Loser #1
Date: Monday night
Venue: national theatre
Hanging out with: some very dark girl and a very short loser
Status: curfew got me, so have to go back home with loser
Ps; have done this twice before
Get to his home with only one thing on my mind- rest my alcohol-ridden ass. But loser #1 has other things on his mind. I gently turn him down, push to the furthest corner of his bed and snore. Gets the hint, backs off. Wake up next morning with a very strange, warm object* poking my back, turns out, loser’s flashing his object my way.
He likes to do this a lot. He must really be proud of his object, coz he is always flushing it in my face, walking around naked, arms akimbo, as if to say, “and all this, could be yours”. I find this very strange, but I don’t blame him, it is the only tall thing he has to show for himself. I just wish he would put that obnoxious thing away and let me sleep. He won’t. So I get up, take a bath and go home.
object-anything that is visible or tangible and is relatively stable in form.
i am on a roll
When I was in my first year at university, I got so many guys wanting to go out with me, so I complained to my brother one afternoon and he warned me thus; “hey D, you best use this opportunity as much as you can, because when you are in 3rd year, you will be begging boys to even say hi to you. ” of course I laughed in his face, reminded him that our ancestors were of a rare breed and hence I would still look attractive 3 years later.
Boy was I wrong! By the end of 3rd year, I was friends with the male toilet cleaners, the rolex (not watches) guy from across my hostel, the hostel van driver, and the bodaboda guys. My hay days were over.
Two years out of school and my luck is returning. There is a host of boys asking me out again. I am not running to my brother for advice, am afraid the old cynic will hint that since I am almost graying, I should jump at the first opportunity to get knocked up by one of them and settle for nothing less than a ring on my finger.
So here I am. Torn between one loser from the other, yet afraid to be without any loser friends. And I am asking you, how do I drop all the losers and be happy just being old and tired?
Boy was I wrong! By the end of 3rd year, I was friends with the male toilet cleaners, the rolex (not watches) guy from across my hostel, the hostel van driver, and the bodaboda guys. My hay days were over.
Two years out of school and my luck is returning. There is a host of boys asking me out again. I am not running to my brother for advice, am afraid the old cynic will hint that since I am almost graying, I should jump at the first opportunity to get knocked up by one of them and settle for nothing less than a ring on my finger.
So here I am. Torn between one loser from the other, yet afraid to be without any loser friends. And I am asking you, how do I drop all the losers and be happy just being old and tired?
my hate speech
For the whole month I am going to meet people who will wish me a happy new year. There is 2 things wrong with that.
1.that last year the same people wished me a ‘happy new year’ but look how it turned out. What makes them think this one is going to be any better?
2. There is nothing new about this year. It is the 4th for crying out loud. When will the year’s newness end? So the whole month when am smiling, nodding and answering “same to you” to new years wishes, all I really want to do is kick the bearers
Melanie the radio presenter still did not get fired this month. Sadly she is still as dumb this year. About the current fuel crisis, this is what she said, “the price of diesel is high as opposed to the price of fuel which is low”. Another year to remind me that my radio station could not care less about my well-being.
It is the month for making resolutions you know you will not even attempt to fulfill. And what is wrong with people? Always asking what my resolutions are? They are mine okay. Also, it is the month I have to remember that I did not achieve any of the resolutions I set out to achieve last year. Not even the one about making my bed at least once a week.
that i have become the grass. kibaki and raila fight, and i have to fork out some extra cash for taxi fare.
i hate
1.that last year the same people wished me a ‘happy new year’ but look how it turned out. What makes them think this one is going to be any better?
2. There is nothing new about this year. It is the 4th for crying out loud. When will the year’s newness end? So the whole month when am smiling, nodding and answering “same to you” to new years wishes, all I really want to do is kick the bearers
Melanie the radio presenter still did not get fired this month. Sadly she is still as dumb this year. About the current fuel crisis, this is what she said, “the price of diesel is high as opposed to the price of fuel which is low”. Another year to remind me that my radio station could not care less about my well-being.
It is the month for making resolutions you know you will not even attempt to fulfill. And what is wrong with people? Always asking what my resolutions are? They are mine okay. Also, it is the month I have to remember that I did not achieve any of the resolutions I set out to achieve last year. Not even the one about making my bed at least once a week.
that i have become the grass. kibaki and raila fight, and i have to fork out some extra cash for taxi fare.
i hate
What blues?
Everyone is always talking about Monday blues this, Monday blues that and I always wondered wat they felt like. Coz me, am an everyday girl. Especially Thursdays. But today I woke up and my wallet was gone. You would think the Monday blues would be coming on right then. But waa. All I could see was gray and black. Nothing blue about how my day was going. I could have given anything for the blues at that time.
