Saturday Vision Page 29
Museveni update; Europeans and Chinese don’t die, his bathtub does not get cleaned up and will Bishops please stop consoling people?
In a rare show of transparency, Museveni has s decided to open up about some of the things that rile him.
Now, we would have all appreciated it more if he had told us exactly how many more years he intends to rule for, or why he appointed Janet Minister, and does she really own Garden City? How much money does he have on his bank account etc, but I guess anything he decides to unleash, we will be more than happy to hear.
At the burial of V.P’s son (RIP) Museveni was given an opportunity to speak. In his own words, Museveni had never really met Brian the deceased so it is only fair that he talk about well, anyone but the deceased.
In his speech carried by the Red Pepper today, Museveni started by attacking the cause of Brian’s death as reckless over speeding drivers. Now as if we did not already know this, he told us that his own drivers over speed and will not listen to him anymore when he tells them to stop overspeeding. Nobody listens to the president anymore!
Over speeding taken care of, it was time to tell off the pretentious of society. Museveni went on to accuse Bishops of consoling mourners! The audacity! How dare they come to officiate at a funeral and come with words of encouragement and consolation? Who do they think they are?
Apparently the president does not like it when these Bishops say of somebody that has died that “God has called him or her. But I always wonder, why does He only call Africans and not Europeans or Chinese?”
According to him, this is how all bishops should proceed with funeral services
“Dorene’s dead. Not that God called her or anything, she just died. In an accident. Dust to dust…”
Museveni then summoned Gen. Gutti (the commandant at Kabamba where Brian was doing Cadre training) to explain why all the other co-travelers in the same car weren’t as affected (i.e. why did they not die). Would it have made him feel any better had the other occupants of the fateful vehicle perished as well?
Sevo also revealed that State House maids do not scrub the bathtub thoroughly and that is why the other day ‘God had almost called him’ when he slipped in the tub.
Anyway, just wanted to say I enjoyed reading the story that featured this interview. Find it on page 28 Red Pepper November 11, 2009.
Now, we would have all appreciated it more if he had told us exactly how many more years he intends to rule for, or why he appointed Janet Minister, and does she really own Garden City? How much money does he have on his bank account etc, but I guess anything he decides to unleash, we will be more than happy to hear.
At the burial of V.P’s son (RIP) Museveni was given an opportunity to speak. In his own words, Museveni had never really met Brian the deceased so it is only fair that he talk about well, anyone but the deceased.
In his speech carried by the Red Pepper today, Museveni started by attacking the cause of Brian’s death as reckless over speeding drivers. Now as if we did not already know this, he told us that his own drivers over speed and will not listen to him anymore when he tells them to stop overspeeding. Nobody listens to the president anymore!
Over speeding taken care of, it was time to tell off the pretentious of society. Museveni went on to accuse Bishops of consoling mourners! The audacity! How dare they come to officiate at a funeral and come with words of encouragement and consolation? Who do they think they are?
Apparently the president does not like it when these Bishops say of somebody that has died that “God has called him or her. But I always wonder, why does He only call Africans and not Europeans or Chinese?”
According to him, this is how all bishops should proceed with funeral services
“Dorene’s dead. Not that God called her or anything, she just died. In an accident. Dust to dust…”
Museveni then summoned Gen. Gutti (the commandant at Kabamba where Brian was doing Cadre training) to explain why all the other co-travelers in the same car weren’t as affected (i.e. why did they not die). Would it have made him feel any better had the other occupants of the fateful vehicle perished as well?
Sevo also revealed that State House maids do not scrub the bathtub thoroughly and that is why the other day ‘God had almost called him’ when he slipped in the tub.
Anyway, just wanted to say I enjoyed reading the story that featured this interview. Find it on page 28 Red Pepper November 11, 2009.
for BHH absentees
This BHH was boring.
I read all these tales of grandeur about the previous 2 BHHs and I was hoping to see for myself this time. That plus Heaven was really mean to me the last time I did not attend. There was a low turn up. Even those that came fashionably late were awfully early! By 7:30, the few of us who were there were trying desperately hard to come up with conversations that generated more than a ha ha, kyoka you!, yea I love your tattoo, I should have one done myself, except that I won’t sort of responses. It is tough being a BHH attending blogger I tell you. Especially when Cheri is not around or when Lucy has not promised us coverage!
Darlene is high on something I want in on. How else do you explain that she never tired of huggin, huggin, huggin, even the suspiciously smelling bloggers? Speaking of suspiciously smelling, Spartakus, not that I am saying that he is smelly or anything, it is just that suspicious and Spartakus do rhyme. Although to be honest I found it strange that you preferred to squat rather than sit where somebody could take a whiff of you, but stranger things happen. Now, why is Spartakus always marketing something? Project Fame, Poetry recitals, Viagra, NSSF, Quest Net, the presidency, you’re selling it, he will find you the buyer!
Chanel came up in the conversation mostly allegations about her Redpepper escapades but I refused to take part in that conversation coz you know, we used to be friends
Stretsyder is really violent. He greeted me with a whack on the nose, which I thought was so the god’s must be crazy but I said nothing of the sort to him lest now he goes for my neck or something. Having managed to successfully avoid him the whole evening he caught up with me just before I left and he challenged me to arm wrestling. How barbaric is this person?. You can take a boy(yes I said it) off the street…
Gug was there. Or maybe he was not the one. Coz later the gug impersonator left with a chic. Either it was genuinely gug and they were off looking for a shopping mall or it was Hyena come to infiltrate the bogging community. I can already see the headline.
“Hyena hooks bummy blogger and shafts her from behind Café Pap before horny waitress begged for her turn.” Or some such. I am no expert at Hyena.
Roll call: Edge of Innocence rumor has it he was hanging around me a lot, if that is true, I did not notice and can he do better next time? Dusk, brought her full blown madness with her in form of fantastic knee length high heel boots. Darlene the hugger. She has a Chinese tattoo. Sleek and wild who lo and behold is a GUY! I think we shared a moment. Guy, you confirm. Xiona. Nobody could pronounce her name, I doubt she is a blogger. Spartakus, he offered me tickets to project fame. i would like to formally turn them down here. StreetSyder whom I shall forgive for the nose whacking incident only because he has a way with words and I suspect he is always trying to show off at his blog. Solomon King who is the only living blogger that knows who The Emry’s is.Nevender's cousin. Nevender who tried to engage the Gug person in conversation which I thought was endearing.
“So gug, assuming you are gay, how is your boyfriend?”
“Which one, I have many. But they are all fine anyway”
BHH beepers included Dante, who came in to show off his very nice vest and Nathan who used to run a fantastic blog and went by the name Magoo, he did not act as if he was showing off anything really so I guess for him he had good intentions.
I would have loved to see some veterans; Baz, Kissyfur, Tumwi, B2B etc.
I read all these tales of grandeur about the previous 2 BHHs and I was hoping to see for myself this time. That plus Heaven was really mean to me the last time I did not attend. There was a low turn up. Even those that came fashionably late were awfully early! By 7:30, the few of us who were there were trying desperately hard to come up with conversations that generated more than a ha ha, kyoka you!, yea I love your tattoo, I should have one done myself, except that I won’t sort of responses. It is tough being a BHH attending blogger I tell you. Especially when Cheri is not around or when Lucy has not promised us coverage!
Darlene is high on something I want in on. How else do you explain that she never tired of huggin, huggin, huggin, even the suspiciously smelling bloggers? Speaking of suspiciously smelling, Spartakus, not that I am saying that he is smelly or anything, it is just that suspicious and Spartakus do rhyme. Although to be honest I found it strange that you preferred to squat rather than sit where somebody could take a whiff of you, but stranger things happen. Now, why is Spartakus always marketing something? Project Fame, Poetry recitals, Viagra, NSSF, Quest Net, the presidency, you’re selling it, he will find you the buyer!
Chanel came up in the conversation mostly allegations about her Redpepper escapades but I refused to take part in that conversation coz you know, we used to be friends
Stretsyder is really violent. He greeted me with a whack on the nose, which I thought was so the god’s must be crazy but I said nothing of the sort to him lest now he goes for my neck or something. Having managed to successfully avoid him the whole evening he caught up with me just before I left and he challenged me to arm wrestling. How barbaric is this person?. You can take a boy(yes I said it) off the street…
Gug was there. Or maybe he was not the one. Coz later the gug impersonator left with a chic. Either it was genuinely gug and they were off looking for a shopping mall or it was Hyena come to infiltrate the bogging community. I can already see the headline.
“Hyena hooks bummy blogger and shafts her from behind Café Pap before horny waitress begged for her turn.” Or some such. I am no expert at Hyena.
Roll call: Edge of Innocence rumor has it he was hanging around me a lot, if that is true, I did not notice and can he do better next time? Dusk, brought her full blown madness with her in form of fantastic knee length high heel boots. Darlene the hugger. She has a Chinese tattoo. Sleek and wild who lo and behold is a GUY! I think we shared a moment. Guy, you confirm. Xiona. Nobody could pronounce her name, I doubt she is a blogger. Spartakus, he offered me tickets to project fame. i would like to formally turn them down here. StreetSyder whom I shall forgive for the nose whacking incident only because he has a way with words and I suspect he is always trying to show off at his blog. Solomon King who is the only living blogger that knows who The Emry’s is.Nevender's cousin. Nevender who tried to engage the Gug person in conversation which I thought was endearing.
“So gug, assuming you are gay, how is your boyfriend?”
“Which one, I have many. But they are all fine anyway”
BHH beepers included Dante, who came in to show off his very nice vest and Nathan who used to run a fantastic blog and went by the name Magoo, he did not act as if he was showing off anything really so I guess for him he had good intentions.
I would have loved to see some veterans; Baz, Kissyfur, Tumwi, B2B etc.
Beyonce is slutty and the Sanyu breakfast show
Beyonce’s new (?) video ‘ego’ was showing on a music channel the other day when I started in surprise. Why, that thing looked just like ‘put a ring on it,’ why was she using the same video for two different songs? But she wasn’t. Just that in this video too, she was wearing one of those swimsuit costumy things that show off her bajingo and all those other things jay man should have patented when he put a ring on it.
Thing is, Beyonce, you do not have to go naked to be able to shoot music videos. It is getting annoying Bey. Also, please stop blaming your randiness on your alter ego. All I am saying Bey is that you do not have to sell your soul or thighs to make a good music video. Ok, so you are sexy, your curves are fantastically sculptured but get over it already! Although you do look good naked
I was surprised to wake up to Crystal on the Sanyu Breakfast show the other day. Turns out Melanie was not feeling well (they always say that). Anyway, so Crystal bless her, actually hosted a good show! Props to her for doing a mean press review actually breaking down and explaining the implications of the different newspaper items! I thought to myself, that’s just what we need! A brilliant person on morning radio and not just someone that will say ‘hmm’ or ‘oh yeah yeah’ or ‘am like yeah yeah yeah’ or ‘ha ha ha ah’ or’ moving swiftly on, or what else is new’ after they have read the day’s headline. You want to listen to a show that will inspire you, not people who make you feel smarter than you actually are. Kudos Crystal.
A friend of mine was joking (?) the other day that the only thing they say with conviction on the Sanyu breakfast show in when they are announcing the day’s special people.
Thing is, Beyonce, you do not have to go naked to be able to shoot music videos. It is getting annoying Bey. Also, please stop blaming your randiness on your alter ego. All I am saying Bey is that you do not have to sell your soul or thighs to make a good music video. Ok, so you are sexy, your curves are fantastically sculptured but get over it already! Although you do look good naked
I was surprised to wake up to Crystal on the Sanyu Breakfast show the other day. Turns out Melanie was not feeling well (they always say that). Anyway, so Crystal bless her, actually hosted a good show! Props to her for doing a mean press review actually breaking down and explaining the implications of the different newspaper items! I thought to myself, that’s just what we need! A brilliant person on morning radio and not just someone that will say ‘hmm’ or ‘oh yeah yeah’ or ‘am like yeah yeah yeah’ or ‘ha ha ha ah’ or’ moving swiftly on, or what else is new’ after they have read the day’s headline. You want to listen to a show that will inspire you, not people who make you feel smarter than you actually are. Kudos Crystal.
