bitching)so technically i owe y'all a post about those taggy taggy questions. but i will not deliver. because reali, i secretly hate being tagged. no offence detamble. it takes me back to spam mail because of the whole tag four other people or whatever. so i am un tagging myself. but i love to read the rest of your tag things. cant post anything now. dying to pee, and by the time i return, i will hav gotten writer's bloc.

myself,office conspiracy, east african idols,

My office thought long and hard and figured that putting a stop to the flow of creative juices among its staff was the best way to increase their bank balance. And how did they go about doing that? Looks like the boss had a word with some guy from the IT department (the most incompetent I must add) and decided to block our blogger and facebook accounts. It is called webscensing!!! So every time I try to access my blog, I get a rude feedback telling me that it is filtered or nonsense along those lines. It has been a frustrating time no end.

Therefore since I could not blog, I had to find other means of entertainment outside free Internet at work. Now, I am a sucker for reality shows, if for nothing else, just to scoff at the lack of reality in the show. Yes, am the girl that sits through project fame, project runway, idols, big brother, the apprentice, top chef and my all time favorite, beauty and the geek and wonder how someone can keep a smile pasted on their faces for that long without cracking around the lips, or musing at how really easy it is to manufacture tears.

Anyway, so this is how I know that Idols East Africa has started. And like everything else we try to steal from the west, we just never manage to pull it off. Take apprentice Africa for example. Anyone seen that show? Neither did I. It put me to sleep instantly. Now, Idols East Africa. To begin with, the judges are the stereotypical 2 male and one female American Idol judges. A fat (ish) easy going version of Randy, a pretty senseless Paula wannabe complete with the fake endearments, and then a corky rapper supposed to be Simon Cowell. But what these judges have in common is this; they cannot see talent if it slapped them in the face- which is what I hopped someone would do before auditions were through.

But it was the contestants that I loved best. This one girl (lost sheep)walks on to the stage clearly looking like she has no business being there. But, this is a show that gives everyone chances so no one was going to deny this poor gal her time in the limelight.

Phony judge1: so what do you have for us today?
Lost sheep: (mouth open) huh?
Phony judge3: (rather impatiently) wha’rrrr you gonna sing forrrrus?
Lost sheep: eeeeh. I want to sing “noah” by “shakeez”
Phony judges all together: which one?
Lost sheep: “noah” by “shakeez”

The judges, all nodding, but obviously not comprehending, urge her on. Lost sheep opens her mouth and belts out, “no one” by “Alicia keys”


what is life without them?
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