on my to kill list today,

Here are some of the songs that make my intestines grind against each other and threaten to expel all that bread, rice and sugar that I binge on everyday. These songs make me get so constipated, that when I go to the loo, all I expel is air. They make my head hurt so bad that I want to commit suicide. These songs, they suck the cellulite out of my thighs- that’s a good thing actually- these songs, I hate.

Umbrella (Rihanna)- Yea. I know I am going to take heat on this one coz in the video she has on that cute penguin costume that exposes her round bottom. But man, I hate that song. I hate it especially coz it has corny, cheesy RnB lyrics that are also suggestive if you pay attention and that ella, ella, chorus thing that sounds like it was churned out for the Blu three in Steve Jean’s shack

No one (Alicia Keys)- I love Alicia. But what a joke! What a mockery to her person! How dare she put her reputation at stake? And for what? For those amateurish lyrics? And that bridge! ‘Oh oh oh oh oh (repeat till you cry)…’ I forgive you Alicia, because of that song “you don’t know my name,” but please if you ever come up with anything like this garbage again, we shall part ways for real.

Say what you need to say (John Meyer)- Actually, those are the only words he says in the whole song. Why is it important that you remind us to say what we need to say like a million times? Dude, we heard it the first time. Don’t try to force your blood into our veins!

Blue Magic (Jay Z)- This guy says sometimes he composes a song in like 25 minutes. Here. Sample some of the lyrics to this song… “No pain, no profit!”(You just found that out Einstein?) …. “Chef, guess what I cooked”(genius connecting chef and food! Who would have thunk?)…. “Rockstar, look”(something had to rhyme with cook). The video has a good picture. And colors.

Cindy’s new song. Anyone heard it? No? Don’t.

Gimme More (Britney spears)- That song is a mess. The video, a complete mess. No more of that song, please.

Four minutes (Madonna)- Now grandma Madonna has got to take a break. Go and breast feed baby Banda or something. Wait. There is no milk in there. Right. Go milk the goat then, but whatever you do, stop twisting ever so painfully like that, always putting me on tension wondering at what point you shall break that hip. And for fucksake stop hanging around the young boys. It only makes you look older. And put on some clothes while you are at it.

Teacher (Master Blaster)- For just