A friend of mine was joking (?) the other day that the only thing they say with conviction on the Sanyu breakfast show in when they are announcing the day’s special people.
Blame it on the weatherman
The President wore his best ‘pained expression’ as he looked around at all the stick thin people around him. “My fellow Africans and indeed good citizens of Somalia; it is unfortunate that this famine is threatening to wipe all of you out. Unfortunate because back home in Uganda, the fields are flourishing…”
“No Mr. President” whispered his most trusted aide who was by now perspiring in shame. “We are actually in Teso. It is a district in Uganda mind you…” at which point the president amended his speech and cut and paste the word Teso where previously was Somalia.
It has been a while since Uganda got associated with severe famine. Sure biting poverty does still rage on but an actual calamity where famine was killing off people like an epidemic has been out of the news for a while.
The famine in Eastern Uganda, Teso to be exact, which has claimed about 35 lives, has taken many of us by surprise. Some of us even first heard of it during the momentary gasps for air as we took a break from stuffing our already bulging stomachs. It is sad and we should be ashamed.
But not as ashamed as Andrew Bageire, Minister of State for Agriculture, and Tarsis Kabwegere, Minister of Relief and Disaster Preparedness who tried to water down this fiasco; Bageire by saying that the people of Teso were paying this heavy price for being lazy spending most of their time drinking ajon (local brew) instead of growing and stockpiling food and Kabwegere by insisting on describing it as a “food shortage” but not famine. (source; Observer)
Bageire also implied that their (Itesot) otherwise avoidable situation was compounded by the unpredictable weather changes because his ministry last month released sh910m to the Teso region for planting materials. His boss the President picked up on this and tried to ride on this as well going a step further to blame the Entebbe meteorological centre. Apparently these guys did not predict the drought. So then he called the guy at the weather center
“Hello? Yea. So then you are the manager of the weather station? ”
"Yes. We expect light showers around the lake Victoria region with sunshine expected at the source of the Nile. The rest of the country will be relatively…"
“Listen to me. I am the president calling. How come you did not predict sunshine and drought in Teso? Now my ministers are here looking foolish…”
"Is that true Mister President? How weird! Only last year there were floods. I never thought that all that water would have dried out by now. “
All this nonsense has not gone down well with the area MPs especially the females who walked out of parliament in protest over the insensitivity of the likes of Bageire and Kabwegere (read men) in reacting to this disaster. Tears rolled down the cheeks of two female MPs Rose Akol [Bukedea] and Akiror Agnes Egunyu [Kumi] in what was a grieving demonstration of the emotional toll of the famine. (SOurce; Daily Monitor)
Some industrious person was seen collecting those tears to go and try to produce food and water from it.
Only last night at 8:00pm in a posh house in Kololo, a frustrated mother is trying to force feed beef to his son who just had a chicken sandwich for an evening snack with a gold spoon. In Teso, a starved rainmaker can be heard over the cries for food asking for five kilos of meat before he can summon the rains.
Note; the writer has done absolutely nothing towards contributing to the famine victims. There is a Help famine victims corner at Garden City that I intend to make good use of after beating myself up in shame.
“No Mr. President” whispered his most trusted aide who was by now perspiring in shame. “We are actually in Teso. It is a district in Uganda mind you…” at which point the president amended his speech and cut and paste the word Teso where previously was Somalia.
It has been a while since Uganda got associated with severe famine. Sure biting poverty does still rage on but an actual calamity where famine was killing off people like an epidemic has been out of the news for a while.
The famine in Eastern Uganda, Teso to be exact, which has claimed about 35 lives, has taken many of us by surprise. Some of us even first heard of it during the momentary gasps for air as we took a break from stuffing our already bulging stomachs. It is sad and we should be ashamed.
But not as ashamed as Andrew Bageire, Minister of State for Agriculture, and Tarsis Kabwegere, Minister of Relief and Disaster Preparedness who tried to water down this fiasco; Bageire by saying that the people of Teso were paying this heavy price for being lazy spending most of their time drinking ajon (local brew) instead of growing and stockpiling food and Kabwegere by insisting on describing it as a “food shortage” but not famine. (source; Observer)
Bageire also implied that their (Itesot) otherwise avoidable situation was compounded by the unpredictable weather changes because his ministry last month released sh910m to the Teso region for planting materials. His boss the President picked up on this and tried to ride on this as well going a step further to blame the Entebbe meteorological centre. Apparently these guys did not predict the drought. So then he called the guy at the weather center
“Hello? Yea. So then you are the manager of the weather station? ”
"Yes. We expect light showers around the lake Victoria region with sunshine expected at the source of the Nile. The rest of the country will be relatively…"
“Listen to me. I am the president calling. How come you did not predict sunshine and drought in Teso? Now my ministers are here looking foolish…”
"Is that true Mister President? How weird! Only last year there were floods. I never thought that all that water would have dried out by now. “
All this nonsense has not gone down well with the area MPs especially the females who walked out of parliament in protest over the insensitivity of the likes of Bageire and Kabwegere (read men) in reacting to this disaster. Tears rolled down the cheeks of two female MPs Rose Akol [Bukedea] and Akiror Agnes Egunyu [Kumi] in what was a grieving demonstration of the emotional toll of the famine. (SOurce; Daily Monitor)
Some industrious person was seen collecting those tears to go and try to produce food and water from it.
Only last night at 8:00pm in a posh house in Kololo, a frustrated mother is trying to force feed beef to his son who just had a chicken sandwich for an evening snack with a gold spoon. In Teso, a starved rainmaker can be heard over the cries for food asking for five kilos of meat before he can summon the rains.
Note; the writer has done absolutely nothing towards contributing to the famine victims. There is a Help famine victims corner at Garden City that I intend to make good use of after beating myself up in shame.
Get thee behind me Set Anne;
It had taken all my resolve not to write this one but shit, I realized that my resolve was best suited in other more important tasks. So I have sent my resolve on an errand to go and figure out a way to not kill my boss.
Life throws you lemons, you make lemonade but they never quite tell you from whence to get the sugar and the water. Life throws a negative person at you, it just never equips you with the weapons to finish them off without being caught. And so, miss thing still lives. Why do I want to kill her? Because she is too damn negative she would suck the green out of any cactus plant. She has just about sucked the life out of me!
I shall start at the beginning. The first time I ever interacted with Miss Thing as we shall refer to my subject, please feel free to insert name of choice- Anyway, so Miss Thing and I first interacted at a social gathering, and within minutes had realized that her favorite subject was herself so I gave up trying to bring up my new cookery class. My boyfriend joined us shortly and in the next five words, she had managed to insult him. How does she do that? Now, it was all I could do not to flex my Mukiga muscles and throw a punch her way. But then I figured, she has known him longer maybe that is exactly the way they relate. I mean, what she had said might have in fact been true, so who was I to fight boyfie’s battles?
That was the day I decided I was going to try not be around Miss Thing. Not that life was going to sit around and let that happen!
Later, life saw to it that Miss Thing and I were thrown at the same place at the same time. That day, I was rocking my new silver bra feeling all rich and shit, what with me wearing minerals as support for my hooters. So she says to me;
“Hi, why are you wearing a silver bra?”
And I thought; slap her, bitch slap her, or slap the shit out of that stick she has on high up her butt?
Instead, I must have smiled and made a lame excuse about how gold prices had gone high so all I could afford was the lesser mineral.
Two weeks ago, I had the displeasure of meeting with watsherface Miss Thing. After sharing an unexpected hug, she says,
“HI. What is wrong with your hair? Don’t you have a comb?”
And there she was again. Why must she spoil it for everybody? Miss thing, everything is not always perfect because you say so. It is most definitely not your duty to point out the flaws in other people to their faces, especially if they are not your friends. You just do not have the right. Also, try find something positive to say even if the story is not featuring you. But if you must know Miss Thing, I have 7 combs, each a different shade and er, feel. I comb my hair once a day and it is not my fault it does not always stay in place.
I also should have bitch slapped you. Sassed you. Or rebuked you. Instead I smiled and said something in response to your frigging, annoying intrusive query. I am polite that way.
You are killing me Miss!
Life throws you lemons, you make lemonade but they never quite tell you from whence to get the sugar and the water. Life throws a negative person at you, it just never equips you with the weapons to finish them off without being caught. And so, miss thing still lives. Why do I want to kill her? Because she is too damn negative she would suck the green out of any cactus plant. She has just about sucked the life out of me!
I shall start at the beginning. The first time I ever interacted with Miss Thing as we shall refer to my subject, please feel free to insert name of choice- Anyway, so Miss Thing and I first interacted at a social gathering, and within minutes had realized that her favorite subject was herself so I gave up trying to bring up my new cookery class. My boyfriend joined us shortly and in the next five words, she had managed to insult him. How does she do that? Now, it was all I could do not to flex my Mukiga muscles and throw a punch her way. But then I figured, she has known him longer maybe that is exactly the way they relate. I mean, what she had said might have in fact been true, so who was I to fight boyfie’s battles?
That was the day I decided I was going to try not be around Miss Thing. Not that life was going to sit around and let that happen!
Later, life saw to it that Miss Thing and I were thrown at the same place at the same time. That day, I was rocking my new silver bra feeling all rich and shit, what with me wearing minerals as support for my hooters. So she says to me;
“Hi, why are you wearing a silver bra?”
And I thought; slap her, bitch slap her, or slap the shit out of that stick she has on high up her butt?
Instead, I must have smiled and made a lame excuse about how gold prices had gone high so all I could afford was the lesser mineral.
Two weeks ago, I had the displeasure of meeting with watsherface Miss Thing. After sharing an unexpected hug, she says,
“HI. What is wrong with your hair? Don’t you have a comb?”
And there she was again. Why must she spoil it for everybody? Miss thing, everything is not always perfect because you say so. It is most definitely not your duty to point out the flaws in other people to their faces, especially if they are not your friends. You just do not have the right. Also, try find something positive to say even if the story is not featuring you. But if you must know Miss Thing, I have 7 combs, each a different shade and er, feel. I comb my hair once a day and it is not my fault it does not always stay in place.
I also should have bitch slapped you. Sassed you. Or rebuked you. Instead I smiled and said something in response to your frigging, annoying intrusive query. I am polite that way.
You are killing me Miss!
BHH, BHH snobbing, Bloggers snobbing BHH, Snobbery amongst bloggers, snobbery in general, one muzungu and a rasta
That pretty much sums up what happened at BHH yesterday.You people, why are u all friggin snobbing BHH? Rebbecca mus be turning in her grave seeing all of you stuck up snobs snubbing her show. Whooooops! Somebody just whispered that Rebecca is indeed still very much alive and can I please stop writing people’s Orbits before doing my research. Well anyway, the thing is that the turn up at BHH gets appalling by the month.
The show’s supposed to start at 6pm but when I arrived at 8pm to make my grand entrance, I was shocked to find that I would be on the welcoming committee instead with Ivan, Daniel and good ol Erique looking every bit the mean person he truly is. Nuh, on the real tho, that angelic smile he wears makes you almost want to be friends with him.
Anyway, as is always the case when a newbie meets me, shock and awe emotions were emitted yesterday. According to Daniel, of streetsyder Antipop was not at all what he expected!
"I expected somebody beautiful”
At which point I said, huh? Wondering whether I had indeed heard correctly. Then he made amends thus
"You know, I thought she’d look like what she writes like. You know, tall, slender, hot, stylish…"
I was torn between burying my head in shame and well, burying my whole body in shame. He seemed like a nice fellow though
Ivan stole my money. Even Dante. But Dante gave it back, Ivan donated some of it to a street child which might have been a sweet gesture had he not robbed from me.
The Muzungu and Rev joined us later and the rest of my evening was spent chatting to and trying to understand what Detamble the muzungu in question was really saying. It is tough being an African I tell ya.
I hear Solomon King dropped by. And sleek. I would like to say they were fun and smart and etc but I lost my mojo for telling lies. Must be those honest scrap thingies going around.
Dusk was a pleasant sight when she waltzed in towering over me in her fancy heels and all making me feel short even when I know better. Was lovely seeing you girl.
