Loser promised

Every little girl dreams of what her first kiss will be like. They practice in the mirror, on Barbie, whatever (while their counterparts practice on the maid). It has got to be perfect. Because that first kiss might very well determine the course of world peace. Well, I had those dreams. Of the perfect first kiss

You see, I always thought Kevin (neighborhood hunk) would be my first kiss. All the girls were crazy about him, but Kevin, he was crazy about me.

But that is not how it all played out

Conniving shithead loser had other ideas. This loser was my cousin. He was 8 years older than me. He was 19, I was 11. Well, shithead liked to say nice sweet nothings to me. And I loved to hear them. Once he told me I had the best shoulders he had ever seen. Up to now, I still don’t know wtf that means. Anyway, so he said sweet things, and liked to put his arm around my shoulders, sometimes even rub my shoulders.

One certain rainy afternoon, I am taking a nap like all self-respecting 11 year olds who have very harsh, cruel, tyrants for house helps do when shithead walks into my room. He wakes me up, gives me this whole speech about how I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen and how one day he would marry me.

11yroldtrustingantipop: really shithead? You mean that?
Shithead: ofcourse. But you will have to do something for me in return
11yroldtrustingantipop: yes? What?
Shithead: let me have one tiny kiss

I tell you this my brothers and sisters, it is easier for a camel to go through…than describe the grossness of that kiss. Shithead planted his lips on mine, stuck his fat sticky tongue down my throat and proceeded to suck like he was sucking the seeds out of a bad orange. It was gross. It was my first kiss.


And he never married me

28 loungers burdening me:

tumwijuke said...

This is very, very disturbing story of incest, child abuse and defilement.

Antipop, you know I love you, but if you persist in inducing my migranes, I will kill you.

antipop said...

hahahaha. it is. child abuse and shit. but it never went further. you reckon that is why i am a pissed off individual though?

gishungwa said...

I LOL'd despite this being a sad situation.Now you just hunt him down and shoot to maim!

Tandra said...

No wonder....

Even Steven said...

@Tumwi: I have been told that in Uganda, the term incest means different things to different people. So maybe Kevin didn't think it was.

It was child abuse though and i don't care how far he went.

somebody save Private Kevin. Or not.

buttercookie said...

Lol...some practice on their maids??? Antipop, I think I'm beginning to fall in like with u! As in a real crush...yeah, I like badasses (even when they say u're sweet in person)

When is your birthday?

But that is where the fun stops...

U. Kissed. Your. Cousin???? YOUR COUSIN?

Ok, this pot wotn call the kettle black...

Don't ask.

-Miss Cheri

leos child said...

cheri who did you kiss?one two three now spill.antipop you used to practice with the mirror?does your cousin live in uganda by any chance?i know too many questions couldnt help it.

Ivan said...

cheri, I've met your cousin, and she's hot!

31337 said...

hmm...i do not recall my first kiss. totally forgettable has new meaning.

Princess said...

This post is rearing to mind some ugly memories...

neofreud said...

I dont know wheather to laugh or cry after reading that.

You have a very good way of making even the worst situations shine in a new light.

My first kiss (or first anything for that matter) was never as exciting as I had hoped.

Anonymous said...

at least you can talk about yoz some pple's first kiss are such forgatable marks in their lives that when such talk comes up, they simply proceed to the second kiss...but aaaaaaaaaahhhh neda wat you did was gross.

antipop said...

@gishungwa, to forgive is er, what is it they say about forgiveness? whatever. i forgave.

@tandra wonder what that means, but thank you for dropping by

@even steven, kevin turned out a loser eventually.

@buttercookie. who? who is saying i am not badass anymore? do not believe those rumors you hear. i am as bad as they come. birthday...wil have to ask my mum. wil get back to you...no. MY cousin kissed ME

@leo's child. he does.you know him?

@ivan now, dont go insinuating that cheri, the cheri, that calls her boyfriend up to tell him about neighbour's sexcapades is er, er, different?

@31337 what do you remember? care to share?

@princess everyone has some of those. some more ugly than anything you could come up with

@neofreud. just laugh. it is much easier. and it would make me rest easier

@annonymous hey, i was the VICTIM *me, pulling out the trumpcard...*

Dark Angel said...

First Kisses.. my fav comedian of all time , Hugh Laurie - has a funny story about that -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjXDZ530Jo8&feature=related

kakaire said...

Girl, you need to stay the incest away from me.

For someone who had never kissed before, how could you tell a good one from a bad one?

seinlife said...

First steps to heal is to talk about it....so kudos, u r on your way to recovery! As for 'shithead' - i hope someone kicks his ass at some point in his life...perv

on another note, practicing kissing on barbie?

buttercookie said...

Lol Kakaire...always seeing this other side...

That's I'ma have your child.

-Miss Cheri

nahjaj said...

I think maybe I was supposed to be grossed out but this was very funny... absolutely hilarious...

i loved ur convo insert "really shithead? you mean that?" ROTFL:-D

Ms. Diva said...

It must have been sth else..your own cuz..what do you do now when you meet him?

antipop said...

@dark angel, just checking out the clip. which means all other aspects of my life are on a standstill. thank you very much

@kakaire, that is why i am telling the story 12 years later. because now i know better. infact only this morning i had a good kiss...

@seinlife, i did not mean myself. i have seen girls do it in the movies...

@nahjaj, thank you, thank you very much. i like when my life turns into comedy

@ms.diva, thanks for dropping by, and i kick him in the shins thats what i do. nuh, i just smile and pretend...don't we all?

antipop said...

@dark angel, fantastic clip. thank you

Phoebe said...

............one day, i will some how be able to comment on this.
About that good kiss, would you like to share some more. Yep I be like that; spill on it.

bazanye said...

Cosign everyone who said that was gross but why are we laughing.

Chanel said...

If in my journalism years I was assigned to write stories of girls who have been molested and sexually abused by their counsins uncles or whatever houseboys even housegirls, i would be an award winner. But people/parents want to pretend that these things dont happen to their children only white kids so I pretend along

Josh said...

Practice on the maid?
LOL!

James Tubman said...

lol

cheer up sis

im more sure you will get more meaningful kisses in the future

mrsb2b said...

lol... antipop, with the drama you have had with so many losers, kind of not surprised about this.

i hope it has gotten much better for you. kissing is just soooooooooooooooooooo good to be missed!

DeTamble said...

Ick! Stupid Shithead!! Poor Antipop all innocent and eleven. Though I totally see you on the cousin thing. Mine and yours, we should hook them up, they could travel the world taking advantage of little girls, they'd be in heaven.

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