why i should never be allowed to write press releases

Panic gripped a monitor journalist yesterday morning as he rushed to work to find out whether he was still with job. This all stemmed from a press release by the Bank of Uganda in which the people’s bank quoted one of his editorials that was the cause of wide spread panic amongst the banking elite causing them to withdraw over a billion shillings from a one Barclays Bank. Classic case of tables turned if you ask me. You see, normally journalists write such alarming stories and sit back and watch everybody else squirm, headed in the other direction. But yesterday, said Monitor journalist was the only one running in the opposite direction, everybody else queuing up at the bank having managed to beat the morning traffic. That was until they heard the announcements by Bank of Uganda on Radio assuring them that Barclays bank was still solvent at which point they all ran back home to consult with their kids what that word meant. The kids of course were not very amused because MTV cribs was just showing Lil Wayne’s joint.

Now if Bank of Uganda were not lying bastards, here is the statement they would have sent out to the public;

Yes Barclays bank is under investigation for incompetence and a host of other things most of which we shall not mention here. You are therefore advised to go and draw out your money. No. Not so soon of course. See, it would not be wise to advise you to draw all your money now, what with Barclays owing us money and all now would it? So wait home a little longer until Barclays bank sorts out its loan to Central Bank, we shall let you know when it is really time to worry. No really. We would never lie to you if we knew a bank was closing. What was that you asked? Greenland and co-operative bank? Technically, we did not lie about those ones closing down. We just did not say anything to you. Besides, that was in the past. Forgive and forget mean anything to you?

We are not lying dogs like most of you would have us believe. Just because we have not yet let you all know by way of a press release that Stanchart has fired all its marketing team because they cannot afford to pay them does not mean that they are in any kind of financial trouble. What was that? Barclays bank also fired its loans marketing team? Yea. I knew that, but surely that is not indicative of any sort of financial trouble? What do you take us or? It is true Barclays Bank bought that bank that had been going under and have since failed to impress much but surely if everybody was judged by the number of times they have failed to impress, how many of the guys would still be standing tall?

Indeed it is really unfortunate that a one Dorene deposited most of her hard earned salary on her Barclays account on Monday and it has not yet been credited to her account. What can we say? Shit happens!

Now, allow me to hand the floor over to the CEO Barclays Bank who has something important to say; “On behalf of Barclays Bank and all those who believe without seeing, shut up already about Barclays. Because at Barclays, we only close on Weekends and public holidays, but one day I am sure, we shall close and never open. Ever

signed;
Guv'nor, Bank of Uganda.