What happened to the rest of y’all? Why are u guys constantly absconding from BHH? Anybody has any ideas on how we can get the numbers up? Prizes maybe?
The show’s supposed to start at 6pm but when I arrived at 8pm to make my grand entrance, I was shocked to find that I would be on the welcoming committee instead with Ivan, Daniel and good ol Erique looking every bit the mean person he truly is. Nuh, on the real tho, that angelic smile he wears makes you almost want to be friends with him.
Anyway, as is always the case when a newbie meets me, shock and awe emotions were emitted yesterday. According to Daniel, of streetsyder Antipop was not at all what he expected!
"I expected somebody beautiful”
At which point I said, huh? Wondering whether I had indeed heard correctly. Then he made amends thus
"You know, I thought she’d look like what she writes like. You know, tall, slender, hot, stylish…"
I was torn between burying my head in shame and well, burying my whole body in shame. He seemed like a nice fellow though
Ivan stole my money. Even Dante. But Dante gave it back, Ivan donated some of it to a street child which might have been a sweet gesture had he not robbed from me.
The Muzungu and Rev joined us later and the rest of my evening was spent chatting to and trying to understand what Detamble the muzungu in question was really saying. It is tough being an African I tell ya.
I hear Solomon King dropped by. And sleek. I would like to say they were fun and smart and etc but I lost my mojo for telling lies. Must be those honest scrap thingies going around.
Dusk was a pleasant sight when she waltzed in towering over me in her fancy heels and all making me feel short even when I know better. Was lovely seeing you girl.
What happened to the rest of y’all? Why are u guys constantly absconding from BHH? Anybody has any ideas on how we can get the numbers up? Prizes maybe?
So this Erique thing
So anyway, after Erique and the internet babe had been chatting incessantly on the internets, he decided he could not wait to meet with her, and asked her out on a lunch date. On the day of the date, Erique dressed to impress and our Paparazzi was there to get the shots.
The place where Erique directed internet babe to find him for the lunch date.
Erique striking his best 50cent pose for our snappers in a bid to impress D no end
That is Erique looking nervous not quite sure what to say now he has met internet babe
Erique excusing himself to go before he pees his pants on realising that internet babe is actually hotter than in his wildest dreams. And he does have wild dreams. Behind him is our other snoop who has been masquerading as a receptionist at Erique's workplace for the duration of this assignment. She reported that she had never seen Erique as jittery as he has been lately.
Right after the romantic lunch that was made up of Kikomando and mineral water in Kaveera for kikumi. As you can see in that picture, he can't wait to wrap up the interview to go and relieve Kikomando logged intestines.
And this is internet babe
We wish Erique all the happiness in his impending nuptials. Over to you Erique
The place where Erique directed internet babe to find him for the lunch date.
Erique striking his best 50cent pose for our snappers in a bid to impress D no end
That is Erique looking nervous not quite sure what to say now he has met internet babe
Erique excusing himself to go before he pees his pants on realising that internet babe is actually hotter than in his wildest dreams. And he does have wild dreams. Behind him is our other snoop who has been masquerading as a receptionist at Erique's workplace for the duration of this assignment. She reported that she had never seen Erique as jittery as he has been lately.
Right after the romantic lunch that was made up of Kikomando and mineral water in Kaveera for kikumi. As you can see in that picture, he can't wait to wrap up the interview to go and relieve Kikomando logged intestines.
And this is internet babeWe wish Erique all the happiness in his impending nuptials. Over to you Erique
Erique hooks internet babe
Erique hooks internet babe
News reaching our desk is that Erique (of rentedmess) has been cavorting with a hot internet chic only identified as D. The lady in question has even changed er Facebook Relationship status from "Its complicated" to "Over the moon, I have finally found somebody to marry me."
We hear an internet bun is already in the oven and that Erique is a mess over the usually joyful news. We wish their cyber marriage nothing but the best
Keep your eyes open for more juicy revelations
This news comes courtesy of Your friends at Tabloid.com
News reaching our desk is that Erique (of rentedmess) has been cavorting with a hot internet chic only identified as D. The lady in question has even changed er Facebook Relationship status from "Its complicated" to "Over the moon, I have finally found somebody to marry me."
We hear an internet bun is already in the oven and that Erique is a mess over the usually joyful news. We wish their cyber marriage nothing but the best
Keep your eyes open for more juicy revelations
This news comes courtesy of Your friends at Tabloid.com
Museveni retains IGG Mwonda
When Justice Faith Mwondha was growing up, she never dreamed that she would be IGG. Not even when she was filling those career guidance forms at A’level. Now that she thinks about it, she should never have circled those chemistry objective type questions using the pinky pinky ponky method. Maybe then she would have been an aging chemist holed up in a food factory somewhere being majorly ignored by the world.
Mwonda is coming under attack by The Parliamentary Appointments Committee for failing to appear before them for scrutiny. You see, Ms Mwonda snubbed a scheduled appearance before Parliaments Appointments Committee on April 1st 2009 and who can blame her? She had received those summons while watching her favorite show on MTV (Yea. That second salary she had been earning from the Justice sector had come in handy when she had wanted that DSTV dish). And then it hit her. April 1st? Isn’t that fools day? She thought as she consulted her calendar to find that indeed if she risked going to parliament, instead of a vetting committee, she would be accosted by Ashton Kutcher and his film Crew. That boy Ashton can be humorless sometimes!
If today’s Daily Monitor is to be believed then Mwondha can sleep well tonight assured that indeed she did the right thing to opt for a career of toying with people’s feelings than toying with the Bunsen banner. But you cannot always believe Monitor. It is responsible for Besigye’s unwavering hope.
Those who do not know what I am talking about, apparently the President has reappointed Mwondha IGG, even if his trusted MPs did not think it was the right thing to do. But what do they know? They have no vision. Of course this appointment does not go down well with the speaker Edward Ssekandi who had already started organizing her farewell party. Her and her staff. The invitation card to the IGG staff read;
You are cordially invited to your surprise farewell party…
“We are leaving? I didn’t know that! “
“That is the surprise…”
Sekandi is already on his way to Nkurumah Road to cancel the order for the cards.
This procedes events of the past month where the Parliamentary vetting committee, made up of NRM stooges reasoned that one of them a one Mwondha was not fit for the position of IGG I bet on grounds that she had been responsible for sending their other colleagues to jail. Mwondha in her term of office has seen three NRM ministers Jim Muwhezi, Mike Mukula and Dr. Alex Kamugisha dropped from the cabinet and prosecuted over corruption. Even if the most that came out of this was that they spent a few uncomfortable nights in jail.
With her dismissal, the ministers were already envisioning bigger salaries and inflated allowances, while the rest of them were not listening to this debate and were updating their Facebook status on their new Black Berries.
Not that Mwondha was in any way moved by these threats. The outspoken woman said she would not quit unless she was ordered to do so by President Museveni or God. Remind me to ask her some time whether God does really have that long white Beard. Are there really no shavers in heaven??
Meanwhile Mwondha’s deputy Raphael Baku has been sent on leave until further notice. Somebody had to pay the price.
PS. In this story, Daily Monitor Keeps quoting “Highly placed sources who did not want to be named coz of the sensitivity of the matter… “Seriously Monitor has got to find another way of calling its moles.
Mwonda is coming under attack by The Parliamentary Appointments Committee for failing to appear before them for scrutiny. You see, Ms Mwonda snubbed a scheduled appearance before Parliaments Appointments Committee on April 1st 2009 and who can blame her? She had received those summons while watching her favorite show on MTV (Yea. That second salary she had been earning from the Justice sector had come in handy when she had wanted that DSTV dish). And then it hit her. April 1st? Isn’t that fools day? She thought as she consulted her calendar to find that indeed if she risked going to parliament, instead of a vetting committee, she would be accosted by Ashton Kutcher and his film Crew. That boy Ashton can be humorless sometimes!
If today’s Daily Monitor is to be believed then Mwondha can sleep well tonight assured that indeed she did the right thing to opt for a career of toying with people’s feelings than toying with the Bunsen banner. But you cannot always believe Monitor. It is responsible for Besigye’s unwavering hope.
Those who do not know what I am talking about, apparently the President has reappointed Mwondha IGG, even if his trusted MPs did not think it was the right thing to do. But what do they know? They have no vision. Of course this appointment does not go down well with the speaker Edward Ssekandi who had already started organizing her farewell party. Her and her staff. The invitation card to the IGG staff read;
You are cordially invited to your surprise farewell party…
“We are leaving? I didn’t know that! “
“That is the surprise…”
Sekandi is already on his way to Nkurumah Road to cancel the order for the cards.
This procedes events of the past month where the Parliamentary vetting committee, made up of NRM stooges reasoned that one of them a one Mwondha was not fit for the position of IGG I bet on grounds that she had been responsible for sending their other colleagues to jail. Mwondha in her term of office has seen three NRM ministers Jim Muwhezi, Mike Mukula and Dr. Alex Kamugisha dropped from the cabinet and prosecuted over corruption. Even if the most that came out of this was that they spent a few uncomfortable nights in jail.
With her dismissal, the ministers were already envisioning bigger salaries and inflated allowances, while the rest of them were not listening to this debate and were updating their Facebook status on their new Black Berries.
Not that Mwondha was in any way moved by these threats. The outspoken woman said she would not quit unless she was ordered to do so by President Museveni or God. Remind me to ask her some time whether God does really have that long white Beard. Are there really no shavers in heaven??
Meanwhile Mwondha’s deputy Raphael Baku has been sent on leave until further notice. Somebody had to pay the price.
PS. In this story, Daily Monitor Keeps quoting “Highly placed sources who did not want to be named coz of the sensitivity of the matter… “Seriously Monitor has got to find another way of calling its moles.
Use medicines sparingly
That shocking headline in the Daily Monitor yesterday stopped Ms Amy Winehouse in her tracks as she was about to sniff a line of cocaine. She split it into 3 neat lines for breakfast, lunch and supper. She had been meaning to cut down anyway. Dr. House did not bother with the details of the story as he set about finding more cunning ways of sneaking more Vicodine out of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital without Cuddy noticing.
The truth is though, those two people could not be bothered because The director General of Health services in Uganda Dr. Sam Zaramba has urged Ugandans to use available medicines sparingly to save the country from a possible drug hitch. According to him, the Country has been experiencing a shortage of anti Tuberculosis drugs. This has forced Uganda to borrow drugs from neighboring Kenya . I can see how this one played out;
Hello Mr. Kamau? It is me Sam. How are you at this juncture and how is Nyambura? Glad to hear u guys finally managed to cross the River between. We were all holding our breaths for you…
Now, do you think you can get us some few panadols? You see Mama Musoke and the baby girl are with Malaria. And I suspect you have also heard about Museveni’s finger. So we could use all the Panadol you can lay your hands on. Scratch that. Just send over one dosage and we shall split it equally between the three just fine. Right. Right. Uh huh, uh huh, Yea, Mrs. Kibaki won’t let you? Okay then. Glad we caught up. Gotta go. I have Mr. Nyerere on the other line now…
Meanwhile mother of three in Sembabule whose eldest child is about to swallow medicine suddenly screams out; I warn you junior. Stop arguing with me. From today on it is 2x2, then at night we can always just put a damp cloth on your forehead to make up for the other 2 tabs. You see, we are trying to save the rest for when Joan gets ill, okay?
But let us get to the big picture here. Large men in their large jackets and briefcases are stealing money that is meant to buy enough drugs to sustain the country for a period of time, and yet they roam the streets in their expensive cars while we sit and watch helplessly.
Dr Zaramba says the shortage is due to delays within the Global Fund in Geneva to remit funds. And who can blame those guys in Geneva? Last year, then minister of health Jim Muwhezi, his deputy Mike Mukula and Alex Kamugisha were charged with embezzlement and misuse of up to $1.63 million(and counting) from a gift of $3.86 million to the Health Ministry from the Global Alliance for Vaccines and Immunization.
Teddy Ssezi Cheeye, the director of economic affairs at the Internal Security Organization, was recently arrested and charged with embezzlement of Shs120 million worth of Global Fund money. If a dose of anti-malarials is about Shs. 12,000-14,000, you do the maths.
