Bishops reject stolen money

The problem of corruption in Uganda has gotten to a point where religious intervention was needed. After vigorous investigation, it was revealed that stolen money eventually ends up at church. As you can imagine, top religious leaders were not happy about this trend of events. So then they decided to meet and put an end to this thing they say they were greatly saddened by.

Archbishops Cyprian Kizito Lwanga (Catholics), Henry Luke Orombi (Protestants), and Metropolitan Jonah Lwanga (orthodox) met over tea and buns at Namirembe Guest House where Orombi showed off the view of the city and passed it off as his own. Not that they believed him or anything. Needless to say, Balaggade sekadde was not invited to this particular meet. Just before he popped the mouthwatering bun in his mouth, Cyprian made the sign of the cross, Orombi bowed his head to pray, and Metropolitan just looked on not quite sure what the fuss was all about. Just eat the damn buns already, he almost screamed.

“Right, we are gathered here today in the presence of …” started Cyprian
“What? Why? When? Whence? What if? Who…” interjected Orombi protesting only because, well, he had to.

Metropolitan kept quiet not wanting to say anything because he has always been ignored by these two anyway.

There was a lot of back and forth until they all eventually agreed that they should put out a statement saying they strongly condone Christians from giving stolen money as offertory. No word on whether they should stop stealing it however. Brethren have to eat.

Meanwhile their counterparts at the Pentecostal churches were in talks with major banks ordering for more ATMs to be fixed at their churches, and then later headed to JapaneseMotors.com to find out what Hammers were going for these days.

The first victim to fall prey to the new crackdown was Jim Muwhezi and none was as shocked as him to see two plain clothed Soldiers for Christ Mamba escorting him out of All saints Cathedral after depositing a large brown envelope of money into the collection bag.

In the interrogation room later, one of them said to a sweating Jim, “So Jimmy, a close source tells us that your money has the smell of ARV’s, Anti-malarials and TB drugs that never were…” No news on what will happen to the brown envelope. Sources say that the Clergy will pray, fast and bless the money and then it shall not smell stolen any more.

When news of this reached Rubaga Cathedral, Cyprian then made a quick telephone call to Don Corleone’s nephew at the Vatican and warned him of the crackdown saying that money given to him directly by the godfather was not acceptable, unless of course he sent it through MTN mobile money.

The Metropolitan instantly went back to dozing at his desk. Nobody ever gave offertory at his church anymore.

27 loungers burdening me:

Miss Cheri said...

Serious lolling here.

Mbu made a call to Don Corleone's nephew.

Ugandan girl said...

lol....i just cant stop....i feel for the metropolitian othordox...lol..

jny23 said...

And i used to think yu know nothing regarding religions.
Yu never cease to amuse me.

Hilariously told.
How does one convert into a metropolitan orthodox?

31337 said...

i did not understand half of what is going on in this post but taken at its premise, or whatever, totally awesome.

The Edge said...

Lady it appears you are trying to look for trouble in state house and the clergy...

normzo said...

these matters of relgion are alien to me...

@Edge-ya i see she is looking for trouble....dont be suprised if she just disapears off the scene.

Mudamuli said...

Ha ha ha at Normzo. Indeed, don't be suprised if some supernatural power causes her to disappear.

Chanel said...

Kale bambi Jim, and I am going to ask God to lead his three men to this blog. Then when Jim stops over at their churches they will ask him to look at the blog too. Then we shall see

Heaven! said...

mbu more atms to be fixed on their churches...that's hilarious!!!

Emi's said...

Hilarious, Antipop Indeed you are such a multi-tasker

Well narrated, Now about our meeting.

Erique said...

Our pastors are styled up, right? Is it okay to send Me2U airtime as offertory?

Erique said...

Our pastors are styled up, right? Is it okay to send Me2U airtime as offertory?

Erique said...

Your blog is greedy. I wonder where it gets the inspiration?

Sybella said...

sometimes you render me speechless...

feather said...

what a laugh

Carlo said...

I'm dying of laughter! Soon as I get to heaven I'll write a proper comment.

~ScotchBiscuits~ said...

kale you tickle!!
mbu tea and buns...

Edmund said...

God...i hope DNA is not committing Blasphemy ....Good piece though.Keep it up...the last time i went for a lunch hour fellow at Fido Dido the Pastor asked us to put up a certain amount of money and he would pray for it to multiply in a matter of days....I had 10k between me and poverty, i was at Campus.Oba i had even walked for it from MUK to Industrial Area ...and he wanted us to take the money to the basket as soon as he finished praying.Imagine my ka Money i had sweated for ...They are shameless whether it is stolen or blood soaked money, they take as long as it is legal tender...I hope am not being blasphemous.

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