why i should never be allowed to write press releases

Panic gripped a monitor journalist yesterday morning as he rushed to work to find out whether he was still with job. This all stemmed from a press release by the Bank of Uganda in which the people’s bank quoted one of his editorials that was the cause of wide spread panic amongst the banking elite causing them to withdraw over a billion shillings from a one Barclays Bank. Classic case of tables turned if you ask me. You see, normally journalists write such alarming stories and sit back and watch everybody else squirm, headed in the other direction. But yesterday, said Monitor journalist was the only one running in the opposite direction, everybody else queuing up at the bank having managed to beat the morning traffic. That was until they heard the announcements by Bank of Uganda on Radio assuring them that Barclays bank was still solvent at which point they all ran back home to consult with their kids what that word meant. The kids of course were not very amused because MTV cribs was just showing Lil Wayne’s joint.

Now if Bank of Uganda were not lying bastards, here is the statement they would have sent out to the public;

Yes Barclays bank is under investigation for incompetence and a host of other things most of which we shall not mention here. You are therefore advised to go and draw out your money. No. Not so soon of course. See, it would not be wise to advise you to draw all your money now, what with Barclays owing us money and all now would it? So wait home a little longer until Barclays bank sorts out its loan to Central Bank, we shall let you know when it is really time to worry. No really. We would never lie to you if we knew a bank was closing. What was that you asked? Greenland and co-operative bank? Technically, we did not lie about those ones closing down. We just did not say anything to you. Besides, that was in the past. Forgive and forget mean anything to you?

We are not lying dogs like most of you would have us believe. Just because we have not yet let you all know by way of a press release that Stanchart has fired all its marketing team because they cannot afford to pay them does not mean that they are in any kind of financial trouble. What was that? Barclays bank also fired its loans marketing team? Yea. I knew that, but surely that is not indicative of any sort of financial trouble? What do you take us or? It is true Barclays Bank bought that bank that had been going under and have since failed to impress much but surely if everybody was judged by the number of times they have failed to impress, how many of the guys would still be standing tall?

Indeed it is really unfortunate that a one Dorene deposited most of her hard earned salary on her Barclays account on Monday and it has not yet been credited to her account. What can we say? Shit happens!

Now, allow me to hand the floor over to the CEO Barclays Bank who has something important to say; “On behalf of Barclays Bank and all those who believe without seeing, shut up already about Barclays. Because at Barclays, we only close on Weekends and public holidays, but one day I am sure, we shall close and never open. Ever

signed;
Guv'nor, Bank of Uganda.

21 loungers burdening me:

Miss Cheri said...

Still cnat believe these socks are waiting for me.

Miss Cheri said...

But why are rumour circulating mbu Barclays is gonna close.

I also wanna see Lil Wayne's joint.

Is one Dorene's money on her account yet? Can one Dorene wire me some shillings because one Chantal is kayasing.

Miss Cheri said...

And thirds because my bum is too big these days...

B2B said...

@Cheri
Pics hapa?
hola!

Robyn said...

hello.gat the Barclays news too.it put me on my toes for a while.n i rarely read the news online.

val said...

@ Cheri...wowowo..embrace it!!

Antipop...I would love to know what Lil Wayne's crib looks like...

Liz said...

hehehe...this had me chuckling..so did good things for my gloomy evening. now let me try saying this without using 4 letter words
If truth be known, sthing is going down at Barclays and it cd be serious indeed. They are so bloody incompetent nowadays, i closed my account like a month back..phew..didn't swear!!

Erique said...

Some statement, lady. What was up with you making us wait this long?

Anonymous said...

Centenary says, 'HA! Who's the broke one now? Ha!' -baz-

31337 said...

finally the curtains fall. there have been words in the airs for a few months now.

Ugandan girl said...

@ Cheri post pictures...

Barclays...when, where, how....omg..

Doesnt Baz work for monitor...?

apr9 said...

@Cheri.......hump pics already.

Lol @ Baz.....

Because at Barclays, we only close on Weekends and public holidays, but one day I am sure, we shall close and never open. Ever

Now u know y u wouldn't be allowed to write press releases.

If its true its really a shame....

jny23ug said...

me i think Barclays "blew a mindii (read pipe) for me".
Despite all the poor services i have received including walking all the way to Ntinda as all ATMS were off, i have failed to close my account.

SilverBow said...

i say, pack yo bags all u barclays customers! there's never smoke without fire

Xena said...

hee hee, good one,and today, Barclays released a statement announcing all their profits thus denying th insolvency rumours but i'll believe the rumours for now, i've never trusted that bank.
As for you depositing your whole salary at Barclays, are you mad??you never learn,do you? Anyway, welcome to brokeville albeit you'll be saving indirectly, thanks to the bank that wants you to grow with them and perhaps go with them....graveward....

yz said...

closing? barclays? but my money is wired through that account?! you lie!

Carsozy said...

Ha ha jny23 i hear barclays blew a mindi for him, totally screwed up, tonaba.

lulu said...

i am a barclays perosn btw, so i was in panic too

~ScotchBiscuits~ said...

judging from this one,I think you should be allowed to write a press release or two every now and then.

Princess said...

2 weeks, Antipop??
Where are you gone? :(

nevender said...

I almost opened an account at Barclays; thank God I did not!

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