While these four go to sleep in luxury security fenced mansions where mosquitoes and disease causing germs and viruses are electrocuted at the wire fence to ensure that they do not need drugs, children in the North get infected with Polio.
In another part of the world, Pink does not agree that pills are all that important anyway. See, according to her, they keep making her ill. When the drugs are finished good, I guess that’s the message Dr Sam will be putting out to the public. Pills are bad. Instead of making you better, they keep making you ill. You heard?
The truth is though, those two people could not be bothered because The director General of Health services in Uganda Dr. Sam Zaramba has urged Ugandans to use available medicines sparingly to save the country from a possible drug hitch. According to him, the Country has been experiencing a shortage of anti Tuberculosis drugs. This has forced Uganda to borrow drugs from neighboring Kenya . I can see how this one played out;
Hello Mr. Kamau? It is me Sam. How are you at this juncture and how is Nyambura? Glad to hear u guys finally managed to cross the River between. We were all holding our breaths for you…
Now, do you think you can get us some few panadols? You see Mama Musoke and the baby girl are with Malaria. And I suspect you have also heard about Museveni’s finger. So we could use all the Panadol you can lay your hands on. Scratch that. Just send over one dosage and we shall split it equally between the three just fine. Right. Right. Uh huh, uh huh, Yea, Mrs. Kibaki won’t let you? Okay then. Glad we caught up. Gotta go. I have Mr. Nyerere on the other line now…
Meanwhile mother of three in Sembabule whose eldest child is about to swallow medicine suddenly screams out; I warn you junior. Stop arguing with me. From today on it is 2x2, then at night we can always just put a damp cloth on your forehead to make up for the other 2 tabs. You see, we are trying to save the rest for when Joan gets ill, okay?
But let us get to the big picture here. Large men in their large jackets and briefcases are stealing money that is meant to buy enough drugs to sustain the country for a period of time, and yet they roam the streets in their expensive cars while we sit and watch helplessly.
Dr Zaramba says the shortage is due to delays within the Global Fund in Geneva to remit funds. And who can blame those guys in Geneva? Last year, then minister of health Jim Muwhezi, his deputy Mike Mukula and Alex Kamugisha were charged with embezzlement and misuse of up to $1.63 million(and counting) from a gift of $3.86 million to the Health Ministry from the Global Alliance for Vaccines and Immunization.
Teddy Ssezi Cheeye, the director of economic affairs at the Internal Security Organization, was recently arrested and charged with embezzlement of Shs120 million worth of Global Fund money. If a dose of anti-malarials is about Shs. 12,000-14,000, you do the maths.
While these four go to sleep in luxury security fenced mansions where mosquitoes and disease causing germs and viruses are electrocuted at the wire fence to ensure that they do not need drugs, children in the North get infected with Polio.
In another part of the world, Pink does not agree that pills are all that important anyway. See, according to her, they keep making her ill. When the drugs are finished good, I guess that’s the message Dr Sam will be putting out to the public. Pills are bad. Instead of making you better, they keep making you ill. You heard?
Pr. Sempa Vs Redpepper; The court case
The facts
That Pr. Sempa took Redpepper to court advocating for court to ban publication of said newspaper citing pornographic content that entices people into crime and immorality when they read it.
That Pr. Sempa had two kids out of wedlock before he married his current wife
That Redpepper is an awesome newspaper which I read from cover to cover every day.
Here below are the court proceedings
Red Pepper Lawyers: Mr. Sempa, can you honestly say that when you read the Redpepper your morals are degenerated and in fact you are enticed into wrongdoing?
Pr. Sempa: Yes. It is especially responsible for degenerating morals amongst the youths.
Red Pepper: Tell us Mr. Sempa, is Redpepper the only newspaper you read?
Pr. Sempa: No. I also read The monitor, New vision, Bukkedde and The Observer
Redpepper lawyer whips out a copy of Monitor with headline “Ministers embezzle millions”
Tell us, does this headline make you want to steal money?
Pr. Sempa: No
Lawyer whips out Bukkedde with headline “Amusse”
Does this headline make you want to commit murder?
Pr Sempa: No
New vision here has a headline that says "Car theft on the rise"
Tell the court Pastor, does this make you want to steal Vehicles?
Pr Sempa: No
Lawyer shows him a copy of Redpepper that reads, “Sexpest invades Kampala”
Lawyer: so this makes you want to go out and have sex?
Pr Sempa: Yes
Oh, Okay. But tell us the Pastor; were you a virgin when you married your present wife? Did you not in fact father two children with two different women before marriage? Could it therefore be that You are the one with the problem Pastor?
And like that, Redpepper still lives among us
Bishops reject stolen money
The problem of corruption in Uganda has gotten to a point where religious intervention was needed. After vigorous investigation, it was revealed that stolen money eventually ends up at church. As you can imagine, top religious leaders were not happy about this trend of events. So then they decided to meet and put an end to this thing they say they were greatly saddened by.
Archbishops Cyprian Kizito Lwanga (Catholics), Henry Luke Orombi (Protestants), and Metropolitan Jonah Lwanga (orthodox) met over tea and buns at Namirembe Guest House where Orombi showed off the view of the city and passed it off as his own. Not that they believed him or anything. Needless to say, Balaggade sekadde was not invited to this particular meet. Just before he popped the mouthwatering bun in his mouth, Cyprian made the sign of the cross, Orombi bowed his head to pray, and Metropolitan just looked on not quite sure what the fuss was all about. Just eat the damn buns already, he almost screamed.
“Right, we are gathered here today in the presence of …” started Cyprian
“What? Why? When? Whence? What if? Who…” interjected Orombi protesting only because, well, he had to.
Metropolitan kept quiet not wanting to say anything because he has always been ignored by these two anyway.
There was a lot of back and forth until they all eventually agreed that they should put out a statement saying they strongly condone Christians from giving stolen money as offertory. No word on whether they should stop stealing it however. Brethren have to eat.
Meanwhile their counterparts at the Pentecostal churches were in talks with major banks ordering for more ATMs to be fixed at their churches, and then later headed to JapaneseMotors.com to find out what Hammers were going for these days.
The first victim to fall prey to the new crackdown was Jim Muwhezi and none was as shocked as him to see two plain clothed Soldiers for Christ Mamba escorting him out of All saints Cathedral after depositing a large brown envelope of money into the collection bag.
In the interrogation room later, one of them said to a sweating Jim, “So Jimmy, a close source tells us that your money has the smell of ARV’s, Anti-malarials and TB drugs that never were…” No news on what will happen to the brown envelope. Sources say that the Clergy will pray, fast and bless the money and then it shall not smell stolen any more.
When news of this reached Rubaga Cathedral, Cyprian then made a quick telephone call to Don Corleone’s nephew at the Vatican and warned him of the crackdown saying that money given to him directly by the godfather was not acceptable, unless of course he sent it through MTN mobile money.
The Metropolitan instantly went back to dozing at his desk. Nobody ever gave offertory at his church anymore.
Archbishops Cyprian Kizito Lwanga (Catholics), Henry Luke Orombi (Protestants), and Metropolitan Jonah Lwanga (orthodox) met over tea and buns at Namirembe Guest House where Orombi showed off the view of the city and passed it off as his own. Not that they believed him or anything. Needless to say, Balaggade sekadde was not invited to this particular meet. Just before he popped the mouthwatering bun in his mouth, Cyprian made the sign of the cross, Orombi bowed his head to pray, and Metropolitan just looked on not quite sure what the fuss was all about. Just eat the damn buns already, he almost screamed.
“Right, we are gathered here today in the presence of …” started Cyprian
“What? Why? When? Whence? What if? Who…” interjected Orombi protesting only because, well, he had to.
Metropolitan kept quiet not wanting to say anything because he has always been ignored by these two anyway.
There was a lot of back and forth until they all eventually agreed that they should put out a statement saying they strongly condone Christians from giving stolen money as offertory. No word on whether they should stop stealing it however. Brethren have to eat.
Meanwhile their counterparts at the Pentecostal churches were in talks with major banks ordering for more ATMs to be fixed at their churches, and then later headed to JapaneseMotors.com to find out what Hammers were going for these days.
The first victim to fall prey to the new crackdown was Jim Muwhezi and none was as shocked as him to see two plain clothed Soldiers for Christ Mamba escorting him out of All saints Cathedral after depositing a large brown envelope of money into the collection bag.
In the interrogation room later, one of them said to a sweating Jim, “So Jimmy, a close source tells us that your money has the smell of ARV’s, Anti-malarials and TB drugs that never were…” No news on what will happen to the brown envelope. Sources say that the Clergy will pray, fast and bless the money and then it shall not smell stolen any more.
When news of this reached Rubaga Cathedral, Cyprian then made a quick telephone call to Don Corleone’s nephew at the Vatican and warned him of the crackdown saying that money given to him directly by the godfather was not acceptable, unless of course he sent it through MTN mobile money.
The Metropolitan instantly went back to dozing at his desk. Nobody ever gave offertory at his church anymore.
You are not what you eat
...You re what you leave the ATM booth smelling of....
Moral of this one is; Be careful who are following in line at the ATM. Sniff them first for hecksake!
Moral of this one is; Be careful who are following in line at the ATM. Sniff them first for hecksake!
Who shall tell the president?
The president was in a panic this morning and quickly sent for his medical team to put his mind at ease. You see, he had had a very bad premonition that a certain newspaper(I use that word ever so sparingly in this case) had claimed that he was sick and dying as evidenced by his sausage finger. Or he had dreamt it. He could not be quite sure. Although, it was not a premonition really. It is just that the dear president had opened his eyes just in time to catch the press guy swapping today’s front page of Redpepper with yesterday’s copy. A priest caught bonking a married wife was a safer bet than “Museveni is Sick.” What religious leaders got up to was not top of the agenda today, unless of course it was Patience. So anyway, he sent for his medical team, who ran tests on his finger and changed his band aid and pronounced him good to go for another 20 years. Or so.
I read the story and thought again that journalists must be the luckiest bunch of people. They write stories, and early morning, in the safety of their swinging chairs pull out their binoculars and scan the impact of their foray. From their headquarters in Namanve, Redpepper mounted their chairs at the rooftop and proceeded to see how everybody was headed up to statehouse to pay their condolences. They were shocked that only Janet had rushed up to state house from her station In Gulu to pay her respects. She was also turned away at the gate and told that the president had a case of the manicure gone wrong, nothing a band aid would not fix. Like that, she turned around and went back to playing Messiah in Karamoja.
Disappointed that their headline did not cause mass impact, Redpepper vultures went back to Seeta bar and Inn, where they ordered for the cheapest gin and proceeded to coin the next day’s story. And headline.
Meanwhile in state house, the president went about his duties, and other political cartoonists scratched their heads trying to figure out how to spin the whole thing. After piles and piles of drafts and baskets full of waste paper, Ras decided to go back to drawing dogs, cows, goats, and ants with massive balls.
I post today coz even I have become embarrassed by the image I am met with when I open this here page
Nominate a blogger to attend a G20Voice Project. Go here for details; http://www.awid.org/eng/Women-in-Action/Calls-for-Participation2/Call-for-Nominations-Bloggerst-at-the-G20!
I read the story and thought again that journalists must be the luckiest bunch of people. They write stories, and early morning, in the safety of their swinging chairs pull out their binoculars and scan the impact of their foray. From their headquarters in Namanve, Redpepper mounted their chairs at the rooftop and proceeded to see how everybody was headed up to statehouse to pay their condolences. They were shocked that only Janet had rushed up to state house from her station In Gulu to pay her respects. She was also turned away at the gate and told that the president had a case of the manicure gone wrong, nothing a band aid would not fix. Like that, she turned around and went back to playing Messiah in Karamoja.
Disappointed that their headline did not cause mass impact, Redpepper vultures went back to Seeta bar and Inn, where they ordered for the cheapest gin and proceeded to coin the next day’s story. And headline.
Meanwhile in state house, the president went about his duties, and other political cartoonists scratched their heads trying to figure out how to spin the whole thing. After piles and piles of drafts and baskets full of waste paper, Ras decided to go back to drawing dogs, cows, goats, and ants with massive balls.