Right when I was getting used to the fact that I will have no money for the rest of the year, I fix my flash disk in the computer and some fcuk face I had lent it to had deleted all of my documents. All of them. Now am seeing dark blue, dark black, blood and goth. Still nothing blue about my Monday. Why do they call them Monday blues any way? Anyone got an answer? Anyone?
What a bummer my day is turning out to be and its only 11:00am.
Right when I was getting used to the fact that I will have no money for the rest of the year, I fix my flash disk in the computer and some fcuk face I had lent it to had deleted all of my documents. All of them. Now am seeing dark blue, dark black, blood and goth. Still nothing blue about my Monday. Why do they call them Monday blues any way? Anyone got an answer? Anyone?
What a bummer my day is turning out to be and its only 11:00am.
I am suing the Serena Hotel
So they have rumps for the disabled, elevators for the lazy, and TV for loungers, but cannot provide a simple thing for short people? What would happen if God forbid Sara short were to perform there? Huh? Huh?
While am still suing people, I just may sue KCC or Central govt or whatever, coz since before CHOGM, I noticed that they brought the pavements closer to my face. Why couldn’t they just leave well alone when the ground was just miles away from my face. Am not short sighted. Am just short.
So why am I suing the Serena? Recently, I went there for God knows what, I cant be bothered to remember. So being a ranked hotel, (you know like 1star, 2star, only it is there abouts of 5star) it has revolving doors, that also happen to be sensor doors. So I am already running late, I stand in front of one of these fancy doors. And the damn doors refuse to open. So I turn around to try and get help, and there, grinning like a fool, was the bell boy or whatever they call them outside Hollywood. He came over, raised his arm from behind me and the damn doors slid open. Turns out, am too short for the door sensors.
I may sue. I may not. Or I may just sue my mom
While am still suing people, I just may sue KCC or Central govt or whatever, coz since before CHOGM, I noticed that they brought the pavements closer to my face. Why couldn’t they just leave well alone when the ground was just miles away from my face. Am not short sighted. Am just short.
So why am I suing the Serena? Recently, I went there for God knows what, I cant be bothered to remember. So being a ranked hotel, (you know like 1star, 2star, only it is there abouts of 5star) it has revolving doors, that also happen to be sensor doors. So I am already running late, I stand in front of one of these fancy doors. And the damn doors refuse to open. So I turn around to try and get help, and there, grinning like a fool, was the bell boy or whatever they call them outside Hollywood. He came over, raised his arm from behind me and the damn doors slid open. Turns out, am too short for the door sensors.
I may sue. I may not. Or I may just sue my mom
Help! There’s a blonde on my radio
So we know Seanice left very large shoes to fill, but surely, sanyu fm could have come up with a size ten woman to take over the breakfast show. Instead, we got served Melanie. A blonde with just the wrong shade of hair and color. She tries so hard to sound intelligent everyday, and everyday, she fails to pull it off. That is how she ends up getting into arguments she has no clue about. Hence her arguments always sound like, “If it’s not a girl it’s a boy. I can’t see it being anything else...”
Only yesterday, her co-presenter fatboy was analyzing a certain political figure and how he does not seem to give explanations for his actions. “…instead, he always goes on the defensive” concluded fatboy. To which Melanie replied “yea, and that could be dangerous for him. He should instead try to be on the offensive. ” I switched off the radio and looked through the window at the grass fly in every direction as it was mowed. Atleast the grass had an opinion.
Only yesterday, her co-presenter fatboy was analyzing a certain political figure and how he does not seem to give explanations for his actions. “…instead, he always goes on the defensive” concluded fatboy. To which Melanie replied “yea, and that could be dangerous for him. He should instead try to be on the offensive. ” I switched off the radio and looked through the window at the grass fly in every direction as it was mowed. Atleast the grass had an opinion.
Boss from hell
Usually, I like my editor. She is kinda nice and every so often accommodating, even if quite frankly, I give her a hard time. But not on this day. She wasn’t. She started off well, inviting a friend and I (I hate that speak. Why can’t I just say ‘me and my friend’?) for a cocktail party of some clothes shop in town. So am all excited to go, when I remember that this was the same day of the blogger’s get together. And I did not want to miss that. And wait wasn’t she a blogger too?
But the boss is boss. So we left, with her in tow. What she forgot to tell me was that it was a black and white party. I was wearing blue denims (I could just say jeans could I not?) and brown something. On second inspection though, I realized she could not have known judging from the all pink outfit she had on. After givin instructions and making sure I understood what kind of story she wanted, she told me she was off to the blogger’s get together!
I do not like my boss so much right now.
But the boss is boss. So we left, with her in tow. What she forgot to tell me was that it was a black and white party. I was wearing blue denims (I could just say jeans could I not?) and brown something. On second inspection though, I realized she could not have known judging from the all pink outfit she had on. After givin instructions and making sure I understood what kind of story she wanted, she told me she was off to the blogger’s get together!
I do not like my boss so much right now.
