The devil wears nada

CHOGM month’s not been fair to me. Yea I know, no one said life was going to be fair to me at any stage of the way, but hey, it could have spared me some of the blows it has landed over the years.

But true to life, it never seems to let up. That is how I ended up having the worst month ever. The damn back pains and stomach pains that I’d earlier documented turned out to be a result of a bigger picture. It is embarrassing to say, but I have had my period for over a month now and it does not look like it is going anywhere anytime soon.

This debuted my first glimpse into the gynecologist’s office, and consequently, his bed. No silly, I mean the examination bed but oh well, I did wish it was his bed at some point.
Lying down on that bed and hearing him drone on and on about how everything was going to be okay, how I had nothing to worry about was when I decided, I needed to get complications like these very often, if hot, sexy doctors are what went with it.

Right there I decided, since he was having fun groping my tummy and well, other parts, I was gonna have my fun as well. That is when I started to undress him, first, that drab white coat, then his shirt, the pants went next and just as I was about to pull down his boxer shorts, I heard “D….., looks like everything is fine but we will just have to carry out further tests just in case…”
I zapped out of my daydream, gathered myself together, headed to the lab and left the wickedly sexy gynea to his job. Me and my imagination pffffft!

What you do in the dark…

Ya’ll heard Jesus say that didn’t you? No. I wasn’t there either, but I read my bible. So Jesus, apparently the worst communicator ever, (the guy could not call a spade a spade- you just had to figure it out in a parable, proverb or some tall yarn). So this one time he said “whatever you do in the dark, shall be brought to light” now, according to my brother in law, my sister gets up to no good in the night while they sleep. And he was about to expose her.

At first, I thought that the guy was going to reveal that my sister was a night dancer or something of the sort. But he looked at us earnestly and said he was going to sue for domestic violence. With concerned faces, (not me really. I was eagerly waiting for some drama to unfold) we all turned to him and listened.

Turns out that on several occasions he (my brother-in law) woke up with a sprained neck and painful jaws. His conclusion, “seems my wife slaps me while am sleeping”

I want to trade families.

Abusing the acronym…

I want to talk about LOL, short for, Laughing Out Loud
You only use it when you think that what the other person said/wrote was funny

I have seen many people use it even at the end of their own publications.
On a blog I visited recently, I was dismayed when I checked out comments posted and someone had commented thus,
“For us, at that place where i go every morning, meetings always go like that. Thats why we have an in-house shrink! LOL”

When you use it like this fool above, It means one or all of these things,
1. You are a shallow self righteous person who laughs at own not so funny jokes
2. You think the reader is some blond bimbo/ stud and therefore you have to explain to them that what you just said was funny
3. You are insulting the reader’s intelligence
4. You are insulting their integrity.
5. you have no sense of humor.

not ready to make nice…

In a very cramped, over crowded car, an argument ensued about whether gay guys should be hung, shot or crucified. Nothing about whether they should be hugged, loved and accepted. As far as the other occupants were concerned, there was only one verdict for homosexuals-death- and the only question remained, how it was going to be served out.

I chose to disagree. I disagreed that no, not all of the millions of gay people are insane and need medical attention, that no, not all of them would go to hell and no it was not my business to say what two grown up people got into (there is a pan there) in their spare time.

I said to them, no lesbian has ever stole from me, no gay man has ever murdered my relatives, no lesbian ever lied, cheated or raped me, so who was I to dictate their fate? To their argument that it (homosexuality) is against bible teachings, I said to them, is it not the same God that created each one of us in his likeliness? Is it not the same God that creates everything for a reason? Is it indeed not the same bible that tells us never to question God’s decisions? To accept them as they come?

The way I see it, for people to use the banner of the church/ religion to denounce and spread hate messages against fellow humans is not right. Hate messages that will cause one to harm another simply because of their sexual leanings, that, was simply wrong.

And in that crumpled car, a very angry woman asked “do you think what they are doing is right then?” very, very carefully, I told her “I don’t know.” And I said, it is not my place to say what is right or what is wrong, not my place to tell them from whom to draw their happiness, and certainly not my place to tell them what is awaiting them in the after life.

For in all honesty, no one really knows. All I ask is that they do not be judged.

beat that...

I am about 5”0(my friend P says its way lower than that) and once dated a 6”4 guy.where other guys call their girlfriends baby, honey, sugar, sweetheart and all that mucky stuff, idiot, as we shall refer to him from now on, fondly called me midget. Midge when it was an extremely romantic moment.

One year ago, a conversation took place.

Me: hey T am broke, may be you should lend me some money
Idiot: (looks at me, laughs) midge, you are probably richer than I am
Me: how come?
Idiot: what natural resources do you know?
Me: (tryn to sound smart) er, er, gold, timber, diamonds, oil….
Idiot: all of which come from the ground
Me: yea, but get to the point
Idiot: (looking at me incredulously) me and you, who is closer to the ground?
Me: @#$$%%^&&**%$#

despair is when...

Since I bin away, I added another year to my ever-expanding number. I decided to make B-day uneventful, refused to tell anyone about it, lest they ask the dreaded question. You know the one, “how old are you today?” just in case I had to lie about it in the near future (which I will) and someone put me on the spot about that one.

As if that was not bad enuff, I almost played THE trampcard. Yes. I almost died from a strange burning sensation in my stomach, which left me crawling around the house like a zombie when I needed to get around. My sister had a good laugh on that one. She called it “God’s mysterious ways” because I had refused to give her MY new wallet. My sharp mouth could not get me out of that one. So there, lying on the floor, panting like a fool, I gave my soul to Christ and hoped he would accept me when in about 5minutes my time came. It didn’t. Obviously.

Today, my woes are not yet over, may just play that trampcard after all. There is a burning sensation (like the sound of it) in my chest even if I have never touched a cigarette in my life. And contrary to what some of my colleagues say, it has nothing to do with the weight of the man I am supposedly carrying on top of me when they are not watching. Nosy bastards the whole lot.
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