I post today coz even I have become embarrassed by the image I am met with when I open this here page
Nominate a blogger to attend a G20Voice Project. Go here for details; http://www.awid.org/eng/Women-in-Action/Calls-for-Participation2/Call-for-Nominations-Bloggerst-at-the-G20!
open at your own peril
I have never seen any under 18's here at this blog so i will go ahead and post this. Please note, that this is not meant to be offensive in any way, it is just meant to be funny.Me, i laughed and i thought i'd share. Have a laugh or burst. Nobody gimme any of that pompous, righteous, prudent BS.
Bye y'all
Bye y'all
on the raod
I have had the most unproductive day of my adult life. We (these guys that are blessed to be sharing an office with me and I) only just recently moved and today was my first day at the new office. There is no internet. The place reeks of fresh paint. The food is crappy. It is mighty cold. And it is in the middle of nowhere. Erique threatened that if I did not come up with a post last week he would er, post something mean about me. I dared him to, and he failed to act on his threat. Chicken!
Speaking of last week, Friday evening on my way home, I witnessed an accident. At the Nakawa stage. It sort of messed up my rather nice evening. Not in the sense that it was an inconvenience but in the sense that it was a rather disturbing scenario. I was seated in the taxi waiting for it to fill up when I heard the most terrifying scream I ever heard. Just one scream. And silence. Then commotion. A man was down, possibly dead. A taxi speeding from Kireka direction had just ended a man’s life and sped off into the night. If you are familiar with the Nakawa stage, you will know that that is a high traffic area. Both human and motor traffic, so one has no business driving over 10km/h on that road, especially not in the evening frenzy.
Two strange things happened.
1. That as fate would have it, a police patrol car was driving in the opposite direction at that very instant. How oft does that happen?
2. That the patrol car just turned round and chased after the killer taxi, never once stopping to dispatch at least one officer to attend to the accident victim.
3. There was a third. That instead of helping the guy, people just started ransacking the victim’s pockets for loot.
4. I just watched on from the safety of the back seat in the taxi, door tightly shut, clutching my purse ever so tightly, still trying to take it all in.
There have been countless senseless road accidents like those that have claimed even more lives. Now, jiggers will kill two people and it will be all the newspapers are talking about yet ignoring road accident death stats of over a hundred people that die in such road accidents per month(silverbow, try insert the accurate stats here). Have accidents become so common that we have grown to be so immune to them like that? As if when another death occurs on the road, airbags pop up in our heads that protect us from the trauma and reality of it all. Somewhere, an air headed politician sits in the comfort of his air conditioned land cruiser as it glides along the smooth tarmac of Kololo trying to coin the most amazing theory on what causes Road accidents. And in a flash it hits him. Mini-skirts!
RIP stranger.
It is cuss free week this week Erique.
Princess deleted her blog?
Speaking of last week, Friday evening on my way home, I witnessed an accident. At the Nakawa stage. It sort of messed up my rather nice evening. Not in the sense that it was an inconvenience but in the sense that it was a rather disturbing scenario. I was seated in the taxi waiting for it to fill up when I heard the most terrifying scream I ever heard. Just one scream. And silence. Then commotion. A man was down, possibly dead. A taxi speeding from Kireka direction had just ended a man’s life and sped off into the night. If you are familiar with the Nakawa stage, you will know that that is a high traffic area. Both human and motor traffic, so one has no business driving over 10km/h on that road, especially not in the evening frenzy.
Two strange things happened.
1. That as fate would have it, a police patrol car was driving in the opposite direction at that very instant. How oft does that happen?
2. That the patrol car just turned round and chased after the killer taxi, never once stopping to dispatch at least one officer to attend to the accident victim.
3. There was a third. That instead of helping the guy, people just started ransacking the victim’s pockets for loot.
4. I just watched on from the safety of the back seat in the taxi, door tightly shut, clutching my purse ever so tightly, still trying to take it all in.
There have been countless senseless road accidents like those that have claimed even more lives. Now, jiggers will kill two people and it will be all the newspapers are talking about yet ignoring road accident death stats of over a hundred people that die in such road accidents per month(silverbow, try insert the accurate stats here). Have accidents become so common that we have grown to be so immune to them like that? As if when another death occurs on the road, airbags pop up in our heads that protect us from the trauma and reality of it all. Somewhere, an air headed politician sits in the comfort of his air conditioned land cruiser as it glides along the smooth tarmac of Kololo trying to coin the most amazing theory on what causes Road accidents. And in a flash it hits him. Mini-skirts!
RIP stranger.
It is cuss free week this week Erique.
Princess deleted her blog?
Move B****, Get out the way!
I have started and not completed over 4 posts in the last two weeks since I last posted but was never able to complete them coz my job could not allow me the time. I have recently come to the conclusion that I hate my job. And not only because I cannot read/write blogs any more. I deliberately missed this particular course on campus because I did not want to get bogged down with eternal butt kissing, but here I am at it. You might say that I sold my soul.
Of course I have been reading all your blogs, but not commenting as much except where it was absolutely impossible for me not to say anything!
I have of course gone through things during this whole time. I still can’t ride a bicycle but I can assure you that when it comes to eating raw pork at Kyadondo, I find that I excel greatly. Seeing as I do not excel at many other things, I am really happy with that achievement. No. I already have enough gold stars so don’t stress. And other things have gone on since last I posted. A guy I know went and gave his wife a ministerial post. No really. The president did. I keep thinking what his last thought was just before he slotted Janet’s name on the dotted line. God I hope Ugandan’s do not see this as nepotism. Of’ course not. ‘MY’ people would never think evil thoughts like those about me. No. by now Ugandans are so used to this sort of thing and nothing I do can surprise them anymore. In fact, I do not expect anybody to raise dust about this appointment at all. Ugandans dig me. And with that last thought, he flicked his parker pen and wrote;
State minister in charge of Karamoja; Sweetheart.
I have been wondering how he got to this conclusion and I figure, it could have gone one of these three ways. Take your pick.
Conversations with the Mistress
Darling, we have talked about this before, but I do not see you doing anything about it. When will she get out of the way? Are you even ever going to leave her? Now, now my love, do not stress your beautiful behind over it. I have a few plans in my mind. Really? Does that mean you are going to do a Kiyingyi on her? No. not that darling. But this one is even cooler. Entwining his fingers in hers, he looks at her gently and pronounces; I know, how about, I ship her off to a land far away, where network is poor, so she won’t be calling me incessantly. Then my darling you can move in here with me Monday to Friday.
Without waiting for an answer, he turned around and buried his head in the pillow right where it was embroidered Love Nest Motel and immediately went to sleep, content in the knowledge that he had given her a pleasant enough answer.
The one about Valentines’ day
Janet was lying around lazily drying her freshly painted toe nails imagining what hubby dearest had gotten her for Valentine’s Day never imagining that in their thirty something years of marriage he would forget just how important this day was to her. He had been hinting lately how much unattractive her underwear was getting by the day so she surely expected a gift in form of lingerie. She could not wait to try it on for him. When he came to bed at 3 that nite, he did not even bother to say anything to her, even if her shallow breathing suggested that she was still awake. The next day at breakfast, realizing that he was in trouble, and not willing to get into any confrontation, he told her that last night was a deliberate move to get her all worked up but he had a surprise for her that would sure make up for everything. And on Tuesday Feb 17th, she learned of it in her favorite tabloid. She found out just how long she would have to travel to unveil her belated Valentine ’s Day gift and was not amused. Lingerie would have done just fine.
Let’s bury the hatchet?
Yea so all those reports in the press that I was against you standing for that parliamentary post in Ruhama? Those were utterly wrong.. I have never wanted anything more in my life than for you to become an MP. I swear. I would have done anything. Yes of’ course including giving up my presidency if it meant you becoming MP. No. really. I would totally forget about any more bisanjas if you wanted me to. Your happiness is all that matters to me right now and just to prove how much I am into you furthering your political ambitions, here is a real political post. Go see if Karamoja can catch up with the rest of us.
Of course I have been reading all your blogs, but not commenting as much except where it was absolutely impossible for me not to say anything!
I have of course gone through things during this whole time. I still can’t ride a bicycle but I can assure you that when it comes to eating raw pork at Kyadondo, I find that I excel greatly. Seeing as I do not excel at many other things, I am really happy with that achievement. No. I already have enough gold stars so don’t stress. And other things have gone on since last I posted. A guy I know went and gave his wife a ministerial post. No really. The president did. I keep thinking what his last thought was just before he slotted Janet’s name on the dotted line. God I hope Ugandan’s do not see this as nepotism. Of’ course not. ‘MY’ people would never think evil thoughts like those about me. No. by now Ugandans are so used to this sort of thing and nothing I do can surprise them anymore. In fact, I do not expect anybody to raise dust about this appointment at all. Ugandans dig me. And with that last thought, he flicked his parker pen and wrote;
State minister in charge of Karamoja; Sweetheart.
I have been wondering how he got to this conclusion and I figure, it could have gone one of these three ways. Take your pick.
Conversations with the Mistress
Darling, we have talked about this before, but I do not see you doing anything about it. When will she get out of the way? Are you even ever going to leave her? Now, now my love, do not stress your beautiful behind over it. I have a few plans in my mind. Really? Does that mean you are going to do a Kiyingyi on her? No. not that darling. But this one is even cooler. Entwining his fingers in hers, he looks at her gently and pronounces; I know, how about, I ship her off to a land far away, where network is poor, so she won’t be calling me incessantly. Then my darling you can move in here with me Monday to Friday.
Without waiting for an answer, he turned around and buried his head in the pillow right where it was embroidered Love Nest Motel and immediately went to sleep, content in the knowledge that he had given her a pleasant enough answer.
The one about Valentines’ day
Janet was lying around lazily drying her freshly painted toe nails imagining what hubby dearest had gotten her for Valentine’s Day never imagining that in their thirty something years of marriage he would forget just how important this day was to her. He had been hinting lately how much unattractive her underwear was getting by the day so she surely expected a gift in form of lingerie. She could not wait to try it on for him. When he came to bed at 3 that nite, he did not even bother to say anything to her, even if her shallow breathing suggested that she was still awake. The next day at breakfast, realizing that he was in trouble, and not willing to get into any confrontation, he told her that last night was a deliberate move to get her all worked up but he had a surprise for her that would sure make up for everything. And on Tuesday Feb 17th, she learned of it in her favorite tabloid. She found out just how long she would have to travel to unveil her belated Valentine ’s Day gift and was not amused. Lingerie would have done just fine.
Let’s bury the hatchet?
Yea so all those reports in the press that I was against you standing for that parliamentary post in Ruhama? Those were utterly wrong.. I have never wanted anything more in my life than for you to become an MP. I swear. I would have done anything. Yes of’ course including giving up my presidency if it meant you becoming MP. No. really. I would totally forget about any more bisanjas if you wanted me to. Your happiness is all that matters to me right now and just to prove how much I am into you furthering your political ambitions, here is a real political post. Go see if Karamoja can catch up with the rest of us.
why i should never be allowed to write press releases
Panic gripped a monitor journalist yesterday morning as he rushed to work to find out whether he was still with job. This all stemmed from a press release by the Bank of Uganda in which the people’s bank quoted one of his editorials that was the cause of wide spread panic amongst the banking elite causing them to withdraw over a billion shillings from a one Barclays Bank. Classic case of tables turned if you ask me. You see, normally journalists write such alarming stories and sit back and watch everybody else squirm, headed in the other direction. But yesterday, said Monitor journalist was the only one running in the opposite direction, everybody else queuing up at the bank having managed to beat the morning traffic. That was until they heard the announcements by Bank of Uganda on Radio assuring them that Barclays bank was still solvent at which point they all ran back home to consult with their kids what that word meant. The kids of course were not very amused because MTV cribs was just showing Lil Wayne’s joint.