The devil wears nada
CHOGM month’s not been fair to me. Yea I know, no one said life was going to be fair to me at any stage of the way, but hey, it could have spared me some of the blows it has landed over the years.
But true to life, it never seems to let up. That is how I ended up having the worst month ever. The damn back pains and stomach pains that I’d earlier documented turned out to be a result of a bigger picture. It is embarrassing to say, but I have had my period for over a month now and it does not look like it is going anywhere anytime soon.
This debuted my first glimpse into the gynecologist’s office, and consequently, his bed. No silly, I mean the examination bed but oh well, I did wish it was his bed at some point.
Lying down on that bed and hearing him drone on and on about how everything was going to be okay, how I had nothing to worry about was when I decided, I needed to get complications like these very often, if hot, sexy doctors are what went with it.
Right there I decided, since he was having fun groping my tummy and well, other parts, I was gonna have my fun as well. That is when I started to undress him, first, that drab white coat, then his shirt, the pants went next and just as I was about to pull down his boxer shorts, I heard “D….., looks like everything is fine but we will just have to carry out further tests just in case…”
I zapped out of my daydream, gathered myself together, headed to the lab and left the wickedly sexy gynea to his job. Me and my imagination pffffft!
But true to life, it never seems to let up. That is how I ended up having the worst month ever. The damn back pains and stomach pains that I’d earlier documented turned out to be a result of a bigger picture. It is embarrassing to say, but I have had my period for over a month now and it does not look like it is going anywhere anytime soon.
This debuted my first glimpse into the gynecologist’s office, and consequently, his bed. No silly, I mean the examination bed but oh well, I did wish it was his bed at some point.
Lying down on that bed and hearing him drone on and on about how everything was going to be okay, how I had nothing to worry about was when I decided, I needed to get complications like these very often, if hot, sexy doctors are what went with it.
Right there I decided, since he was having fun groping my tummy and well, other parts, I was gonna have my fun as well. That is when I started to undress him, first, that drab white coat, then his shirt, the pants went next and just as I was about to pull down his boxer shorts, I heard “D….., looks like everything is fine but we will just have to carry out further tests just in case…”
I zapped out of my daydream, gathered myself together, headed to the lab and left the wickedly sexy gynea to his job. Me and my imagination pffffft!
What you do in the dark…
Ya’ll heard Jesus say that didn’t you? No. I wasn’t there either, but I read my bible. So Jesus, apparently the worst communicator ever, (the guy could not call a spade a spade- you just had to figure it out in a parable, proverb or some tall yarn). So this one time he said “whatever you do in the dark, shall be brought to light” now, according to my brother in law, my sister gets up to no good in the night while they sleep. And he was about to expose her.
At first, I thought that the guy was going to reveal that my sister was a night dancer or something of the sort. But he looked at us earnestly and said he was going to sue for domestic violence. With concerned faces, (not me really. I was eagerly waiting for some drama to unfold) we all turned to him and listened.
Turns out that on several occasions he (my brother-in law) woke up with a sprained neck and painful jaws. His conclusion, “seems my wife slaps me while am sleeping”
I want to trade families.
At first, I thought that the guy was going to reveal that my sister was a night dancer or something of the sort. But he looked at us earnestly and said he was going to sue for domestic violence. With concerned faces, (not me really. I was eagerly waiting for some drama to unfold) we all turned to him and listened.
Turns out that on several occasions he (my brother-in law) woke up with a sprained neck and painful jaws. His conclusion, “seems my wife slaps me while am sleeping”
I want to trade families.
Abusing the acronym…
I want to talk about LOL, short for, Laughing Out Loud
You only use it when you think that what the other person said/wrote was funny
I have seen many people use it even at the end of their own publications.
On a blog I visited recently, I was dismayed when I checked out comments posted and someone had commented thus,
“For us, at that place where i go every morning, meetings always go like that. Thats why we have an in-house shrink! LOL”
When you use it like this fool above, It means one or all of these things,
1. You are a shallow self righteous person who laughs at own not so funny jokes
2. You think the reader is some blond bimbo/ stud and therefore you have to explain to them that what you just said was funny
3. You are insulting the reader’s intelligence
4. You are insulting their integrity.
5. you have no sense of humor.
You only use it when you think that what the other person said/wrote was funny
I have seen many people use it even at the end of their own publications.
On a blog I visited recently, I was dismayed when I checked out comments posted and someone had commented thus,
“For us, at that place where i go every morning, meetings always go like that. Thats why we have an in-house shrink! LOL”
When you use it like this fool above, It means one or all of these things,
1. You are a shallow self righteous person who laughs at own not so funny jokes
2. You think the reader is some blond bimbo/ stud and therefore you have to explain to them that what you just said was funny
3. You are insulting the reader’s intelligence
4. You are insulting their integrity.
5. you have no sense of humor.