Pr. Sempa Vs Redpepper; The court case

The facts

That Pr. Sempa took Redpepper to court advocating for court to ban publication of said newspaper citing pornographic content that entices people into crime and immorality when they read it.
That Pr. Sempa had two kids out of wedlock before he married his current wife
That Redpepper is an awesome newspaper which I read from cover to cover every day.

Here below are the court proceedings

Red Pepper Lawyers
: Mr. Sempa, can you honestly say that when you read the Redpepper your morals are degenerated and in fact you are enticed into wrongdoing?
Pr. Sempa: Yes. It is especially responsible for degenerating morals amongst the youths.
Red Pepper: Tell us Mr. Sempa, is Redpepper the only newspaper you read?
Pr. Sempa: No. I also read The monitor, New vision, Bukkedde and The Observer
Redpepper lawyer whips out a copy of Monitor with headline “
Ministers embezzle millions”
Tell us, does this headline make you want to steal money?
Pr. Sempa: No
Lawyer whips out Bukkedde with headline “
Does this headline make you want to commit murder?
Pr Sempa: No
New vision here has a headline that says
"Car theft on the rise"
Tell the court Pastor, does this make you want to steal Vehicles?
Pr Sempa: No
Lawyer shows him a copy of Redpepper that reads,
“Sexpest invades Kampala”
Lawyer: so this makes you want to go out and have sex?
Pr Sempa: Yes

Oh, Okay. But tell us the Pastor; were you a virgin when you married your present wife? Did you not in fact father two children with two different women before marriage? Could it therefore be that You are the one with the problem Pastor?

And like that, Redpepper still lives among us

Bishops reject stolen money

The problem of corruption in Uganda has gotten to a point where religious intervention was needed. After vigorous investigation, it was revealed that stolen money eventually ends up at church. As you can imagine, top religious leaders were not happy about this trend of events. So then they decided to meet and put an end to this thing they say they were greatly saddened by.

Archbishops Cyprian Kizito Lwanga (Catholics), Henry Luke Orombi (Protestants), and Metropolitan Jonah Lwanga (orthodox) met over tea and buns at Namirembe Guest House where Orombi showed off the view of the city and passed it off as his own. Not that they believed him or anything. Needless to say, Balaggade sekadde was not invited to this particular meet. Just before he popped the mouthwatering bun in his mouth, Cyprian made the sign of the cross, Orombi bowed his head to pray, and Metropolitan just looked on not quite sure what the fuss was all about. Just eat the damn buns already, he almost screamed.

“Right, we are gathered here today in the presence of …” started Cyprian
“What? Why? When? Whence? What if? Who…” interjected Orombi protesting only because, well, he had to.

Metropolitan kept quiet not wanting to say anything because he has always been ignored by these two anyway.

There was a lot of back and forth until they all eventually agreed that they should put out a statement saying they strongly condone Christians from giving stolen money as offertory. No word on whether they should stop stealing it however. Brethren have to eat.

Meanwhile their counterparts at the Pentecostal churches were in talks with major banks ordering for more ATMs to be fixed at their churches, and then later headed to to find out what Hammers were going for these days.

The first victim to fall prey to the new crackdown was Jim Muwhezi and none was as shocked as him to see two plain clothed Soldiers for Christ Mamba escorting him out of All saints Cathedral after depositing a large brown envelope of money into the collection bag.

In the interrogation room later, one of them said to a sweating Jim, “So Jimmy, a close source tells us that your money has the smell of ARV’s, Anti-malarials and TB drugs that never were…” No news on what will happen to the brown envelope. Sources say that the Clergy will pray, fast and bless the money and then it shall not smell stolen any more.

When news of this reached Rubaga Cathedral, Cyprian then made a quick telephone call to Don Corleone’s nephew at the Vatican and warned him of the crackdown saying that money given to him directly by the godfather was not acceptable, unless of course he sent it through MTN mobile money.

The Metropolitan instantly went back to dozing at his desk. Nobody ever gave offertory at his church anymore.

You are not what you eat

...You re what you leave the ATM booth smelling of....

Moral of this one is; Be careful who are following in line at the ATM. Sniff them first for hecksake!

Who shall tell the president?