Now if Bank of Uganda were not lying bastards, here is the statement they would have sent out to the public;
Yes Barclays bank is under investigation for incompetence and a host of other things most of which we shall not mention here. You are therefore advised to go and draw out your money. No. Not so soon of course. See, it would not be wise to advise you to draw all your money now, what with Barclays owing us money and all now would it? So wait home a little longer until Barclays bank sorts out its loan to Central Bank, we shall let you know when it is really time to worry. No really. We would never lie to you if we knew a bank was closing. What was that you asked? Greenland and co-operative bank? Technically, we did not lie about those ones closing down. We just did not say anything to you. Besides, that was in the past. Forgive and forget mean anything to you?
We are not lying dogs like most of you would have us believe. Just because we have not yet let you all know by way of a press release that Stanchart has fired all its marketing team because they cannot afford to pay them does not mean that they are in any kind of financial trouble. What was that? Barclays bank also fired its loans marketing team? Yea. I knew that, but surely that is not indicative of any sort of financial trouble? What do you take us or? It is true Barclays Bank bought that bank that had been going under and have since failed to impress much but surely if everybody was judged by the number of times they have failed to impress, how many of the guys would still be standing tall?
Indeed it is really unfortunate that a one Dorene deposited most of her hard earned salary on her Barclays account on Monday and it has not yet been credited to her account. What can we say? Shit happens!
Now, allow me to hand the floor over to the CEO Barclays Bank who has something important to say; “On behalf of Barclays Bank and all those who believe without seeing, shut up already about Barclays. Because at Barclays, we only close on Weekends and public holidays, but one day I am sure, we shall close and never open. Ever
signed;
Guv'nor, Bank of Uganda.
Now if Bank of Uganda were not lying bastards, here is the statement they would have sent out to the public;
Yes Barclays bank is under investigation for incompetence and a host of other things most of which we shall not mention here. You are therefore advised to go and draw out your money. No. Not so soon of course. See, it would not be wise to advise you to draw all your money now, what with Barclays owing us money and all now would it? So wait home a little longer until Barclays bank sorts out its loan to Central Bank, we shall let you know when it is really time to worry. No really. We would never lie to you if we knew a bank was closing. What was that you asked? Greenland and co-operative bank? Technically, we did not lie about those ones closing down. We just did not say anything to you. Besides, that was in the past. Forgive and forget mean anything to you?
We are not lying dogs like most of you would have us believe. Just because we have not yet let you all know by way of a press release that Stanchart has fired all its marketing team because they cannot afford to pay them does not mean that they are in any kind of financial trouble. What was that? Barclays bank also fired its loans marketing team? Yea. I knew that, but surely that is not indicative of any sort of financial trouble? What do you take us or? It is true Barclays Bank bought that bank that had been going under and have since failed to impress much but surely if everybody was judged by the number of times they have failed to impress, how many of the guys would still be standing tall?
Indeed it is really unfortunate that a one Dorene deposited most of her hard earned salary on her Barclays account on Monday and it has not yet been credited to her account. What can we say? Shit happens!
Now, allow me to hand the floor over to the CEO Barclays Bank who has something important to say; “On behalf of Barclays Bank and all those who believe without seeing, shut up already about Barclays. Because at Barclays, we only close on Weekends and public holidays, but one day I am sure, we shall close and never open. Ever
signed;
Guv'nor, Bank of Uganda.
BHH Impromptus Re-captus
Yesterday was the impromptu bhh which happens any time there is a major occasion. Yesterday we came to pay homage to the founding father or mother of BHH. This means that without her, we would have never had those monthly gatherings at Mateos where we all assemble and share a few sodas amongst ourselves in the hope that we do not get thrown out of the commercial bar. You see, she was the only one amongst Ugandan bloggers that thought it would be a good idea if we met every so often to worship the ground on which either one of us walks if you are to take S.A.G.E very seriously. As for me, I go to Bhh because that is the only social life I have! Anyway, without further ado, I bring you the re-cap, even if really I was not there long enough to qualify for this kind of job.
By the time I got there, most bloggers had already assembled which meant then that I had the odious task of going around the table issuing hugs and handshakes for the very fortunate ones, because I have got to tell you, it had been a long day and my deodorant is not known to move mountains. So I was still there greeting and hollering when my uncle spotted me from the other side of the velvet line. I went over to greet him and proceeded to explain to him why I was hanging with so many people. I had to lie to him that we are a group of people that publish newspapers on the internet. What was I going to say? That really we are just a bunch of wannabes that post pictures of thongs, breasts and bare torsos on our blogs? Pray tell, how was I going to explain to him what a blog was? He asked whether I was making good money via the online newspaper thing, I said no, coz I knew next he was going to tell me that Grandpa needed another set of walking sticks. Enough about me; the re-cap.
Nevender did manage to make it this time around, even though he sat right behind 27th where nobody could see him, what with Rev’s dreads blocking everything in sight for 20 miles or so. So Nev asked why I had not been replying his e-mails and I had no answer. You see, I did promise that we would each read a Psalm a day and then share with each other what we'd gotten out of it via mail, but truth be told, I read the first psalm and the next time I opened the bible, it took me straight to proverbs and I have never turned back since.
Speaking of bible books, Nevender was seated right next to one of my dearest friends neatsilverbow and when I walked in on them, they were engrossed in conversation. I later asked silverbow whether it was the Psalms they were discussing and she said “no, but soon we shall get to songs of songs.” By the way, she is leaving for Kenya today, hope she comes back with nice tales for us all. And do be a dear and say hello to eleet
Ivan’s graduating next weekend. Just before he came for BHH, he’d been buying a graduation gown. When I met him on the way to Mateos, he was wearing said gown intent on shocking and awing bloggers. I begged him to please take the gown off people were going to think he was insane and only then did he oblige. Honest.
The usual suspects were there. Darlene and Solomon King whom I did not get round to interacting with much because I had to leave early. Which was a shame really because they were the only ones that seemed to genuinely want me to stay longer. B2B, the man that has defied all the odds of maledom was there also and he asked me to leave a killa comment at his current post on which he roasts Cheri Akiki. So I went over to his comments and wrote; Killer. I would never dare take part in anything that does not portray Cheri in good light. I am deathly terrified of her. So please Akiki, just know I am not taking part in that thing where everybody has you against the wall.
Speaking of against the wall, Chanel in her grand entrance style did pin me up against a chair and started dry banging me from behind. I know. Took me by surprise too. I never pegged her for the whole PDA thing. I have got two words for you sista; HO!
The bazungu aka Detamble and Jackfruity the woman of the hour seemed to gel instantly. It must have been the accents. Finally Detamble found somebody that could understand her without having to repeat herself a million times. Rev did seem intent on breaking up that cozy thing they had going and he could be seen pitching into the conversation at the top of his voice. He also made it a point to discuss with me my most recent post in detail which of course was embarrassing for me. If I had known we were going to discuss each other’s most recent posts surely I would have made much of an effort to cram some of the lines in his post!
Jny23ug was there with his usual wild tales which I shall not disclose on this blog at this time.
Nevender came over with a friend who told me his name was Simon. “Simon peter?” I enthused. No he said not getting the joke. Obviously he does not read Erique’s blog. I did ask him also if he had a blog and he said no, as if I had insulted him so I left it at that. I think he was just a well wisher, or a spy. Another well wisher called Linda made up an appearance and spent the entire evening chatting with Rev, I do not know about what.
Edsla was there and he and chanel I think made good use of the seating arrangement to talk about I imagine Juliet or how Mr. Bigg was not amused that Eddsla once asked Chanel whether he could spend the weekend with her at a hotel seeing as I had turned down the offer
Then I left.
On another note, you seriously have to check out beeeme. She has shockingly delicious candid tales. Not prescribed for you Nev, Cheri the virgin and any under 21s.
By the time I got there, most bloggers had already assembled which meant then that I had the odious task of going around the table issuing hugs and handshakes for the very fortunate ones, because I have got to tell you, it had been a long day and my deodorant is not known to move mountains. So I was still there greeting and hollering when my uncle spotted me from the other side of the velvet line. I went over to greet him and proceeded to explain to him why I was hanging with so many people. I had to lie to him that we are a group of people that publish newspapers on the internet. What was I going to say? That really we are just a bunch of wannabes that post pictures of thongs, breasts and bare torsos on our blogs? Pray tell, how was I going to explain to him what a blog was? He asked whether I was making good money via the online newspaper thing, I said no, coz I knew next he was going to tell me that Grandpa needed another set of walking sticks. Enough about me; the re-cap.
Nevender did manage to make it this time around, even though he sat right behind 27th where nobody could see him, what with Rev’s dreads blocking everything in sight for 20 miles or so. So Nev asked why I had not been replying his e-mails and I had no answer. You see, I did promise that we would each read a Psalm a day and then share with each other what we'd gotten out of it via mail, but truth be told, I read the first psalm and the next time I opened the bible, it took me straight to proverbs and I have never turned back since.
Speaking of bible books, Nevender was seated right next to one of my dearest friends neatsilverbow and when I walked in on them, they were engrossed in conversation. I later asked silverbow whether it was the Psalms they were discussing and she said “no, but soon we shall get to songs of songs.” By the way, she is leaving for Kenya today, hope she comes back with nice tales for us all. And do be a dear and say hello to eleet
Ivan’s graduating next weekend. Just before he came for BHH, he’d been buying a graduation gown. When I met him on the way to Mateos, he was wearing said gown intent on shocking and awing bloggers. I begged him to please take the gown off people were going to think he was insane and only then did he oblige. Honest.
The usual suspects were there. Darlene and Solomon King whom I did not get round to interacting with much because I had to leave early. Which was a shame really because they were the only ones that seemed to genuinely want me to stay longer. B2B, the man that has defied all the odds of maledom was there also and he asked me to leave a killa comment at his current post on which he roasts Cheri Akiki. So I went over to his comments and wrote; Killer. I would never dare take part in anything that does not portray Cheri in good light. I am deathly terrified of her. So please Akiki, just know I am not taking part in that thing where everybody has you against the wall.
Speaking of against the wall, Chanel in her grand entrance style did pin me up against a chair and started dry banging me from behind. I know. Took me by surprise too. I never pegged her for the whole PDA thing. I have got two words for you sista; HO!
The bazungu aka Detamble and Jackfruity the woman of the hour seemed to gel instantly. It must have been the accents. Finally Detamble found somebody that could understand her without having to repeat herself a million times. Rev did seem intent on breaking up that cozy thing they had going and he could be seen pitching into the conversation at the top of his voice. He also made it a point to discuss with me my most recent post in detail which of course was embarrassing for me. If I had known we were going to discuss each other’s most recent posts surely I would have made much of an effort to cram some of the lines in his post!
Jny23ug was there with his usual wild tales which I shall not disclose on this blog at this time.
Nevender came over with a friend who told me his name was Simon. “Simon peter?” I enthused. No he said not getting the joke. Obviously he does not read Erique’s blog. I did ask him also if he had a blog and he said no, as if I had insulted him so I left it at that. I think he was just a well wisher, or a spy. Another well wisher called Linda made up an appearance and spent the entire evening chatting with Rev, I do not know about what.
Edsla was there and he and chanel I think made good use of the seating arrangement to talk about I imagine Juliet or how Mr. Bigg was not amused that Eddsla once asked Chanel whether he could spend the weekend with her at a hotel seeing as I had turned down the offer
Then I left.
On another note, you seriously have to check out beeeme. She has shockingly delicious candid tales. Not prescribed for you Nev, Cheri the virgin and any under 21s.
The cleaner and why you should never steal a phone battery
I am not a thief. My sister knows that about me. So yesterday when I stole somebody’s battery, it caught even me by surprise. Nuh, not really. I was there, so obviously I could not have been surprised. But this story did not begin yesterday. Sometime last year, there is this guy at work whose phone could not charge. So I graciously agreed that every time he ran out of battery, which was often by the way, I would switch batteries with him so that I could charge using my phone. That arrangement worked soo well until the weekend when we opted to spend time with our families (he with his family, me with the TV). So then he decided that enough was enough he was gonna buy another phone.
He sold the old phone-with MY battery in it- and got a brand new version of the old phone. So therein lay the problem. Sure our batteries were the same make but his battery was sooo weak I found I had to charge my phone often sometimes up to twice in one day. I told workmate about this and he promised to sort me out.
Now fast forward to yesterday. Workmate left his phone lying around so I seized the opportunity and went for his battery. In the middle of switching, he walked into the office, so I dived into another guy’s office and once the switch was made, I returned his phone. Whoosh! That was close. I had gotten away with it. In fact I had gotten away with it soo good, he did not connect the dots when 5 minutes later he asked to use my charger when only moments before his phone battery was full. So today morning, I am seated minding my own business which usually means that I am either chatting or chatting when he poses this question;
Workmate (not looking amused); Antipop, how would you feel if somebody read your sms
Antipop (taking the bait); Why, I would be incensed of’course
Workmate (pleased with his ensnaring antics); So how come you read my sms yesterday?
Antipop, yesterday heist forgotten; Huh? What are you talking about?
Workmate: Yes. Yesterday in the morning. You went away with my phone, read my sms and came back giggling. Don’t think I never saw you return my phone stealthily. Why did you read my messages? Why? So that you can unearth my secrets and publish them in the papers?
That tirade went on and on, so to put a stop to it, I owned up to stealing his battery instead. He did not believe me. And so the rant continued. moral of this one, when you steal phone batteries, never, ever giggle.
And now the cleaner;
Our office cleaner guy is very nice. He always makes us all tea in the morning. The perfect help if you like. So anyway, the drainage for the sink in the bathroom is broken, when one washes their hands, the water just leaks on down to the floor. So Wasswa, he is bright, put a bucket underneath the sink to hold the water. Now on two occasions when the bucket is full good, he has proceeded to empty the contents back into the sink….
Introducing; beeeme.wordpress.com. I find that she writes brilliantly.
He sold the old phone-with MY battery in it- and got a brand new version of the old phone. So therein lay the problem. Sure our batteries were the same make but his battery was sooo weak I found I had to charge my phone often sometimes up to twice in one day. I told workmate about this and he promised to sort me out.
Now fast forward to yesterday. Workmate left his phone lying around so I seized the opportunity and went for his battery. In the middle of switching, he walked into the office, so I dived into another guy’s office and once the switch was made, I returned his phone. Whoosh! That was close. I had gotten away with it. In fact I had gotten away with it soo good, he did not connect the dots when 5 minutes later he asked to use my charger when only moments before his phone battery was full. So today morning, I am seated minding my own business which usually means that I am either chatting or chatting when he poses this question;
Workmate (not looking amused); Antipop, how would you feel if somebody read your sms
Antipop (taking the bait); Why, I would be incensed of’course
Workmate (pleased with his ensnaring antics); So how come you read my sms yesterday?
Antipop, yesterday heist forgotten; Huh? What are you talking about?
Workmate: Yes. Yesterday in the morning. You went away with my phone, read my sms and came back giggling. Don’t think I never saw you return my phone stealthily. Why did you read my messages? Why? So that you can unearth my secrets and publish them in the papers?
That tirade went on and on, so to put a stop to it, I owned up to stealing his battery instead. He did not believe me. And so the rant continued. moral of this one, when you steal phone batteries, never, ever giggle.
And now the cleaner;
Our office cleaner guy is very nice. He always makes us all tea in the morning. The perfect help if you like. So anyway, the drainage for the sink in the bathroom is broken, when one washes their hands, the water just leaks on down to the floor. So Wasswa, he is bright, put a bucket underneath the sink to hold the water. Now on two occasions when the bucket is full good, he has proceeded to empty the contents back into the sink….
Introducing; beeeme.wordpress.com. I find that she writes brilliantly.
Most memorable posts continued
Previously on this blog, i was suckin up to people. This is to let you aoll know that i am not yet done. here is presenting to you some more bloggers. Note, this is not to say that these are your best pieces of work. they are just the ones that have stuck with me.
I have run out of adjectives to describe talented and extremely gifted writers. So I shall just introduce you to tumwijuke, fondly known as tumwi. If ever there was blogger royalty, she would be queen, Baz king, leaving the rest of us openly gazing in unconcealed envy. Except Enrique. He would be next in line for the throne. Nuh. Just kidding. All of you are talented just the same so I am going to go on record as saying blogville is like Switzerland! There is no president. You all rule. Back to tumwi who can write and write good. To try and explain how fantastic she is with words (when she wants to be) is an injustice. So y’all go back and try to enjoy this as much as I did. And I don’t even like poetry.
Nobody likes a smart ass. Introducing to you this obnoxious, unapologetic , sweet faced smart ass. I call him Erique, the baby faced assassin. I swear one day I want to kill him, the next day I try to boycott his blog for a senseless hilarious post he has written but then minutes later I find myself clicking Go and into his world I come again. This newbie is hilarious funny and and and. He says all the things you have thought secretly but never dared to utter. I remember when I first met him, how much I urged him to join the blogger community. If I had known he would come in and overshadow the rest of us, maybe I would have not been so generous with extending my invite. Whatever you do, you must absolutely read his blog in this lifetime. But read especially, his advice on love
One woman that does not mince her words is Miss Chanel here. She says it like it is and is not afraid to rubbish anybody at their own blogs. Jesus. I am almost terrified of her. She also hosts very nice house parties even tho she makes me do all the work while she takes all the glory. Of course she also steals from me, but this post is not about spoiling her good name. She has a guest blogger called Mr. Bigg. I wonder if it is only just her blog he visits. Anybody remember how she rubbished men’s bu small things thus; I don’t smoke cigarettes?
Joulletv- I keep saying she chose the wrong profession; law. She writes like how many journalists should be writing like…but whatever. I will not say which of hers was my favorite post. To what end? Her blog is blocked to all else. An injustice if I ever saw one. Your posts have made for some great reading
Carlo. No. it was not the boobs post! You can start shooting me now if you want, but really I was not enthralled by pictures of girls baring protruding growths. What am I saying? I guess I am just jealous my breasts were not among the pics that were drooled upon. Anyway, I liked the originality and creativity behind this post. Kinda took me back to my roots. For that, I will name her most creative blogger of the year.
Dusk aka spice aka mindblowing something something. She is computer illiterate. Once her computer asked her to delete her blog and she pressed 'yes.' And as computer is wont to do, it asked her again. "Are you sure Dusk? Are you absolutely certain? without a doubt you want to delete the blog? what are you crazy? you mean you really want to proceed with this insanity?" and again she said yes. Then she came complaining. but she is one candid feisty young lady I must say. Has anybody read her most recent toe curling post? Read it. But then read this one also…
Xenafleur. I have met her. She is as strange as her blog name. Her tale of her taxi romance was funny. Pity she did not like it. Me, i laughed so hard.
Solomon King has more alter egos than he knows what to do with. Okay fine so he utilizes them all but I find it very confusing. Thanks for bringing us bloggers under the one blogspirit thing. You have made blogging much easier for most people. Except me who is still set in the old fashioned way of finding the most recently updated blogs by typing in all of the blog URLs I have off head. It works too. Thing is I cannot use technology. Solomon King is also just only human. Read about surviving trying times here.
Then there is Solomon's friend, the faceless Emry’s who I am dying to meet. I hear he is a weak dude! Boys, i think you should stop selling yourselves short. In the wise words of Swaibu, "temwenyoma!". Mark my words Emrys, i shall find you! in his spare time, he writes love letters.
Intelligentsia used to run a good and funny blog until he launched a website. Needless to say, his blog has been starved of any real entertaining posts for a while now, but thankfully, he started off the New Year with comeback posts. By the way he is Kenyan and very possibly eats Ugali aka posho with fried meat, and so he does not choke, he washes it down with Senator. My most memorable post of his has got to be the one where he calls on all bloggers to send pics of their desktops. He posted the results someplace on his website I think.
Darlene. How can we ever show how grateful we are for ensuring that happy hour runs ever so smooth and on schedule? Your picture taking skills are awesome. More awesome is some of the flak you might take from said pictures. Here, see for yourselves. Also, remember how she had this wild tale about snoozing?
He is fresh out of school, fresh in to blogging. His name is Nevender and you dare not call him Neverender Chanel. He is miffed by such carelessness. His posts have brought what I shall call spiritual equilibrium amongst us. A nice balance from Rev’s chants and gug’s well, self proclaimed atheism. Anyway, once he wrote about how sex before marriage was like pizza! I never heard anything truer. I love pizza.
Speaking of gug, he once said he does not care whether we read his posts, so I guess he won’t care that I will considerately not mention his posts except to say that he takes fight for the rights of gays very seriously and he has my support. I told you guys, this post is a major kiss butt job.
Three words. Party party party. Is how one can only describe Eddsla. And his posts. And who can forget how he tried and succeeded I must add at getting us all to feel sorry for him coz his girlfriend was well, moving on? He had Chanel and whatshisname the mushy guy throw a drink up thingy in his honor. Speaking of Chanel, who can forget how Mr. Bigg warned Eddsla thus; hands off chanel, she is a taken woman. Drama follows this guy and we love to read about it. this one time, he responded to a stray text and here are the results
Mylz Rwamiti; an example of a blog I should never have read.
To be continued
I have run out of adjectives to describe talented and extremely gifted writers. So I shall just introduce you to tumwijuke, fondly known as tumwi. If ever there was blogger royalty, she would be queen, Baz king, leaving the rest of us openly gazing in unconcealed envy. Except Enrique. He would be next in line for the throne. Nuh. Just kidding. All of you are talented just the same so I am going to go on record as saying blogville is like Switzerland! There is no president. You all rule. Back to tumwi who can write and write good. To try and explain how fantastic she is with words (when she wants to be) is an injustice. So y’all go back and try to enjoy this as much as I did. And I don’t even like poetry.
Nobody likes a smart ass. Introducing to you this obnoxious, unapologetic , sweet faced smart ass. I call him Erique, the baby faced assassin. I swear one day I want to kill him, the next day I try to boycott his blog for a senseless hilarious post he has written but then minutes later I find myself clicking Go and into his world I come again. This newbie is hilarious funny and and and. He says all the things you have thought secretly but never dared to utter. I remember when I first met him, how much I urged him to join the blogger community. If I had known he would come in and overshadow the rest of us, maybe I would have not been so generous with extending my invite. Whatever you do, you must absolutely read his blog in this lifetime. But read especially, his advice on love
One woman that does not mince her words is Miss Chanel here. She says it like it is and is not afraid to rubbish anybody at their own blogs. Jesus. I am almost terrified of her. She also hosts very nice house parties even tho she makes me do all the work while she takes all the glory. Of course she also steals from me, but this post is not about spoiling her good name. She has a guest blogger called Mr. Bigg. I wonder if it is only just her blog he visits. Anybody remember how she rubbished men’s bu small things thus; I don’t smoke cigarettes?
Joulletv- I keep saying she chose the wrong profession; law. She writes like how many journalists should be writing like…but whatever. I will not say which of hers was my favorite post. To what end? Her blog is blocked to all else. An injustice if I ever saw one. Your posts have made for some great reading
Carlo. No. it was not the boobs post! You can start shooting me now if you want, but really I was not enthralled by pictures of girls baring protruding growths. What am I saying? I guess I am just jealous my breasts were not among the pics that were drooled upon. Anyway, I liked the originality and creativity behind this post. Kinda took me back to my roots. For that, I will name her most creative blogger of the year.
Dusk aka spice aka mindblowing something something. She is computer illiterate. Once her computer asked her to delete her blog and she pressed 'yes.' And as computer is wont to do, it asked her again. "Are you sure Dusk? Are you absolutely certain? without a doubt you want to delete the blog? what are you crazy? you mean you really want to proceed with this insanity?" and again she said yes. Then she came complaining. but she is one candid feisty young lady I must say. Has anybody read her most recent toe curling post? Read it. But then read this one also…
Xenafleur. I have met her. She is as strange as her blog name. Her tale of her taxi romance was funny. Pity she did not like it. Me, i laughed so hard.
Solomon King has more alter egos than he knows what to do with. Okay fine so he utilizes them all but I find it very confusing. Thanks for bringing us bloggers under the one blogspirit thing. You have made blogging much easier for most people. Except me who is still set in the old fashioned way of finding the most recently updated blogs by typing in all of the blog URLs I have off head. It works too. Thing is I cannot use technology. Solomon King is also just only human. Read about surviving trying times here.