The president was in a panic this morning and quickly sent for his medical team to put his mind at ease. You see, he had had a very bad premonition that a certain newspaper(I use that word ever so sparingly in this case) had claimed that he was sick and dying as evidenced by his sausage finger. Or he had dreamt it. He could not be quite sure. Although, it was not a premonition really. It is just that the dear president had opened his eyes just in time to catch the press guy swapping today’s front page of Redpepper with yesterday’s copy. A priest caught bonking a married wife was a safer bet than “Museveni is Sick.” What religious leaders got up to was not top of the agenda today, unless of course it was Patience. So anyway, he sent for his medical team, who ran tests on his finger and changed his band aid and pronounced him good to go for another 20 years. Or so.

I read the story and thought again that journalists must be the luckiest bunch of people. They write stories, and early morning, in the safety of their swinging chairs pull out their binoculars and scan the impact of their foray. From their headquarters in Namanve, Redpepper mounted their chairs at the rooftop and proceeded to see how everybody was headed up to statehouse to pay their condolences. They were shocked that only Janet had rushed up to state house from her station In Gulu to pay her respects. She was also turned away at the gate and told that the president had a case of the manicure gone wrong, nothing a band aid would not fix. Like that, she turned around and went back to playing Messiah in Karamoja.

Disappointed that their headline did not cause mass impact, Redpepper vultures went back to Seeta bar and Inn, where they ordered for the cheapest gin and proceeded to coin the next day’s story. And headline.

Meanwhile in state house, the president went about his duties, and other political cartoonists scratched their heads trying to figure out how to spin the whole thing. After piles and piles of drafts and baskets full of waste paper, Ras decided to go back to drawing dogs, cows, goats, and ants with massive balls.

I post today coz even I have become embarrassed by the image I am met with when I open this here page

Nominate a blogger to attend a G20Voice Project. Go here for details;!

open at your own peril

I have never seen any under 18's here at this blog so i will go ahead and post this. Please note, that this is not meant to be offensive in any way, it is just meant to be funny.Me, i laughed and i thought i'd share. Have a laugh or burst. Nobody gimme any of that pompous, righteous, prudent BS.

Bye y'all

on the raod

I have had the most unproductive day of my adult life. We (these guys that are blessed to be sharing an office with me and I) only just recently moved and today was my first day at the new office. There is no internet. The place reeks of fresh paint. The food is crappy. It is mighty cold. And it is in the middle of nowhere. Erique threatened that if I did not come up with a post last week he would er, post something mean about me. I dared him to, and he failed to act on his threat. Chicken!

Speaking of last week, Friday evening on my way home, I witnessed an accident. At the Nakawa stage. It sort of messed up my rather nice evening. Not in the sense that it was an inconvenience but in the sense that it was a rather disturbing scenario. I was seated in the taxi waiting for it to fill up when I heard the most terrifying scream I ever heard. Just one scream. And silence. Then commotion. A man was down, possibly dead. A taxi speeding from Kireka direction had just ended a man’s life and sped off into the night. If you are familiar with the Nakawa stage, you will know that that is a high traffic area. Both human and motor traffic, so one has no business driving over 10km/h on that road, especially not in the evening frenzy.

Two strange things happened.

1. That as fate would have it, a police patrol car was driving in the opposite direction at that very instant. How oft does that happen?
2. That the patrol car just turned round and chased after the killer taxi, never once stopping to dispatch at least one officer to attend to the accident victim.
3. There was a third. That instead of helping the guy, people just started ransacking the victim’s pockets for loot.
4. I just watched on from the safety of the back seat in the taxi, door tightly shut, clutching my purse ever so tightly, still trying to take it all in.

There have been countless senseless road accidents like those that have claimed even more lives. Now, jiggers will kill two people and it will be all the newspapers are talking about yet ignoring road accident death stats of over a hundred people that die in such road accidents per month(silverbow, try insert the accurate stats here). Have accidents become so common that we have grown to be so immune to them like that? As if when another death occurs on the road, airbags pop up in our heads that protect us from the trauma and reality of it all. Somewhere, an air headed politician sits in the comfort of his air conditioned land cruiser as it glides along the smooth tarmac of Kololo trying to coin the most amazing theory on what causes Road accidents. And in a flash it hits him. Mini-skirts!

RIP stranger.

It is cuss free week this week Erique.

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