Then there is Solomon's friend, the faceless Emry’s who I am dying to meet. I hear he is a weak dude! Boys, i think you should stop selling yourselves short. In the wise words of Swaibu, "temwenyoma!". Mark my words Emrys, i shall find you! in his spare time, he writes love letters.
Intelligentsia used to run a good and funny blog until he launched a website. Needless to say, his blog has been starved of any real entertaining posts for a while now, but thankfully, he started off the New Year with comeback posts. By the way he is Kenyan and very possibly eats Ugali aka posho with fried meat, and so he does not choke, he washes it down with Senator. My most memorable post of his has got to be the one where he calls on all bloggers to send pics of their desktops. He posted the results someplace on his website I think.
Darlene. How can we ever show how grateful we are for ensuring that happy hour runs ever so smooth and on schedule? Your picture taking skills are awesome. More awesome is some of the flak you might take from said pictures. Here, see for yourselves. Also, remember how she had this wild tale about snoozing?
He is fresh out of school, fresh in to blogging. His name is Nevender and you dare not call him Neverender Chanel. He is miffed by such carelessness. His posts have brought what I shall call spiritual equilibrium amongst us. A nice balance from Rev’s chants and gug’s well, self proclaimed atheism. Anyway, once he wrote about how sex before marriage was like pizza! I never heard anything truer. I love pizza.
Speaking of gug, he once said he does not care whether we read his posts, so I guess he won’t care that I will considerately not mention his posts except to say that he takes fight for the rights of gays very seriously and he has my support. I told you guys, this post is a major kiss butt job.
Three words. Party party party. Is how one can only describe Eddsla. And his posts. And who can forget how he tried and succeeded I must add at getting us all to feel sorry for him coz his girlfriend was well, moving on? He had Chanel and whatshisname the mushy guy throw a drink up thingy in his honor. Speaking of Chanel, who can forget how Mr. Bigg warned Eddsla thus; hands off chanel, she is a taken woman. Drama follows this guy and we love to read about it. this one time, he responded to a stray text and here are the results
Mylz Rwamiti; an example of a blog I should never have read.
To be continued
the one about facebook
I hate facebook
I despise it
Especially(or only) because really I am a computer illiterate who would not know the first thing to do with a social networking site. So to hide my secret this, I pretend like Facebook is beneath me. I call facebookers such names as juvenile dimwits, spit on them with unconcealed distaste and then walk away and go cry my eyes out from shame and envy.
Now because I swore to all of my friends that I would never be caught in the dead hanging with the idle lot (I hear even Harry Sagara is on facebook) I did the next best brave thing and opened a facebook account with an alias. You understand, I had a reputation to protect. Tamara Agaba was henceforth born on facebook. Tamara, because at the time that brilliant idea hit me I was watching big brother and the field presenter from I do not remember where was called Tamara. And she was tall. Agaba because I have a feeling in my past life, I might have been called Agaba.
By the way, y’all missed my kwanjula last nite. Yeah. I dreamt that I had a kwanjula. The groom wore a brown suit.
But back to facebook. I went about the process of inviting friends and my friends’ friends and by the end of that exercise, I had all of 9 contacts. I know. My friends are not very much loved I am afraid. I must say I found facebook rather boring. Apart from changing my what do they call it that thing that begins with Tamara is… it was an absolute bore. But secure in the knowledge that my undercover moves had not been found out, I plied on. But one day, this conversation took place in the taxi between my friend and I;
Antipop (says something true to friend)
Antipop friend(not looking very convinced)
Antipop: Honest. Would I ever lie to you?
Antipop friend: I don’t know, Tamara, would you?
I despise it
Especially(or only) because really I am a computer illiterate who would not know the first thing to do with a social networking site. So to hide my secret this, I pretend like Facebook is beneath me. I call facebookers such names as juvenile dimwits, spit on them with unconcealed distaste and then walk away and go cry my eyes out from shame and envy.
Now because I swore to all of my friends that I would never be caught in the dead hanging with the idle lot (I hear even Harry Sagara is on facebook) I did the next best brave thing and opened a facebook account with an alias. You understand, I had a reputation to protect. Tamara Agaba was henceforth born on facebook. Tamara, because at the time that brilliant idea hit me I was watching big brother and the field presenter from I do not remember where was called Tamara. And she was tall. Agaba because I have a feeling in my past life, I might have been called Agaba.
By the way, y’all missed my kwanjula last nite. Yeah. I dreamt that I had a kwanjula. The groom wore a brown suit.
But back to facebook. I went about the process of inviting friends and my friends’ friends and by the end of that exercise, I had all of 9 contacts. I know. My friends are not very much loved I am afraid. I must say I found facebook rather boring. Apart from changing my what do they call it that thing that begins with Tamara is… it was an absolute bore. But secure in the knowledge that my undercover moves had not been found out, I plied on. But one day, this conversation took place in the taxi between my friend and I;
Antipop (says something true to friend)
Antipop friend(not looking very convinced)
Antipop: Honest. Would I ever lie to you?
Antipop friend: I don’t know, Tamara, would you?
Re-cap
As you all probably already know, my year already began. And I have no resolutions. Especially coz I cannot work under pressure. That means you and you should stop heaping all that pressure on me to post, post, post. I meant to post this one last year, but I figured this would be the best time to do it. No better time to suck up to people than at the beginning of the year. Here is me ranking my favorite posts of each of you from last year. Or of years past. In no particular order.
Ivan the queen of puns is a talented writer. When I can make the time to read his long posts, I do have enormous fun. My favorite post of his is when he narrated his harrowing experience with a serial killer. It was a killer read if I must say. did y’all see the pun right there? i learn fast.
Rev, has also some weird looooooooooooooooong posts. I mean he puts the lo in long, the de in detailed, the i.n.g on words. Needless to say, do I rarely read his brilliant writing to the end, which I must add is such a waste seeing as he is a very talented philosopher and let’s face it, idealist. But the day he told the story of how his mom had rescues and abandoned baby, I fell in love. With the tale.
And this brings me to Detamble of course. I knew her so much better when she was in Australia. Now that she is here, she has become quite a stranger. Whatever it is she is doing must keep her mighty occupied! Geddit? Occupied, ha ha! Anyway, she had this whole beautiful write up about her country/continent. The land of the free she called it. Weird, I always thought Australia was the land of thieves. That piece captured the very essence of good writing.
Princess. This one was born with a pen in her hands. If I ever saw beautiful writing, I saw it at her page. She is very crafty with words this one. it is almost impossible to pick. My most memorable tale of hers was the one about a boy, girl and a motel. Such flow. Such eloquence. Such fluency. Such fun.
Speaking of fun, Baz is my Ugandan John O’Farrell. John O’farell is only like my favorite writer ever. Damn! I can read his stuff over and over and still laugh as hard! And that is exactly how Baz makes me feel. It is awful hard to pick from which of his is my most memorable, but I am going to go ahead and say it is the one where he gave 24(the series) a whole different spin. I laughed so hard, i farted. True story. anyway, i was so excited i spun in my chair eager to share with...
Phantom who told me to get a life he had read that post about a year before. Still I did not let him take my shine. Come to think of it, that was not the first time he was raining on my parade. this one time while doing a random search about a random thing i do not remember on google, I found a totally random blogpost about Ugandan writers . So I show him said post and guess what? He was the author of said post! I will go ahead and nominate bite me as my most memorable from his lot. and not only because it has a tempting title.
Then there is Phoebe. She is weird. So is what she writes about, and how she writes it. But she is damn good at what she does. I guess that is how come she got a scholarship to go to Italy to study. I have always wondered. Read this letter to her dad.
And who can forget Tandra’s random ramblings? and those comments she leaves lying around? she is not one to throw words generously around. if she leaves more than two words in your comment section, dude, you will be real blessed. Read about her yoga class esxcapades.
Not only does this guy have strange post titles, he does this thing where he adds 'ness' to all words large and small. Back to basics has made for some nice entertainment over the years. He tackles issues that most other boys are not willing to get into. He asks and answers questions about size, romance and whatever other mushy stuff other real guys are afraid of tackling, like whether or not it is okay for boys to cry at the sight of breasts. And the good news is, it does not make him less macho. This is a tale of how he almost made a girl fall preggers by just looking at her. if you are one to believe that sort of thing.
You cant mention him without mentioning the missus of course whose blog is 'if he can so can I' but for now, she has not been able to keep up with his zeal. This tale of when a certain blogger gave her a fake phone number was hilarious. I mean it is okay for a chic to give a guy the wrong phone number, but chic on chic action? Now that is new.
When i started out, i thought this was going to be easy! Jesus! there is so many of you. so i am going to have to do this thing in three segments. For those of you that did not make this list, that does not mean that i love you any less. so please chanel, dry your tears.
so i say, have a nice day
Ivan the queen of puns is a talented writer. When I can make the time to read his long posts, I do have enormous fun. My favorite post of his is when he narrated his harrowing experience with a serial killer. It was a killer read if I must say. did y’all see the pun right there? i learn fast.
Rev, has also some weird looooooooooooooooong posts. I mean he puts the lo in long, the de in detailed, the i.n.g on words. Needless to say, do I rarely read his brilliant writing to the end, which I must add is such a waste seeing as he is a very talented philosopher and let’s face it, idealist. But the day he told the story of how his mom had rescues and abandoned baby, I fell in love. With the tale.
And this brings me to Detamble of course. I knew her so much better when she was in Australia. Now that she is here, she has become quite a stranger. Whatever it is she is doing must keep her mighty occupied! Geddit? Occupied, ha ha! Anyway, she had this whole beautiful write up about her country/continent. The land of the free she called it. Weird, I always thought Australia was the land of thieves. That piece captured the very essence of good writing.
Princess. This one was born with a pen in her hands. If I ever saw beautiful writing, I saw it at her page. She is very crafty with words this one. it is almost impossible to pick. My most memorable tale of hers was the one about a boy, girl and a motel. Such flow. Such eloquence. Such fluency. Such fun.
Speaking of fun, Baz is my Ugandan John O’Farrell. John O’farell is only like my favorite writer ever. Damn! I can read his stuff over and over and still laugh as hard! And that is exactly how Baz makes me feel. It is awful hard to pick from which of his is my most memorable, but I am going to go ahead and say it is the one where he gave 24(the series) a whole different spin. I laughed so hard, i farted. True story. anyway, i was so excited i spun in my chair eager to share with...
Phantom who told me to get a life he had read that post about a year before. Still I did not let him take my shine. Come to think of it, that was not the first time he was raining on my parade. this one time while doing a random search about a random thing i do not remember on google, I found a totally random blogpost about Ugandan writers . So I show him said post and guess what? He was the author of said post! I will go ahead and nominate bite me as my most memorable from his lot. and not only because it has a tempting title.
Then there is Phoebe. She is weird. So is what she writes about, and how she writes it. But she is damn good at what she does. I guess that is how come she got a scholarship to go to Italy to study. I have always wondered. Read this letter to her dad.
And who can forget Tandra’s random ramblings? and those comments she leaves lying around? she is not one to throw words generously around. if she leaves more than two words in your comment section, dude, you will be real blessed. Read about her yoga class esxcapades.
Not only does this guy have strange post titles, he does this thing where he adds 'ness' to all words large and small. Back to basics has made for some nice entertainment over the years. He tackles issues that most other boys are not willing to get into. He asks and answers questions about size, romance and whatever other mushy stuff other real guys are afraid of tackling, like whether or not it is okay for boys to cry at the sight of breasts. And the good news is, it does not make him less macho. This is a tale of how he almost made a girl fall preggers by just looking at her. if you are one to believe that sort of thing.
You cant mention him without mentioning the missus of course whose blog is 'if he can so can I' but for now, she has not been able to keep up with his zeal. This tale of when a certain blogger gave her a fake phone number was hilarious. I mean it is okay for a chic to give a guy the wrong phone number, but chic on chic action? Now that is new.
When i started out, i thought this was going to be easy! Jesus! there is so many of you. so i am going to have to do this thing in three segments. For those of you that did not make this list, that does not mean that i love you any less. so please chanel, dry your tears.
so i say, have a nice day